What's different?

You know what's different? About me. How I've changed but also how I'm different from everyone else.

I'm living backward. I have a plan for where I want to be in 50 years - and a few key stages along the way, of course. And I'm living my life as if I have been there and I'm looking back.

Doesn't that sound weird?

But, consider this... obviously I haven't been there but the things I do, I do on purpose. Because I'm preparing for that day. The day that I'm 88 years old and I'm sitting on my door step and looking back over my life. I know how I want to feel. I know what I want to think. I know what I want to say. And I'm getting there.

I want to look back on my life and know that I did everything I ever wanted to do - within reason, obviously. Not the things that I can't control but the things that I can. I can't control when my dad dies but I can control what I do before he dies. I can control the relationship I have with him, but only my part, obviously. I can say I love you. I'm in total control of that. That is my choice; say it or not say it, I am making a choice at that moment. Whether or not he says I love you back? Not my choice. Not my decision. Not under my control. But you know what is under my control? My hope for the future. Knowing it will be hard having a life without him so I appreciate having a life with him.

Self control. But there's things you can control and there's things that you can't control, Debra says. Exactly. So control the things you can, and recognize that you can't control the rest. That's all. Let it go. Refocus. Or give in to it and let yourself worry about it for a bit.

But you have to be allowed to worry. You can't be with someone who is constantly saying that your feelings aren't valid.

That's what we all do. We are trying to make it better, we say you need to feel this way, you need to feel that way. You're wrong. Your feelings aren't valid. Well, they are. Have them. Just. Have them. Debra? Just have them. But, more importantly? Andrew? Andrew. Let her have them. Just let her get it out without thinking that you need to fix it or help her or make it better. You will make it better by allowing her to voice her concerns.

More

Sorry, I get really reflective when I'm stoned. And I've been re-reading my old blog and it's really interesting. It's just amazing to look back at yourself a year ago. Who you were, what you thought, what was happening in your life. Yeah, I really wish I didn't burn those journals... just like they all said I would. But that's what I needed at that moment. Maybe I don't want to read what that girl had to say, anyway. (*that's a load of shit but it makes me feel a bit better*)

I've done a lot of reading and branching out over this past year. I was remembering writing about that New Years that I wanted to kill my mother? (figuratively, of course) (ish) I don't think that would ever happen now. I'm just not that person. And that's kinda cool.

I forget sometimes and start to wonder if I'm full of shit. Sometimes I'm full of shit. I just don't want to be full of it in the important ways. In the ways that have become such a shining future that I get to work toward now. I like that. And the pot is over, too. It needs to go away. Maybe I'll get Debra to just put it away somewhere and just bring it out on special occassions.

Isn't it funny how I plan how I'm not going to be fat and smoke pot anymore when I'm stoned? I'm also less sure of myself. Interesting. I've been really working on this being myself shit and I think it might be working. Debra and Andrew don't hate me yet. I mean Andrew doesn't love me to death by any means but I'm still here.

I think that I bug people. Kind of like the opposite of things like, for instance, Fabian seeing someone worse off than himself and the fact that it made him feel better about himself. Better. That's always seemed so sad to me. But what if I bug them in the same way, except the opposite. By being liking things that they don't like. By...

But Beverly, what if it's in the same way??? And that means they bother you sometimes, sometimes you love them like crazy and that's totally normal and you love them in spite of or because of these things. Maybe sometimes you irritate them and sometimes they think you're the cat's meow and that's totally normal and it doesn't mean they don't love you?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Different from the old journal, I guess. I'm getting okay with that now. I love living with them, to tell you the truth. I've never loved living with anyone - especially since left home for the first time. I almost just said that it's because they're family but I think it's also because they love me. I love them but they love me, too.

Or maybe they can't stand me and I'm just really stoned. Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm different now. And the reason I quit pot was because I didn't like the way it made me think. My personalities flipped and want to be this me. The old me just doesn't fit anymore. God, that is the most beautiful thing I've ever said. Or I'm just stoned. Whatever. *giggle*

On a roll

It's okay if your opinion is not the same as mine. Actually, I want your opinion to be different than mine. And I want you to tell me yours so I can make a stronger choice.

Part of the reason that I never felt like I fit in anywhere is because you either didn't want me to have an opinion or you needed my opinion to be the same as yours.

I never understood that you couldn't see the big picture. And neither of us understood that I couldn't see past it.

O.M.G.

Thank you, Ian. I still love you. Just as a friend.

And that's the breakthrough. When I cry and tell Debra that all I want is someone who gets me, I can finally communicate what I mean. I want someone who simply lets me be me. I want someone that doesn't roll their eyes because I like to shovel or go to the dump or help build a wall because that's what amuses me. I want someone who doesn't think I'm weird because I jump up and down when I'm excited. I want someone who lets me be on bottom sometimes, not all the time but sometimes. I want someone who doesn't say mean things because I like to make my numbers on the fucking Sudoku puzzle match the printed numbers. I want someone who doesn't 'like' the fact that I'm fat but he doesn't need me to be skinny either. I want someone who knows that sometimes I need to be alone, and I will also pull back when I think he needs to be alone. I want someone who will check in with me, just in case I'm wrong; and even more so if I'm right. I want someone who knows that sometimes I cry, I just do and I need it. I want someone who doesn't get pissed off at me when I'm a bit too loud or a bit standoffish or if I talk out of turn or if I say too much sometimes. I want someone who knows that I don't want to spend my life with every single person that I am nice to. I want someone who is okay with me remaining friends with my ex's because I can't unlove someone that I love, the love just changes. I want someone who will yell back sometimes. I want someone who understands that I cannot survive without music even if he doesn't like the sound of it. I want someone who will respect me enough to let me know if he won't be able to do something he said he would do. I want someone who will know me enough to know that I don't mind broken promises but I do mind being with someone who is inconsiderate of other people's feelings. I want someone who will think it's totally hilarious that I take the knives/glasses/eggs/whatever out of the rack in order. I want someone who doesn't think I'm trying to pressure him into doing it the way I do. I want someone who will like that I love my work and understand that sometimes I need to stay late. I want someone who is okay with the fact that sometimes I need to give a little bit extra to a friend or family member who needs me. And I want someone who trusts that I will be there for them when they really need me, too. And who trusts that I will look to them when I need a little bit extra myself.

I just want someone who gets me. Someone who thinks it's okay that I want all of this. Who knows that I know I won't get all of this but I need to shoot for the moon anyway. Someone who probably doesn't understand my weird quirks but accepts them. Someone who doesn't always agree with the things I do; and questions me on my choices. And let's me do it my way, anyway, because he understands that I have to take a chance at getting it wrong so I can learn how to get it right. Someone who doesn't always want to spend all of his time with me but he does want me there for some of it. And he sometimes will do what I want even if he doesn't want to, just because he loves me and wants me to be happy. Just because he loves me. And wants me to be happy.

What a concept.

I love Ian and Reciprocal stars

Back to counting stars on Twitter. (Obviously that personality test was correct... I have no self control. Fun!) Anyway, I get such a kick out of reciprocal stars that I can barely stand it! It's awesome. To watch these people... how do people survive like this? Because you make me laugh and I give you a star, you think you have to turn around and gratuitously give me two stars back? How will these people ever progress in life? And, I realized in amazement, many of them do. Most of them are probably progressing faster than me!

But are they progressing better? Ha! Ain't no fuckin' way, momma!

Okay, and I have to say this because I know that you are trustworthy and won't tell anyone else - I really dislike someone on Twitter (I can't say her name because someone else might read this and I don't want to hurt her feelings). Someone who's birthday is today, BTW. I don't actually follow her but she follows me. I used to. I just found her irritating so I dumped her. Everyone seems to just love her... of course, I read her @ replies and there are quite a few who feel the same as me. But that's just mean to say it. It won't change anything and it will make me look like a bitch. I guess some people don't care about that but I would never be able to take it back and that would make me feel really bad. (Thank you for that lesson, Dianne Bolton)

Anyway, she's the one who really got the whole star fiasco started. She is the one I was talking about in my post back in November. I'd give her one star and she would star everything I ever said. Drove me crazy! I don't want your fucking stars if you don't read my shit, man. Stop fucking patting me on the head. I want to make you laugh. I want you to genuinely connect with something that I say. Or to feel better about yourself, even. That's why I'm here. That's what this means to me. And you are soiling it.

Is that what people often call my high horse? I love that. Seriously. It will never cease to amaze me how ostracized I am because I like to work, I like to learn, I like to do better. I like to challenge myself, I like to try new things, I like to shovel snow, I like to Sudoku in pen. I like to improve and be better than I was before. I like to do my little part in making the world a better place. How sad that people find that wrong.

