Self fulfilling prophecy?

It's the same old story. He tells me how awesome I am. He tells me how much I make him laugh. He tells me all kinds of good things about me. And then he gets to know me. And disappears. All the #FF love is gone now. And it's because I let him see inside. And I don't want him or anyone to see any more. I just don't want anyone to know.

You know who you are

Dear You:

Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I know it might not seem like it but I really am okay, I have it together... it just gets stuck sometimes.

It is true: I have felt like an outsider my whole life and continue to feel that way most of the time but I have come to terms with it and, for the most part, I like it now. I like being different. I like that I will stay true to myself, even in the face of the pressure to do otherwise. I like that I won't say mean things just to go with the crowd. I like being strong in my convictions. I like it almost all of the time.

I know that, as I go forward with my life as I am right now, some of those old feelings of when I didn't like being different will come to the surface. Kind of like the whole microwave story: there were things that I believed to be true my whole life that I won't know are false until they start a fire. Apparently literally and figuratively. My initial experience with Twitter started it's own fire (did you know this is my second account?); the other day Tumbr did the same thing but to a lesser degree.

What I have learned from my time underground is that those bad feelings need to be dealt with right away. Until a few years ago, I kept them bottled up and they exploded to the surface in mass quantities. (Warning: clicking on that link will bring you to my old blog/journal from 2003-9... and it ain't pretty.) But exploding wasn't healthy for me or for anyone around me. Then, once I learned to stop the explosions and remain in control at all times, it turned out to be worse. My hair started falling out, I vomited almost daily, I even stopped having my period!

Now I know that when these bad feelings hit me, I need to say them out loud (okay, write them in my blog... same same) so I can look at them objectively and decide whether they are valid or just old scars that I forgot I had. That's what this blog/journal is about. I come here to say anything that I want to say. Then I can analyze it or kind of hear it with my new voice (hence, "The Friend Inside My Head" title). It's just me trying to purge the old bad stuff and move forward with the good stuff.

Does that make sense at all?

25 Things (from Tumblr)

1. My very first thought when I considered doing 25 things was that I don’t have 25 interesting things to say. Let’s see…
2. I drink more water than anyone I have ever known. Totally unrelated: I pee more than anyone I have ever known.
3. I keep my fingernails cut down to the quick at all times.
4. I have never farted in front of a man. (Except probably when I was a kid.) (And in my sleep.)
5. I was living with my ex for 6 months before he heard me burp. He liked it. I didn’t.
6. I kept my mother on an extremely high pedestal for the first 35 years of my life. Then one day I pushed her to the ground and made her climb back up. She did.
7. My little sister (who thinks I shouldn’t call her my “little sister” anymore because she’s 27) is my absolute favourite person in the world and the only person I would die for without hesitation.
8. I hate eating. If there was a way that I could survive without food, I’d be all over it like a fat kid on a Smartie.
9. I don’t like going to bed… er, I should say to sleep. I’ve already missed too much of my life, I don’t want to miss another minute.
10. Being thrown from a horse was the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
11. I need to get a dog before I get a boyfriend. When I left my two ex’s, I also had to leave my dogs. Next time the dog is staying with me.
12. I declared 2005 the ‘International Year of Bev’ and changed my whole life.
13. I am embarrassed to tell you how many times I have seen Twilight. It’s a lot.
14. I miss being a work-aholic.
15. I have survived every car accident I have ever been in.
16. I see dead people. Then they close the casket and I can’t see them anymore.
17. I am obviously struggling with this now.
18. I love my car. It is the only thing I have left from the days when I had money. But the lease is up and I have to give it back on Saturday. Boo.
19. My favourite possession is a patch work quilt that my grandmother made in 1980. Now I only take it out when I am really sick because my grandmother’s hands aren’t strong enough to repair it anymore (I already wore it out twice).
20. I love music and will listen to anything anywhere anytime.
21. I like virtually every movie that I see. And if I don’t like it the first time, I will watch it again just in case my enjoyment was marred by outside influences the first time.
22. I can’t believe I thought of 21 things. Okay, 20. #17 was a cheat.
23. I can’t believe I thought of 22 things. Fuck off. This is my 25 Things.
24. I don’t regret. Anything. Ever. Any actions I take or words I say were based on the information and feelings I had at that moment. And I refuse to waste my time worrying about things I can’t change.
25. That being said, I do everything in my power to be true to myself and my beliefs, even if they go against everyone else.
26. I CANNOT believe that I am moving home!
27. I’m out of control and can’t stop at 25.
28. But I really don’t have anything left to say.
29. So I’ll just keep doing this for a while.
30. My brother is a dick.
31. That is all.
32. Good Day, sir.
32b. I said Good Day.

Come to the edge

Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them. And they flew.
~Guillaume Apollinaire~

Home

I grew up in a small, isolated mining town called Wabush, Labrador (near Quebec). When I lived there, the town could only be accessed by plane or train. The population was about 3,000.

We had one hotel, one grocery store, one bar, one restaurant. One bank, one department store, one convenience store. One school for everyone, from kindergarten to graduation.

We didn’t have strangers and we didn’t have crime. I only knew one kid who’s parents split up but they moved away soon after. Every single person in my town was white - with the exception of one black guy (the product of an extramarital affair).

My parents were happily married. Dad was a mechanic in the mine and Mom was the bank manager. I have an older sister and brother; our younger sister was born when I was 11.

We lived in a yellow bungalow with a white picket fence and a dog named Patches - I shit you not.

I had no idea how sheltered I was. When I moved away at the age of 18, the world slapped me in the face and told me to stop being such an idiot. ;-)

Intent

I wrote this for my Tumblr but I'm deleting it off of there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So someone wrote something extremely similar to something I wrote a long time ago and it ended up on the leaderboard.