That's the very reason I'm so awesome. That's why I know I'm awesome. That's why I think I'm awesome. That's why I believe that I am awesome. I try because that's where I get my self worth and that's why I am succeeding in this thing we call life. Sometimes I suck - I couldn't fucking complete a 1-star puzzle today... beginner level - but I keep trying until I don't suck anymore. Or I get over it with full intentions to go back at it when I can - like learning to play the piano - and I'm not just saying that.Or I realize that it's not for me or that I'm not really enjoying myself and find something that suits me better.

Why is that wrong? Because you are either giving a gazillion stars so that you are gifted a gazillion back or you are standing in the back of the line saying "Oh, well... nice guys finish last so why even bother trying." Nice guys, my ass. Losers finish last because they aren't trying to win. I have absolutely no problem being 5th or 6th or 25th or even 525,677th. As long as I have tried and didn't finish last because all I would do was stand on the sidelines crying foul, I am perfectly fine with where I place. Go ahead, test me on it.

So, absolutely no sarcasm intended, give me reciprocal stars. I will take any star that you want to give me if it makes you feel good. Or don't give me a single one because you don't want to help your competition. Maybe that's what 'trying' means to you. Or maybe standing at the back of the line, whining and making up excuses is what makes you... you. That's okay. Go ahead. Be you. Because I'm gonna be me - no matter how much you complain about it.

Crawl under a rock

Ohgod, those last couple of posts are nothing short of embarrassing to read. Sometimes I cry when I drink; it's always been that way, probably will continue to be so. Perhaps I need a label to notate drunken posts. Yes, I think I do.

It's so funny/sad, though. I don't hate my life. I do like who I am.

I'm bored with my life right now. So bored. So... unchallenged. This is when I slack off. But this is when I should be standing up and getting on with it. And that's what I will do.

Crying won't fix anything. There's no deep mysteries to solve anymore. I am me now, it's time to move on to the next stage.

Ah, the next stage. What does that entail? Well, at this point, there are a lot of unanswered questions. Where will I work? Where will I live? What will I drive? (I have to turn in my lease in Feb2010) How will I pay for what I will drive? Will I get a dog? A boyfriend? How will I make friends? Will I get two jobs at first and concentrate on paying down some of this debt?

There's a lot of 'wait and see' again. I'm okay with wait and see but I need to stop lazing around and expecting my life to be gifted to me. I want to control who I am and what I do so I need to control where I go and how I get there. It's time to get up now, me. Get up.

Ya

And here I am again. Alone. Red faced. Wiping the tears away.

Do you think I like being this person?

Do you think I wouldn't rather being downstairs having fun with everyone else?

Then you are crazy.

I can't stop this. I don't know how to stop this. I fucking hate this but this is who I am. Perhaps that's why I usually hate me. I don't start there but I seem to inevitably end there.

Why? I don't know why.

I don't know why my awesome sister is down there with her fiance and his friend having a good time and I'm up here crying my fucking face off. Do you think this is what I want? Do you think this is how I think it should be?

Do you think this is why I'm alone? Yeah, me too. But I still don't get it. I still don't understand it. I still don't fucking understand it. Do you think I like to be different? To be weird? To be wrong? I don't. I promise you, I don't.

I just don't know how to stop it.

Fuck off

Seriously, I am so fed up with expecting and hoping for more that I wonder why I bother. And then I'm embarrassed because I actually have this fucking romantic side of me. I don't think I'll ever understand how people don't see the layers.

And now I can't go downstairs because my eyes are red from crying. Awesome.

I think I like me

Andrew and I had a mini-debate tonight and I realized something about myself - I believe in yes. I look for the good. I like that about me.

With regards to something that I have no idea about and never could know for sure (i.e. the reason for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to adopt all of those children), I am quite comfortable assuming the best. Andrew kept talking about how they "bought" the kids and they are attention whores and blah, blah, blah. And I said that I have no idea why they did it and I will believe that they did it with best intentions for doing good, for helping those less fortunate, for leading the way for other people to do the same. I don't know if that's why they did it. But, unless I learn otherwise, that's what I choose to believe.

It's all about your outlook. You can sit there and shit on someone, you can look for all the bad that's in the world, you can call it "realistic" but it's not. If you wonder why everyone's an asshole, why life sucks, why nothing ever goes your way, perhaps it's time to change your point of view. It is a choice. And I choose the good.

Horoscope, Interpreted

Wednesday, Dec 23rd, 2009 -- Your creative process is anything but normal now. Your usual ways of expressing yourself don't bring the desired results. A lack of productivity might trigger feelings of frustration or angst, which just adds to your malaise. Instead of doing things the same way as before, try a radical new approach. Keep in mind that it's not business-as-usual any longer, so thinking outside of the box is essential today.

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And here I am, on Blogger. Drunk. On Blogger. Lacking productivity. Feeling angst and frustration. Is this out of the box? Oh, fella... there is no box...

Do it already!

Just read this awesome post:
http://rinich.com/post/295559957/do-it-already

Here's an exerpt:

Remember also that nobody else will see your fears and weaknesses. You see those. Nobody else. They’re going to dwell on the parts of you they love. Excepting the assholes, of course, but don’t worry about the assholes. Nobody else likes them either.
It’s been said before. You’ve heard it before; you’ve heard it so much the words are mashed into a tasteless pulp you try your best to ignore. Stop ignoring. They’re words repeated for their wisdom. You can do whatever you want. The only reason you haven’t is that you’ve chosen not to.
Hurry up!

Yeah, I'm totally smart!

Horoscope, Interpreted

Sunday, Dec 20th, 2009 -- Your traditional planetary ruler Mars turns retrograde in your 10th House of Career today, indicating that you might face delays as you try to reach the ambitious goals you've set for yourself. You might feel as if you are not making much progress with respect to your professional aspirations. Nevertheless, your imagination is wide open but the ideas and images that bubble into consciousness now may take a while to manifest.

Monday, Dec 21st, 2009 -- You may not be overly thrilled about your plans for the immediate future, yet you are able to balance your hopes and dreams with the reality of your current situation. Even if you are tempted to escalate the fantasy feeding frenzy, don't lose track of where you are now standing and where you want to go. Being connected with the larger picture should make navigation easier in the present moment.

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So, there's a full time job posting in Kanata. As a receptionist.

A receptionist? Dude, I wanna rule the world! But you gotta start somewhere, right? It's full time to maybe I can get my own place (yes, I do already have the job in my mind... cuz that's how I cont-rol). And it's a foot in the door. And I do have a lot to learn in the industry. They are very pro-medical background out here, much more so than in BC, so it's experience or bust.

I will drive out there and hand in my resume tomorrow - hopefully the job isn't already gone!

@Beviekins vs @Befralee

I find it very interesting how different my Twitter experience has been this time around. Without keeping track of how many stars I receive (I see stars on individual tweets but not grand total, I can see both on other people's profiles), I find myself in a much happier place. A much kinder place.

Here's what's different:
1. I use ! way, way more often
2. In two weeks I have given more than twice as many stars as I did the whole time I had the other account! That means I'm laughing more and competing less
3. I tweet for me, without worrying about pleasing the "cool kids"
4. I am following twice as many people as are following me. Before I constantly watched the ratio and when my followers list was bigger than my following list, I made sure it stayed that way
5. Same thing for stars. I hardly get any stars now in comparison. Of course, since the uprising, less stars are being given in general but the number is still less. But I like the things I say now, last time not so much.

Why I can't keep my big mouth shut

I've been thinking a lot about opinions and being "opinionated" the past couple of days. I figured out a while ago why people think I am opinionated. It's because I voice an opinion. But I just realized that not everyone else does.

WTF? It doesn't mean I think I'm right about everything. It doesn't mean that I think the other person is wrong. I'm just saying this is what I think. It never really crossed my mind that everyone doesn't do this so if the person I was speaking with didn't voice their opinion, I assumed they agreed or they couldn't care less. Either way, whatever. It's an opinion.

I spent Wednesday running errands with Andrew. I think we've been getting along pretty good since I moved here - better than I expected - but I can see that I am wearing on him sometimes. And he is wearing on me most times. Why? Consider this:

We went to the video store. The last time we were there, the clerk told him about this new deal that can save him money. He said okay and everything seemed good. We get out to the Jeep and he starts bitching and complaining about it (what he was bitching and complaining about is another story entirely because ???? seriously?? anyways...). This time at the video store, the clerk spoke again about the deal. Andrew is nodding and being polite but I knew that he had questions he wasn't voicing. So I asked the question for him. And the clerk answered the question and, as far as I was concerned, the matter was cleared up. And we left. After he starts his bitching spiel and says something like "I can tell you thought they were full of shit, too." Huh? Because I asked a question? Asking a question is being mouthy or something in your world? What the fuck?

When something pisses people off, why can't they just question it? Chances are pretty great that what is bothering you was caused by some kind of miscommunication. Or whatever. You can stay pissed off. But not speaking to the people involved and spending the next fucking hour complaining about it to everyone else isn't helping too much, is it?

Why am I happy in my life? Because if something is bothering me, I speak to the parties involved and straighten things out. HOW IS THAT NOT NORMAL? How is that opinionated or difficult?

I don't understand people? How can someone as smart as Andrew be such a fucking idiot????

Horoscope, Interpreted

Tuesday, Dec 15th, 2009 -- Your belief in yourself can make all the difference in the world today, for your mind is the architect of your future. Your ruling planet Mars, powerfully placed in your 10th House of Career, is engaged in an aspect of manifestation with logical Mercury. The power of positive thinking is greatly magnified now; if you can express your goals in words, you will increase your chances for success.


**********************************************************************

I'm, like, really drunk and tired right now so I can't interpret much other than my belief in myself is at an alltime high and my mind is the architect of a snowman. Er. The power of positive thinking has been greatly magnified by the wine and beer. Can't express. Any. Thin. G. Expeshly not goals. I don't even play hockey. xxx

Horoscope, Interpreted

Wednesday, Dec 9th, 2009 -- You may act as if you are okay with whatever happens now, but the truth is that your ambivalence is pulling you strongly in two different directions and you don't want to let go of either choice. Unfortunately, you won't be able to continue living under the illusion that you can follow divergent paths because you are at a fork in the road and you must make a final decision before moving on. Trust that you will get it right.

 *******************************

So, what's the priority?

Continue working toward a career that I love and move at least an hour away from my sister? *or* just get a job close by and rent an apartment here?

What I want most in the world right now - as astounding as it might be to the old me - is a sense of community. I realized that when I was working with the seniors because I really felt like I was a part of something bigger than myself for the first time in a long time. That's what drove me to come here, I'm pretty sure.

I am so torn between here and there.

There because of the things I can do such as better shopping, better movie theatres, better chance of finding a fella, better resources. I have the potential to make more money there and I have a shit load of debt on my plate right now.

But sister is here and how cool would it be to live that close and be able to go to a movie sometimes or go for a walk or just see each other without having plan it out. Here I might have a better chance of being part of the community. I'm already wondering if there is a community theatre I could join or some other group to get involved in.


You know what? Work there and live in between somewhere. It's not like I'll see her daily and there is close enough to get together often. She will be with the BIL most of the time, anyway, but when one of us needs the other we will be there.

Yeah, I think that's right. Okay. Thanks, me. ;-)

Fat? Or just plain stupid?

How hard my heart must be working to get blood through my body. Sitting still for at least 20 minutes and my heart was beating as if I just walked up the stairs or like I was nervous. Yesterday I thought it was odd that my leg fell asleep while I was eating dinner. Last night I was lying in bed reading and my heart started pounding.

What am I doing? Sitting around whining that I don't look good enough? I wonder how I'll look in that casket after my heart attack. Seriously, let's get some priorities in order here. Yes, blah blah blah want to look good in my bride's maid dress at Debra's wedding. Yep, want to wear clothes from a normal people's store. Ya, sick of these rolls everywhere. Whatever. How about heart disease is rampant on both sides of my family? How about...

- how about how sick I am of having this conversation? Just get off my back, me!

- smarten the fuck up and I will. Well, probably not. But smarten the fuck up anyway. You big fuckin baby.

I can have my cake and tweet it, too

After the terrible day I had last week, I decided it was time to turn off the Twitter. I cancelled my @Befralee account on kind of a whim moments before I went away for the weekend. I said I was sick of all the drama but it was the drama it was causing in my head more so than the drama of the in-fighting between a few tweerdos (although that was getting pretty annoying, too).

Truth is, I had my head in the stars. And I didn't want it to be about that. I loved favstar because it was  feedback. It was knowing that someone out there was laughing at my stupid ass shit. But I couldn't stop looking at the total. I wrote that post about my problems with Twitter but didn't link it to my Twitter account right away. Why? Because that evening, someone picked something I said as 'tweet of the day' and I got a shit load of new stars and followers. And my numbers went up and up. And I liked it.

But I stopped feeling like it was "me". I started writing my tweets to get stars, it became about the numbers. And I was complaining so much that I started to feel like a total bitch. And I was stuck in front of this fucking computer 24/7. And the harder I tried, the fewer stars I got. So I tried even harder. And the fun died.

So I released myself and I quit. I walked away. It seems almost silly but yesterday I started @Beviekins and all is okay in the world. Because I'm myself again. Because I can look at favstar to get the feedback but I won't see the totals because I don't follow them. Because I don't care about the numbers anymore. Because I will write my tweets based on what I want to say again, not based on what I think people want to hear. Because I am free and doing other things away from the computer. Because now I can have my cake - and tweet it, too!

Ironying

I was kind of nervous putting the link to The Problem with Twitter on my Twitter page a little while ago. Even more so that I opened up this blog to that world. But I'm pretty sure no one read it anyway so whatevs.

Can this day be over now? Please?

When you get down to the nitty gritty

I am seriously lonely today. Just lonely and alone. I'm going to spend the weekend at Sue's so I know by tomorrow morning everything will be okay but right now it's just not.

OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! has been spinning around in my mind quite a bit, too. What if I can't find a job? What if there is no life for me here - not the one I want, I mean? I have a few months of credit left and then I am seriously fucked. And all of the jobs that I look at seem to max out at $30,000. I took in over $100,000 from LUC the last year I worked there. And I quit. Because I "wasn't happy". Are you happy now, baby?

Overall, yes, I suppose. Not today. So not today. I'm happy about what might come, about what I hope will happen but, no, I can't say that I'm really happy where I am right now. Not even mentally today.

I go from Twitter to Facebook to Plenty of Fish to the job ads and it's like rejection, rejection, rejection. Rejection. Nope. No thanks. You aren't what we are looking for today. Probably won't be looking for you tomorrow either.

I really need to get my shit together and go find a job. First and foremost, I think that is important.

I'm back on Sunday. Monday it's gung ho, man. It has to be.

And today...

...I just wish I had some more chips.

Model of me

And then I see this picture of a beautiful woman with an amazing body and I want that. I want that. But she didn't start where I am. But there are people who started where I am - bigger, way bigger - that do get that.

But let's stop and do some math here, Bevie.

Chips: 50g (36 chips) = 280 calories, 18g fat
The whole bag: 320g = 1,792 calories, 115.2g fat
Plus the dip - don't forget the dip! = 319 calories, 17.7g fat
And there was chocolate, too = 480 calories, 36g fat
So far, we are at 2,591 calories, 169g fat
Shall we continue and add in the KFC?
Seriously?

You don't have to be this girl:

but you could be this girl:

or even this girl:

but if you eat like that, you will be this girl:

There is a middle ground, is all I'm saying.

Quick rule of thumb, if you are fumbling to hide the food when someone comes home? Probably too much food. There is a reason that you won't eat it if someone else is watching, isn't there?

Or, you know what? Strike that. Eat it. Hide it. Do whatever it is you want to do.

The girl in the blue has just as much of a right to be happy as the girl in the green. But the moron in the white? She was happy. She. Was. Happy.

So recognize that you are making a choice.

And, whatever that choice may be, please make a choice to be happy.

Just me

I see it now. I've been so silly. So the same as ever. I need to just be me. Fat if I am fat. Stupid if I am stupid. Funny if I am funny. Just me. The best version I can be of me. The prettiest me that I can be. The most genuine version of me that I can be.

How sad is it that, as I told myself that I can be a valuable human being and still be fat, tears came to my eyes. How sad is it that, as I asked myself who told me otherwise, I had an answer.

That was not her opinion of me. That was her opinion of herself. She has been wrong about SO MUCH... why do I still believe that she could have been right about that?

I've known beautiful fat women. They are living their lives and letting the rest... be. That's what I'm going to do. That's who I'm going to be. Starting now. Right. Now.

Let's go to the movies...

What is it about the act of sitting in a darkened movie theatre that brings me such clarity? It is something that I think I should start doing often again because it has a way of motivating me that I entirely don't understand. But not understanding doesn't mean it doesn't work, right?

Anyways, I was at the movies with my Debraly tonight - jesus, how is it possible to love someone so much? - and it hit me. Stop. Stop. Stop waiting. Stop planning. Stop expecting. Stop hoping. Stop foreseeing. Start living.

I don't have any time to waste. There's too much that I want to do. Too much that I want to achieve. Too much that I want to experience. Too much that I want to give. And there is absolutely nothing in any of that the requires me to be thin or sexy or anything other than who I am. Somewhere I started putting all this pressure on myself again and it is affecting me the exact way it has always affected me. And I am losing my mind because of it.

I don't want to wait. I don't want to not do things because my jeans don't fit. I'll go buy some new jeans. And I don't want to be with anyone who wouldn't want to be with me based on some extra baggage around my waist.

And now my brows are a mess. And my hair has three inches of roots. And my skin is blemished. And I'm not happy. I'm just not happy.

That old "it's okay to hate my life right now" is a load of steaming brown stuff and I know it. It's not okay to ever hate my life and I won't hate it ever again. I am not going to sit here and wait for my life to happen. I am going to make it happen. Fat or thin doesn't matter any more. Happy or sad is all that counts.

What I am thankful for

It's Thanksgiving in the states - Twitter is all about the thank yous today - so I thought I would drop a few words about what I am thankful for.

First and above all, I am thankful to be alive. Not that I thought I would not be alive at this point but, until a couple of years ago, I really didn't care much one way or the other. And not having the balls to drive off a cliff actually pissed me off quite a bit so I'm glad those days are behind me.

Secondly, I'm thankful for my sister. Back in the day I would tell her that every dollar I gave her was an investment in my future because she was going to have to take care of me when I'm old. Neither of us thought it would happen so soon.

I'm thankful for my family, and this year Dad has to go front and centre on this one. You know why and I don't feel like crying right now so I'll leave it at that.

I'm thankful that I still have a wee bit of credit left to live on till I find a job. It's gonna have to be one fucking hell of a job to get this paid off, though.

I'm also thankful that there is nothing that I'm not thankful for. My life is still in transition mode and I'm excited to see where all of this leads me.

♫♫Burn the fuckin' house to the mother fuckin' ground!♫♫

I'm so bored with myself today. And I hate that. I don't agree with boredom, it bores me. There are a million things I could be doing but I'm just not in the mood.

I want out! I want people! I want excitement! I want... something else. I want to move forward, I guess. But that's not going to happen while I sit here and whine.

What is it in me that makes me want to stamp my feet and have a tantrum sometimes? And what is it that makes me think that as soon as I am not in a great mood that I have to do something about it? Try to figure out how to fix it, how to make it better, how to make it stop?

Maybe sometimes I'm just not in a good mood. And maybe that's just life.  And maybe some days are just better than others. I think I have always lived my life in such extremes that the inbetween times weird me out. I have to be enormously happy or a puddle on the floor. That I get. That I understand. Nothingness? Is. Just. Boring.

Go read a fucking book already, you big baby. *grins*

Yeah

- yeah? Well, lets try this again, smart ass... you thought you were so fucking awesome last time... fix me now, bitch.

- what the ---

- yeah, I thought so. Welcome to my world.

- what the hell is going on?

- everything. Nothing. I'm a freak. I'm a loser. I have nothing. I'm worth nothing. God will this never end?

- will what ever end? What???

- these fucking break downs. I just... nothing has changed... except I no longer make $100,000/year and I now have no home and no friends and no life. Way better. Awesome idea. Awesome.

- but...

- and now I don't get to smoke pot and I don't get to eat without guilt and I don't get to drink and I don't get to have sex with people I don't care about and I don't get to desperately love people that I shouldn't care about. I just sit here. All day long. Alone. On the internet. Where - also - no one really gives a shit if I live or die. And now I can't even fucking connect to the internet so I don't even have that any more. I am a shell of fucking worthless shit and I really don't know why I bother. Why am I here? What's the big idea? What ever made me think that I could... I don't know... can I change anything? Fuck. I don't know anymore. I just don't fucking know. And I don't care enough to let my fucking Miss Positivity side have a word because we all know she's full of shit, too, so fuck off and die already.

*****

- hmmm, yes, sorry about that. Lost it there for a bit. It bugs me that I go back to the same old thing over and over but whatchagonnado? I was feeling bad for myself with all the #FF bullshit on twitter -as per snoozually- and I took it out on me because, well, I... am... me... or something. I don't know. But I did know that it would be a seriously bad idea to drink tonight and downed a full bottle of wine. The sad part is I didn't even get to enjoy it... chatted with Sue for over an hour and then exploded in a fit of rage.

- blech. Go to bed.

An open letter to my beautiful boyfriend, Rob Pattinson

Hello my darling!

It's good to see you so often lately; I've missed you. I know the other women make you a little weary - they scream at you like they know you, speak to you like you care - but you know that, deep down, I really don't give a shit. Don't get me wrong, you are obviously the hottest man on the planet (that hot-nerd thing you do just fucks me up). But I don't need to know you. Actually, I don't want to know you. You exist in my fantasies and that's exactly where I want you to be.

There is something that I want you to know, though, because I see you out there with the screaming fans and adoring crowds. I want you to know that I fear for you, Rob. I fear for you.

It has happened again and again with young performers who rise to fame too quickly. They fall for the hype and forget why they are here. They develop destructive addictions - perhaps for entertainment or out of sheer boredom at first, but then they need it to cope; then to survive and then to die. They come to believe that they are the gods people try to make them out to be. They learn the hard way that they are merely human and fallible; they get in over their heads and come to need this adoration which has been bestowed on them.

You are living a fantasy life right now and I hope you are enjoying it but you need to keep your eyes open. You need to understand this fame that has exploded on you. You need to be strong in yourself to make it through intact. While these females are completely justified in their adoration of you, you need to understand what a shaky pedestal it is that they have put you on. And, like all things in life - good and bad - this, too, shall pass.

This passing will not be a reflection on you or your talent but a reflection on human nature. It is the way of the world that, as your fame shall rise, it shall also fall. It has to; it is as uncontrollable and as inevitable as the passing of time. And I think that, to some degree, you look forward to the calming of the craze so that you can get on with your career and get on with your life.

The important fact that these fans seem to miss is that this is your job. And it is a very difficult and demanding one. They believe that it is *you* coming into their living rooms and their bedrooms, they believe that they know you but all they know is their perception of you. They only know who they want you to be. And many of them don't seem to be able to grasp that. I hope you have someone in your life who really knows you, who loves you and supports you for who you are. I hope you come from a strong and supportive family. I hope you have friends who allow you to be yourself so that you can hold on to that person. I hope you always remember that this is what you do, not who you are.

Enjoy this fame, Rob. Squeeze every bit of joy and money and adoration and confidence and exposure that you can from it. I know that you have the talent that it takes for longevity and a solid acting career. And I think that you have the gumption to withstand the crap that comes along with it. If you don't, go get it - or run. Whatever you do, know that you make me want to touch myself in a way that no actor ever has. But also know that I haven't had sex in about 18 months so I'm feeling pretty slutty right now. Just, like, FYI or whatever. Tee hee.

I am sending this out into the universe with much love and best wishes for your future happiness - trust me, when you have true happiness, all the rest is just gravy.

Oh, and just one more thing, my sweetheart. Probably not the best time to scratch your ass. I'm just sayin'.

Kisses, Bef xxx

Odd? Who, me?

This might sound strange to you - and I say that because I got "man, you is fucked up" looks every time I've said it in the past - but I think life would be so much better if I could survive without sleep or food. I'll take an i.v. over a meal any day. I fucking *hate* food. Why? Just look what it's done to my poor body! And it kills me to go to bed... I'm unattached, no kids and I don't have a job and there's *still* not enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do. The irony of this statement? I've been fat and lazy since the womb. The irony of that statement? If I had better sleeping patterns and eating habits, I wouldn't be so fat and lazy, now would I? Oh, well. Whatchagonnado? ;-)

The problem with Twitter

I love Twitter. No, I L-O-V-E Twitter! How interesting it is to communicate with people all over the world. How amazing to know that someone in Ohio or Milan or Australia has the same sense of humour as I do. How fun to read a smart ass remark about someone else's day or perception of life in general. In my world, there is nothing more entertaining than a twisted mind. A.K.A. I am hooked.

Now here's what I don't like - and I have tweeted about this a few times. Why does it have to be all about the stars? And then with the frickin' lists?? Why did it have to become a competition? Or a buy one get one free deal?

Maybe it's like money and we think - for some strange reason - that whoever gets the most is a better person. Maybe it's like an orgasm and if I give you one, proper etiquette dictates that I should get one, too.

I thought the stars were a way to know that someone related with me, a way to say you made me laugh or keep up the good work (remember kindergarten?). I thought it was okay that sometimes I'll be funny, sometimes you'll be funny; that the guy over there will hit the nail on the head almost every time, the other will keep getting his thumb in the way. Isn't that life? Someone's got to tell the joke but there has to be someone to laugh, too, right? We ALL count.

Some people star every tweet that has already been starred. I'm sure their heart is in the right place but those stars mean nothing to me. That's like faking your orgasm. Don't get me wrong... if I get my orgasm, you can go ahead and fake yours all you want but, if you're going to just throw it away, why even bother? And, if you aren't going to hold out for the real thing, how will anyone ever know what really gets you off? (Note: this is also my philosophy on real orgasms. In case you were wondering.)

My dear Twitter friends, believe me when I say: it would be much more satisfying to me if you have a real orgasm, too. Let's get back to the pleasure, and forget the work.

Kisses, Bef

P.S. Gee, I wonder if this will get any stars.
P.P.S. Gee, I wonder how many people following me will dump my ass after reading this.
P.P.P.S. Gee, I wonder if they realize that it won't matter, I'll still tell you every lame thought that enters my head (my real friends think it's awesome that I have someone else to listen to my weird shit for a change).

Bad day, friend?

I sent a message to a fellow twit earlier. I could tell he was having a bad day and I wanted to reach out (as I always *want* but rarely *do*).

This was his reply:
"Thanks. Havin a shit day. But I been following ur story, so I know it's a big world fulla crap for many these days. Chin up, boobs out, eh?"

Is that what they see? It made me laugh a little because my first thought was 'I love my life'. Yeah, I have stresses... it makes things so much more interesting. I'm actually happy to have a little stress again; I'm so damn laid back now. Let's face it, if I didn't exaggerate that stress a little, I'd have nothing to say at all. The nice me is pretty easy to get along with. But a wee bit boring, I have to admit. Quite frankly, other than a bit of PMS last week, the roughest part of my life right now is a slow internet connection and procrastinating about finding a job... which is not really what I would consider a panic situation at this point in the game.

I bitch on Twitter because that's what you do on there. In the beginning I talked about how awesome life is and no one got it. It's the whining and bitching that is funny... no one wants to hear about the good stuff.

That's actually where my little "Miss Positivity" bit came from... because it was the good stuff that the voice inside my head said when something bothered me. But straightforward, it sounded all sunshine and roses (a.k.a. fake); it had to be presented sarcastically to be funny. So I still say it... I just put a different spin on it now.

Horoscope, Interpreted!

"Tuesday, Nov 17th, 2009 -- You are standing at a fork in the road and you must choose whether to take the difficult route or the easy one. On the surface, it seems like a straightforward decision, but the path before you is a winding one, obscuring your vision. No matter where you want to go now, you'll have a better chance of reaching your destination if you stick to the map. Ultimately, it's not about picking your level of difficulty; it's about simplifying your life."

________________________________

It was a bad day. Such is the journey. I was so ready to move out of Debra & Andrew's place. After one week... Well, closer to two. I read this horoscope and when it said to choose to take the difficult route or the easy one, I thought the difficult route would be to find a place of my own. I think I was wrong. I think the difficult route for me right now is to stay. To stick to the map.

I'm not good at living with people but it's not because they get in my way and crowd me. It's because I feel like I am in their way. I know I've still got a lot of growing to do, I know that there are still ghosts in there waiting for their turn to haunt me. But the difference is: the voice inside my head is now my best friend. That crazy bitch whore that made my life a living hell is now the most supportive person I know. It makes sense, though. We have to adapt to our circumstances - no one has ever "got" me, so I had to find a way to take care of it myself. It certainly takes a lot of pressure off my friend's backs.

This is how my head works:

A conversation with myself

- you have to stop making life decisions when you are having a bad day

- yeah but nobody loves me and I'm garbage. Look at me, sitting in the spare bedroom at my little sisters house, crying my eyes out because she didn't come up to talk to me when she came home. Visions of mom, much?

- you make it sound so simple but it's not. Yes, it's a bad day. You're tired and feeling under the weather and your emotions are...

- I'm pretty sure I'm faking the illness, like always

- you sat at home all day long and faked having a headache? So that pain around your eyes and forehead, that has your head in a vice is a figment of your imagination?

- no but I am exaggerating it

- for sympathy?

- more to set up my "not feeling well" story to get out of going to Andrea's party this weekend

- why?

- because I want to be alone

- you aren't alone enough???

- it's very difficult for me to live in someone else's home. I feel out of place and unwanted and in the way and a burden

- do they feel that way?

- probably. They would if they saw me right now

- do you not think that they love you and want to help you?

- I think that they love and want to help me in theory but the practise has become another story

- are those feelings coming from them? Or are they coming from you?

-

- do you hear them downstairs, laughing and joking around? Do you feel that you
would not be welcome

- yeah, sort of. I would be welcome if I was visiting but not so much if I was staying

- let's get back to that party... you are exaggerating feeling ill to get out of going to a party, correct? Why? Not why don't you want to go but why do you feel you have to fake sick?

- because I don't want to tell them why. Because I don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel

- how do you feel?

- I think we just did this part. Out of place, a burden.

- but why? how?

- there are so many rules. I don't like rules. I don't like constantly having to worry about stepping on someone's toes, doing something wrong. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong anyway so when there are so many restrictions it just stresses me out. If they go for the weekend and I stay, I will have a couple of days to just be without worrying what is expected of me

- what rules?

- about the laundry. About where to put my furniture. About eating too much. About doing something wrong. About using the internet too much. About saying something inappropriate. And I don't want to talk to her about it because then I will only be passing the burden onto her.

- this might be the problem.

- Cathy hated me when I lived with her. Tom hated me when I tried to be his friend. I drive my parents up the wall when I stay with them. What's going to make it different with her? I don't want to cause strife with her and Andrew. I know how it is for her because it was the same for me when I lived with Karl.

- that's your experience, not hers. That's enough for right now. Just you chill. Sit back, read your book and chill. Stop worrying that everyone isn't going to like you enough, stop worrying that you are doing it wrong. Yes, children learn what they live but adults get to choose what they will live. What will you live, Beverly? This is a choice.

Soulwaffle

I found this challenge on www.soulpancake.com

"Write an impassioned sonnet. (Remember: 14 lines of 10 syllables written in iambic pentameter with an ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyme scheme.) Post you opus here."

So, I tried it. This is what I wrote. It's okay... no Willy Shakes or nothin' but whatchgonnado?

********************************************

Now that my soul breathes with passion again
And my spirit explodes from within me
I'll speak of the pain that poisoned me then
And of the person it caused me to be

A lifetime of shame, of tears and sorrow
Hiding behind a wall of indifference
Never able to think of tomorrow
When surviving today didn't make sense

A prisoner of my mind, my private hell
Believing that I'd never be set free
Suddenly life pushed, I stumbled and fell
And on the ground I discovered the key

Reach out for help, find a way to survive
The best part of life is being alive

Horoscope

Saturday, Nov 14th, 2009 -- You may feel as if circumstances are pushing you into a corner and just when it appears hopeless, the lightning of awareness strikes and changes the parameters of the game. No longer are you restrained by an old pattern, for you suddenly see yourself in a different light. Paradoxically, the situation may remain the same, but now at least you have new options to explore before you decide what to do next.

Horoscope

Friday, Nov 13th, 2009 -- Although you may be dealing with ghosts from your past, they are not likely scary enough today to prevent you from banishing them back to the netherworlds from which they came. Actually, your dreams lure you to the edge of excitement, even if you still have a few details to work through now before you can make them real. Don't let fear get in the way of the exciting possibilities that are right around the next corner.

"That just sounds like more fruit talk"

Oh, I hurt! Ache. Fell down the stairs today. It was funny - I was in such a good mood this morning and I remember thinking how I always feel like this now. But I can't always feel this good so maybe I just conveniently forget when I don't feel this good. Fell down the stairs and sure enough a little while later the bitch came back. Not really, just the elation was gone.

I didn't HURT myself but I hurt. My body was jarred is all. The irony is I am - what? - three days into my exercise habit. I won't let this stop me - it's just going to have to hurt inside the muscles and outside. I was just lying in bed and feeling so hungry. In the middle of planning a trip to the kitchen I was lying there with my hand on my hip and realized I can't even FEEL my hip bone. It's not there. Kitchen trip cancelled. This morning I weighed 223.9 lbs. I have something that I need to prove (illustrate) here.

"Silence is golden but duct tape is silver"

Well, it's my last night on the road. I'll be at Debra & Andrew's tomorrow evening. Pretty exciting!

The drive has been fun. Took longer than I thought - 7 days instead of 5 - but such is life. Did lots of singing, took lots of pics out the window as I drove by. Didn't get out much, but that's totally in character!

So, what comes next? Find a job. Find a pad. Get working out. Get some friends. The possibilities! Ah, the possibilities!! My favourite!!

"I got nerve!"

Well, I didn't make it far today. Not as far as I intended, anyway. Probably due to the fact that I slept for a whopping 2.5 hours last night after spending about 10 hours packing and cleaning the dungeon. So "shot" doesn't even come close to how I felt all day. Got on the road at 11am and had lunch at 2:30pm but by 5pm I was ready to fall asleep at the wheel. And that would probably be bad.

Good drive, though. Once I left the Fraser Valley traffic was minimal. There was a spot around Hope/Yale where the wind was blowing like crazy, there was leaves all over the road, branches fallen, even rocks fallen from the mountain side. As I drove through there "I Got Nerve" was playing on the cd. I laughed because yes, I do. Am I crazy? Then I saw this guy coming UP hill toward me. On his BICYCLE and I thought no, he's crazy!

"Why don't you make like a tree and leave?"

It's time. The goodbyes have been said, the tears have dried, there's nothing left to do but go. It's been good. I'm ready. Tomorrow I hit the road.

Did I ever mention how everything always comes together? Is that just for me? Do I have some kind of karma? Or is it all attitude?

Everything turns out for the best. The moving company picked up my stuff on Tuesday. I'm taking everything except the stuff in the bedroom. Fabian took that yesterday. The bed went to Kirk & Kathy. I think he kept the desk and dresser for himself. All the stuff coming with me is by the door, apartment is empty and clean. I'm on Stacey's sofa bed, spending one night longer than intended in BC.

This has been an amazing time for me. I have seen *almost* everyone that I wanted to see (not Marg/Ian or Harry/Jane). I spent some time with Sheena, had dinner with Rebecca, went out one night with Julie, Nicola, Stacey and Gayleen, went to dinner with Jacquie & Debbie, lunch with Jim Quinn, one last Bev & Stacey day, made out a bit with Fabian, went to Julie's for dinner and Stacey took me to Red Robin for my birthday yesterday.

I have remembered that strange and wonderful girl who drove into Richmond 13 1/2 years ago. I have been thankful for the part of her that is now gone, and even more thankful for the part of her that remains.

I have revelled in my freedom, enjoyed living solely for me, celebrated my life here and planned what comes next.

The fun part is the stuff you can't plan. I am excited to go. Excited by the possibilities. By the challenge that I face. I'm excited to see what happens next.

It's love

Mother fucker, I love me. And I don't mind saying that because I have spent about 25 years on the other end of the spectrum.

You know, when Mom said I couldn't join ballet because I was too fat and none of the boys could lift me, I probably went "Okay" dum de dum dum... whistle whistle... skip skip. It's only in retrospect that my mother's comments affected me. Much the same as I did with the men in my life, I needed a reason to feel that absolute hell that I was feeling... so I went looking for the answers. And, trust me, I got a lot of those answers wrong before I got any right. A. Lot. Wrong.

But it was those wrong answers who made me who I am. Practise, almost. I said to Stacey the other day: I have spent the past 13 years here gathering information. I think that I have lived and loved and milked the most out of this life in BC. God, it's been so amazing. I never knew I could be this person. I didn't know it was possible. It is, it is!

I am who I want to be. How many people can say that? Hope a lot, I really do because it's awesome. For a girl like me, who didn't think it was odd to spend New Year's Eve on the closet floor, crying her eyes out. I want to say to her - hang on me! I'm coming.

When Stacey and I got stoned the other night I turned to her and said something that I have never said out loud in my life. "I want teenagers." Not, I want kids. I want teenagers. I think that fostering youth at risk is amazing. Tremendous. The differences my parents have made in people's lives is mind boggling. "Am I just as good as a bad man sleeping while the rest are dying, or am I just as bad as a good man saying there's no use in trying?" (by Daniel Merriweather from 'Change') And I have a knack for it. It's a crazy learning curve but did someone say challenge?

It's so funny to watch the evolution of my life here. Could I even put it on here? I am stoned and I tend to ramble. Maybe a little less detail. Maybe in a bit. I have a lot of thoughts to catch up on when I'm not stoned anymore. Not to worry. I have time.

Work out much?

Twitter allows me to flex my "me" muscle. It's a good workout with minimal commitment. Like @RanGT said, it's conditional love. That's way more fun.

I PASSED!

I'm so proud of myself - it sounds silly just writing it here but I am. Omigod, who knew me being this weird could turn out to be a  good thing? I feel like the ugly duckling. Wait! I get it. The moral. Hmmm. How amazingly true. Haha! Except instead of ugly I'm just a crazy freak? I'm okay with that.

Well, obviously I'm stoned but that was required for this AWESOME thing that I just realized. You may or may not know that the final phase of my BC challenge was can I do this? Have I evolved to the point that I can be this happy without being stoned. Hells yeah, I can. That fucking bitch of a whore in my head is gone. She's gone. I'm free!  ♫♫♫ Ding dong, the witch is gone dude! ♫♫♫ Effin A!

** Except every now and then the little devil on the other shoulder says "are you sure everyone else is as in love with you as you are?" and it keeps me honest. But, quite frankly, why wouldn't they be? hahahahahahahahahahahaha

The struggle between logic and emotion

Got stoned tonight. *grins*

It's been a while. It used to be a way of life - as in practically every day for 2 years - but I haven't touched the stuff in over a month. If you read my first post in this blog or the crap in my former blog you would hopefully/probably/probably not understand the difference being stoned made to my life. It changed me. For the better x1000.  But pot had it's time and place in my life and it's past now. Since I have been reminissing and remembering my 13 years in BC, it is a fun and very appropriate way to say goodbye. But it's not for me anymore. That being said - I think I might spark up the roach and watch a little PattiPorn.... this serious talk crap can wait till I'm sober.

Interesting - look deeper

http://www.soulpancake.com/view_post/1437157/are-rules-meant-to-be-broken.html

Breakfast of Champions

Signs there's something wrong:

1. woke up crying from my dream
2. woke up crying after only five hours of sleep
3. had diet coke and chocolate for breakfast
4. got back in bed
5. got back in bed but couldn't sleep
6. would kill for pot 
7. have lots to do... not doing any of it.

Yeah, that about proves it - there's something wrong. But what? You'd think I was stressed about moving away from the place I have lived for the past 13 years. Nope. Perhaps scared to drive across the country alone? Looking forward to it, actually. Afraid to move to a whole new province, new city, find new job, new friends, new life? So so very excited.

Okay, well, obviously the proof is in the pudding. The dream. The subconscious mind. Asshole.

I'm full of crap. I knew what was wrong the whole time. The dream. My biggest dilemma regarding my move. Kinda sounds stupid if you don't know me... if you don't realize the fucked up emotional development of my life... if you don't understand how hard it is to be strong and tough and funny AND an emotional goo-head who was taught to go to her room when she cried and don't come back out until you're ready to smile again. Thanks Mom.

Anyway, I promised the people at my old job that I would be back to see them before I left for good. I worked at an upscale retirement residence for independent seniors - so I guess I should have said that I promised the old people at my old job that I'd be back. I promised Harry that I would come and take him out for lunch one day. I promised Jane that I would always stay in touch, no matter what. Well, I finished work in August... a.k.a. two months ago and I leave in five days for Ontario and I haven't been back to see them yet.

Obviously this is bothering me a lot (listed 7 lame reasons above, even!) so what's the problem?

Rationally what's the problem? I already said goodbye and I don't want to do it again. This move is becoming kind of emotional and I know I KNOW this would bring me over the top. This would be the breaking point. When my sister left last year she told me that she almost didn't want to go to her going away party because she would cry so much. I told her go, cry, mark the occasion, rejoice for what you have found here and shed a few tears because you will be leaving it but don't avoid it because this is the only chance you get. I hate it when my words come back to bite me on the ass.

More importantly, irrationally what's the problem?? Crying in front of people turns me into a blubbering fool who can't speak and has a runny nose and sounds like she's on the edge of hysteria and about to jump. And I'm half afraid that I won't cry and act like I don't give a shit. And I'm half afraid that they won't even remember me - they are seniors, with dementia. And I'm half afraid they will remember me but won't really care. And I'm half afraid to find out who died since I left - old, old people. And I'm half afraid that they will realize how terrible I am with fractions.

I don't want to go. Let's face it - it's really that simple. However, I know that my reasons are extremely inconsiderate of everyone but me and that is not how I live my life. I know that some of them won't remember and some of them won't care and some of them will be gone... but some of them will be there. And they'll be hurt. And I'm being totally selfish. And I can't help it. They were my family and I left them and I can't bear to say goodbye to them again. I. Just. Can't.

I'm pretty sure I'll go, though... 

Pressure - Billy Joel

Zack Ford, revisited

I want you to know that I think of you, and of this conversation of ours, often. While I am not proud of the comments that started it, I am glad that it started. Twitter in general - and communicating with you in particular - has opened my eyes to a world that I innocently thought we had evolved past.

Contrary to Will's comments and perception of my stance on this subject, I have never, ever, by any stretch of the imagination, inferred that it is "bad to even say the word gay". My position was the absolute opposite of that. I didn't think that anyone really thought that there was anything wrong with being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered anymore.

I never understood how people could impugn or attack someone based on who they were attracted to. I never understood how anyone could be so closed minded as to think that being gay or straight had any bearing on a person's worth as a human being. It just didn't make logical sense to me so, I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing that those things still happen. Of course I knew there was small minded people making ignorant comments and smart-asses who think their jokes are funny but I did not see the depth of the prejudice and inequality that the LGBT community experiences until communicating with you opened my eyes. And I thank you for that.

Something I don't think I ever told you is that my nephew has not officially come out to me or anyone else in our family yet. Also, you don't know that my nephew lives almost 5,000 miles away from me. I fly him over here for a couple of weeks each summer and spend the whole time trying to erase all of the crap that is fed to him for the other 50 weeks of the year. I think I was beating up on you when I really wanted to beat up on my sister and her fiancée and everyone else who has made him feel that he is anything less than the amazingly wonderful young man that he is. And for that, I truly do apologize to you and to anyone else whom I inadvertently offended.

On a happier note, I had a short visit with my nephew since you and I were first introduced. I was overjoyed by his increased level of confidence and, although I have always encouraged him to evolve at his own pace, we did have what I consider a breakthrough - he finally allowed me to meet his boyfriend. So the closet door is open now... I trust that he will come out when he is ready. (I have always thought that the actual "coming out" is something that should come from him - do you agree?)

We might be getting closer to LGBT equality but I see now that progress is slow and still needs to be championed to a large degree. I see now that you are leading a crusade and that I was wrong to believe that this is a battle which had already been won. I wish you all the best, Zack - and know that I am out here fighting with you.

For the full story: http://zackfordblogs.com/2009/09/23/when-following-on-twitter-becomes-fanatic

AND THEN:

"We learn so much when we hold each other accountable and engage in real dialogue, and that’s why I write what I write. I blog to make a difference." - Zack Ford

Zack's complete reply is here: http://zackfordblogs.com/2009/10/i-blog-to-make-a-difference/

What A Good Boy - Barenaked Ladies

"No God" is Trending

My life philosophy is to never worry about something that I can not control. Will I get on that plane? Yes, I can control that, and I will hope for the best. Will the plane crash and end my life? I don't know, it's out of my hands and I'm not going to spend the next five hours freaking out about it.

When it comes to the concept of god and religion, we can argue, analyze, ponder, assume and hope but we can never know the absolute truth about the existence of god and what happens when our lives end. And so I'm not going to stress about it. Instead I will concentrate on what I can control; I will live my life the best I can, I will be happy, be good to others, I will live within the limits of man's laws and my own morals. When I die, the big questions will be answered; until then, I am open to every possibility.

That being said, here are some of my musings regarding religion:

• From this vantage point, it seems that every religion is generally saying the same thing. I wonder how it is that people don't get that. Not the specifics, obviously, but they all say that there is something and if we are good to others, cause no harm, etc, etc, we will somehow be rewarded when we die. I do intend to research other religions deeper to solidify this point but, if most religions operate under the same basic standards, why does it cause so much hatred? Does religion teach the 'I'm right so you must be wrong so I'm going to kill you for disagreeing with me' method? If so, isn't that contradictory to everything else it teaches?
  

• The only thing that I am absolutely certain about is that it is not possible to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN. Yes, you can believe, you can hope, you can trust, but - unless you are dead - there is no way to know for sure. So, why are people so arrogant as to think that they know all of the answers? To believe that there is no possibility other than what they already know? How do they not see that they are altering their perception and reality to be in line with what they want or hope?

• Prayer is both illogical and reasonable at the same time. I have always thought that the power of prayer is not that it changes anything but more that it lessens feeling of hopelessness in a given situation. Prayer allows people to feel empowered, therefore it is empowering. The illogical aspect of prayer is believing that there is some god with magical puppet strings willing to make changes based on something you asked for. Your god will alter the fate of human existence because you said please. Your dog is going to die? That is a fact of life... but... oh, you asked if he could live so, okay, here you go. I was busy over here on the other side of the world working to save the life of a soldier who stepped on a land mine but your prayer interrupted me so here you go.

• Anything that strengthens or brings out the best in people - be it belief in heaven or fear of punishment or respect for some god - whatever it is that causes people to be kind to others, to help, to dream and create and share - I am all for it. When my grandmother passed away, I was not comforted by my belief in god, I was comforted by hers. It helped to know that her fear was eased by her belief that she was going to be with her husband again. Whether she was right or wrong, her belief helped her through.

• The concept of a god and of heaven does not make rational sense. There are too many impossibilities, too many overlaps, too many conflicting ideas. And, yet, when I consider the intricacies of the human body, of nature, of evolution and development I have to wonder: how is it possible that there is NOT a god of some sort? And my rational mind screams in defeat.

• I have a theory which incorporates both the concept of religion and the theory of evolution. It is this (as well as I can explain it, anyway): I believe that we are working toward "heaven" on earth. The evolution of man, and therefore the evolution of ideas, is making the world smaller, creating one race, curing disease, helping the needy and teaching tolerance for the differences in others. Perhaps there will come a day when everyone is equal, when there is no pain or suffering or hunger or abuse or sickness. That would be heaven on earth, would it not? The only problem with the theory? When we get to that day, what will be the point of the next day? I guess we will have to answer that question when we get there. Then again, I could be completely wrong. And I'm okay with that.
  

And, that, my wonderful friends, is all I have to say in the matter. For now...

How Much For Your Wings? - The Black Crowes

Quotes

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"...if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

Msg from a fellow Twit

stevenshehori Lady -- you are Queen Shit of Funny Mountain. Where 'shit' = 'good,' as opposed to it being shitty.

*grins*

"Honey, your odds go up when you file an application"

Had lunch with Julie today. She told me a story about some of her friends and, I have to say, I've never been more impressed with her as a person. Not that I ever doubted her for a minute. I guess I have been confronted with so much hypocracy and been so overly bothered by it that it was almost a relief to know that it isn't everywhere, in everyone. I was starting to wonder if I was just going to have to accept that it's just the way things are. But it's not. We make choices. Those choices are what define us. And I'm proud to call Julie my friend and to know that she is such a good friend to others. Sounds a bit melodramatic, I know, but it's given me hope/faith back.

On a lighter note, Julie is considering joining me for my trip or even for part of it. Don't know if it will work out timing-wise so I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out. My only concern? Can she handle watching "Twilight" on an almost daily basis? ;-)

Starting to get a wee bit tense about hiring a moving company. Time is getting short - I hope I can find someone who can pick up by the end of the month. My computer is still broken and, in this electronic age of no phone books, I've fallen behind. Julie lent me her Yellow Pages so I'll have to get on the horn tomorrow. Want my dang 'puter back! I'm starting to feel disconnected. It's amazing how limited it makes you. Luckily, I have eternal faith that things will work out so I'm not losing sleep over it.

In other news, I ordered some winter tires today. The idea had crossed my mind a time or two but I saw a sign saying winter tires are required on the mountain passes. And, after all, I am moving back to winter!

"Live life abundantly"

Okay, while I'm in list making mode, I thought I'd make one about why. Why am I doing all of this? Complete life over-haul 2008-2009.

Generally, it's about living the life that I want to live, about being the person I want to be. Genuinely. Out loud. This stuff is what I want to do, this is the why. Mainly the getting in shape/eating better side of things. It's not about being chubby anymore. I can live with that, it no longer diminishes who I am. It's about:

* Running * Swimming * Dancing * Climbing * Acrobatics * Clothes * Skating * Comfort * Sexy Undies * Pictures * Hot men * Health * Money * Biking * Energy * Clear skin * Blood circulation * Digestion * Hiking * Skiing * THE OUTSIDE MATCHING THE INSIDE * PROVING THAT I CAN!!

"Manicured nails to set the pedicure off, she's fly effortlessly"

I wanna be fly effortlessly!

Okay, so apparently I've been slacking off. I do love the drama and it's time for the panic to begin. Woot! People to see, things to do. Many things I might have possibly left too late. Ah, life. What will be will be.

List time! TO DO:
- renew driver's licence
- get eyes checked
- boxes (from U-Haul?)
- get computer fixed
- call moving companies
- passport?
- go to dentist
- call lease company
- get car serviced
- get tire fixed
- call ICBC
- call Canada Post re address change
- haircut
- start packing
- plan
- plan
- plan!
- wash car

People I need to say goodbye to:
- Joe
- Sheena
- Jacquie & Debbie
- Ian
- Marg
- Jim
- Gayleen & Chris
- Julie
- Rebecca
- Dycks
- Fabe
- Jane & Harry
- Core Cluster Group
- Lisa

"It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking"

I'm not a big fan of goodbyes. I was thinking on the way home from having Thanksgiving at the Dyck's.

I'm all about the attention. I get a kick out of telling people my plans. I enjoy getting feedback and advice. I love get-togethers and I'm making a point to see everyone in BC who has been a part of my life here. I'm even glad I saw Karl and Jenny back in August. I like to remember, to think about the girl who drove into Richmond 13 years ago. I am awed by the experiences I have had here and the growth has been so difficult and so easy on this ever-curving path of mine. Every place I have been and everyone I have known are a part of me now. That is something that will never change.

Yet I don't like to say goodbye. The tears spring forth, I guess. Must avoid that. Thanks, Mom.

"Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood, and I..." went left

My computer broke/died on Wednesday. I have been oddly enjoying myself ever since so I didn't contact anyone to repair it yet. This is part of the weirdness that is me now, this go-with-the-flow-ness. Personally, I love it but it tends to frustrate everyone else.

This was the time for me to solidify my plans further. But I am not ready yet. Time is steadily passing but I have not totally made up my mind yet. And, as I always say, if the answer isn't yes, it has to be no. Perhaps it would be better to say that I will live with "maybe" until it becomes yes or no. But I do not act on it until then. The maybe right now is the eternal question of stuff or money. Obviously there are some things that I will take no matter what. My "things". My piano, TV, books, movies, artwork, knick-knacks. What I'm unsure about is taking the big stuff knowing how much extra it will cost. At this point I have $25-30,000 credit but that's it. After that is gone, I will not only have nothing left, I will also own nothing and owe $60,000+. As we all know, money is not a huge priority to me and this venture of self discovery can not be monetized. However, there is also the aversion to throwing away money unneccessarily.

So, let's look at it this way. In a perfect world where money was no object, what would I do? Would I bring this sofa, which I hate? Would I - okay, wait. That's not going to help. If money were absolutely no object I would give it all to charity, hop on a plane and get everything new on the other side. Mmm. Yeah. But money is an object, although it is not everything. So let's think this through and put the money aspect on the back burner.

I could pack up everything I own and have it shipped - including the sofa bed and the bed - which I also basically hate. I could pack up all of the things, pay someone $3-4,000 to take it to Ontario for it to sit in storage for a few months at least. Then I would hop in my car and drive there myself with the things that I would need during that time. Keep in mind that the car is a lease which costs $675/mo, which I will need to get serviced and I will need extra insurance and special permission.

On the other hand, I could turn the car in, rent a U-Haul for about $2,000 and take only the things I really want to keep. However, that would entail driving a vehicle that I don't know over the Rocky Mountains by myself. And I would have to buy another vehicle when I get there - a shit box because, with no job, no one will give me a loan. I would also have to get a new bed and couch (and have no spare or sofa bed) when I get my new pad.

Putting aside the money issue, the answer is obvious to me. I love my car, it would be so much nicer and more comfortable to drive that than some crappy rented truck which could cause massive amounts of problems. And, with the exception of a few things, I like my stuff. Getting it shipped and stored until I need it would be a dream.

So, it seems like the decision has been made, doesn't it? Perhaps I am just wasting time. Is that so wrong? Perhaps I am absolutely dreading the thought of packing all this stuff up again. And I have until the end of the month. There is not great reason to leave on the 20th. I think I will sit back and continue to plan, continue to visualize, continue to read and sing and do puzzles to my heart's content. And remember that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. In this situation, the only opinion that matters is mine. And if I'm making a bad call, an error in judgement, I'm totally okay with that. Because every wrong step I take is still a step in the right direction. It's the way I live. And, being this happy, I gotta be doing something right.

"Self Knowledge is Like Lost Innocence"

Today I was watching a special on PBS called something like 'What is the right thing to do'. JusticeHarvard.org. I think it was actually a series of philosophy lectures from Harvard. It was really interesting. He spoke about morals and how we base our decision making on the perceived outcome of a situation sometimes and other times the outcome is based on the morality of the act itself. Very interesting.

I am bothered somewhat by the fact that I have already forgotten the terminology. The second was called categorical decision making, the other escapes me. Hmm.

Anyway, I was reminded of who great my urge to learn has become. I thirst for knowlege. About everything and anything. The problem is, so overwhelmed by choices, ideas and possibilities, I rarely settle for anything. Must work on my focus a bit.

"Shoot for the Moon... Even If You Miss, You'll Land Among the Stars"

This is my account of my journey to the moon. It's not a journey to the stars - the moon or bust, baby! Although my moon might be different than yours.

My life so far, geographically speaking:
Age 0-18 - Wabush, Newfoundland & Labrador
Age 18-24 - Kelligrews/St. John's, Newfoundland & Labrador
Age 24-37 - Richmond/Langley/Surrey, British Columbia
Age 37-?? - Buttfuck, Ontario

Okay, just "somewhere", Ontario. Finding out where is part of the journey.

I currently live in a small basement suite in Surrey (Cloverdale). I moved here in April after I sold my condo in Langley. This place is approximately 500sq ft. That's totally a guess, I know not of such things.

Everything I own in the world:
* Cream coloured sofa bed
* Red ottoman
* Tulip chair x2
* Shag area rug 10x18'
* Bookcase
* TV stand
* 40" JVC Flat screen TV
* DVD player/VCR
* Wii console w/Rock Bank & DDR
* Digital Piano
* Square kitchen table for 4
* 2 red chairs
* Two-door wardrobe
* Red bench
* Queen size bed w/frame & night stand
* 6 drawer dresser
* Desk w/shelves
* Computer
* Stationary bike
* Clothes
* A gazzillion things in storage
* Misc (dishes, etc)

I list these things because I am planning to move to Ontario and I have to decide what to take. Fabian, my former lover and fellow Newfoundlander, things I should sell it all and start from scratch. I disagree, for several reasons, including but not limited to:

1. I like my stuff. I bought it when I had money. I don't have money now, only credit.
2. There are some things which I could not part with, such as my piano, books, DVD's. Too much to fit in my car.
3. Other things would be too expensive to replace, even with a cheaper version.
4. I don't want to start from scratch, I want to continue. I want to evolve. I want to become. I want to land on the moon.

And so, I need to determine what gets packed, shipped and stored for a while on the other side as opposed to what will come with me. As I don't know where, when or how I will end up, this will be somewhat of a tricky endeavour.

Some of the things I NEED to do before I go:
- hire a moving company (after getting quotes)
- determine rules regarding taking my leased vehicle out of the province
- get a ton of boxes
- pack said boxes
- devise a way to safely transport my beloved art work

Because I am very obviously insane, this will be my fourth move in two years. However, the other moves were within 10 minutes of each other. This one is a wee bit further. About 4,400 kms further. A whole new ball of wax.

When I moved to BC 13 years ago, I packed my pillows, security blanket and miniscule wardrobe into my car and hit the road within two weeks of deciding to move. Again, wax, ball, different. Of course, I'm a little different now, too. More mature, more sane, more solid, more grounded, more fat and more wrinkled. More me.

Quotes

"...we accept the love we think we deserve."
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
— e.e. cummings

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
— Confucius

Sleep already!

This sleep pattern crap is getting out of hand. It's been a couple of weeks now that I've been sleeping for about two hours at night and two to three hours in the day. The only night I slept for more than two hours was the one time that I had something to get up for. I don't understand and I don't know how to make it stop. I've tried staying up, I've tried staying in bed. I exercise every day. I'm not stressed about anything (that I know of). I'm not thinking about anyone (except my dad but that's only been bad for the past few days). I'm eating healthy. I must be missing something. At least my hair isn't falling out, I guess.

Sweet Dreams - Beyoncé

Horoscope

Scorpio
(Oct 23 - Nov 21) You seem to be able to walk a fine line today as you gracefully stand between the old regular routine and the as-of-yet unknown future. Somehow, you can fill in the details in your dreams without anxiously wondering how you can possibly make your ideal fantasies come true. Don't worry about manifesting anything now; just experience your life as it is. You'll be able to enjoy your current freedom more if you aren't responsible for making anything happen right away.