All the way. Like top top leaderboard!

Was harm intended? I am reasonably certain she doesn’t even know I exist.

Did this person intentionally go through my old tweets and pick out one she liked because she wanted to steal from me? I highly doubt it.

I. Highly. Doubt. It.

Plagiarize –verb (used with object)

1. to take and use by plagiarism
2. to take and use ideas, passages, etc., from another’s work

To take and use. To TAKE. That would imply intent.

I commented on it because I thought it was cool. Something I once said is on the leaderboard. That means if I had more than 193 followers (which I do not) I might have gotten 90 stars in 7 hours (instead of 44 stars in two months) and would have probably ended up on the leaderboard, too.

I commented on it because plagiarism is basically the latest meme/scandal and I was making a joke! You know? Like on Twitter? Where we make jokes? All day long??

IT WAS A JOKE! NO HARM WAS DONE!!!!!

So, whatever, people! Chill out! You’re ruining my happy party!

Damn it!!!!!

Now I’m going to have to go get drunk and throw my body on top of the first man I see so I can celebrate. I might get pregnant with some stranger’s baby and end up homeless because… well, I’m already homeless. Or I might get a disease! Or I might… have an orgasm. Hmm… that migh- No, that’s not the point.

Look at all of this drama!

You couldn’t just let me have a little giggle?

Damn it.

Where’s my stupid wine glass? ;-)

(Just for clarification: this, too, is a joke. I kid. It’s what I do.)

Different

Have you ever felt different from everyone else you know?

Yes, I know, grand scheme of things... we are all different.

But different .

From everyone.

I have been told that I was different my whole life.

As a child, it was "special".

As a teenager, it was "wrong".

As an adult, it's "weird".

Most people think the ways I am different are good ways.

I'm different because I am who I am:

considerate of other people's thoughts and feelings,

an optimist who sees the grass on both sides of the fence,

enthusiastic about the future of the world.

But those years of self-discovery that I always talk about?

The first few years were me figuring out who I am,

The rest was me trying to be okay with being that person.

Normal people don't get excited about shovelling snow.

Normal people don't like every single type of music.

Normal people don't like that their parents have sex.

Normal people don't love with this intensity.

Normal people don't cry because they have so many people who love them but not a single person who "gets" them. And not a single person ever has.

Yeah, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm weird.

I even love me for it now.

I just don't believe that anyone else will ever feel the same.

Because, wherever I am,

there always has to be a side of me that stays hidden.

Stoned. Not stoned. Here's the difference.

I don't feel like I fit in with the rest of the world. I never have. I'm just not one way or another, I'm every way. I like the wrong things. I say the wrong things. I feel the wrong things.

After reading a post called "Enthusiasm" on Tumblr, I decided to finally post my ways I'm weird list. It was up for less than 5 minutes. I don't want people to know. They don't get it. I'm a freak.

I know this to be true whether I'm sober or stoned. The difference is: when I'm stoned, I don't care.

Don't quit quitting

I started smoking the summer I was 10. I was hanging around with a girl who was 4 years older than me and damn, she was cool. So I became cool, too. A rebel. A grown up, mature, really cool rebel.

For many years I didn’t consider it an addiction. I liked smoking. I wanted to smoke. Back in the days that I only had enough money to buy lunch or a pack of cigarettes, I would skip that meal without question.

I’m not sure how or why I changed my mind - I’m certain some non-smoking boy was involved - but at some point I realized I wasn’t so cool anymore. I won’t go into all of the times and all of the ways I tried to quit. Let me just say that I tried. And I failed. And I tried. And I failed.

I used to joke about how easy it was to quit smoking. I was exceptional at it - I had successfully quit smoking almost every Monday for years. Not starting again two days later that was the part I couldn’t master.

Actually, I did have periodic success. Sometimes it lasted weeks, sometimes months. But even then, if asked, I would say that I was a smoker who wasn’t currently smoking.

Then, in the fall of 2005, I knew - without a doubt - that I would never smoke again for the rest of my life.
I read a book called “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking.” No, I began reading the book. I was less than halfway through when I stopped reading and stopped smoking. One passage in this book changed my life.

This is what the author was saying leading up to that paragraph (I’m paraphrasing because I gave the book to a friend): If you consider the addiction a monster inside you, every time you smoke a cigarette, you are feeding the monster. Keeping him satisfied. Then he gets hungry again, so you feed him again. Over and over, the same thing is happening. Feed the monster, feed the craving, feed the need.

However. If you stop feeding him? He will die. It will hurt, you will feel as if a part of you is dying - and a part of you is dying. But it is the part of you that you want gone.

Eventually - I GUARANTEE YOU - eventually, he will be gone completely. You will think of him from time to time, you will miss him from time to time but he will be gone. As soon as you smoke one cigarette, he will be back. And you will have to start the whole process again.

Now, this is what he said that made the most sense to me: If one cigarette will bring that monster back, that’s the only cigarette you have to avoid.

I don’t think about never being able to smoke again, I don’t look at every cigarette in the world as something that will tempt me and undermine my will power. I am avoiding one cigarette. The first one. And that? I can do.

***********************************************

If you’re trying to quit smoking right now, I highly recommend the book. “The Easy Way to Quit Smoking” has helped me, my brother, my BFF and my ex-boyfriend become non-smokers for life. Each of us said that there was one particular passage that spoke to us. And it was a different passage for each of us.

It is not magic. I also gave the book to a couple of people who did not quit. And, of course, I know lots of people who quit in other ways. You just have to find the way that works for you. It will still be a struggle, it will still be a challenge, but that monster will die if you let him. And when he is gone, you’ll know that you can do anything you set your mind to. And if you don’t get rid of him this time, trust that you will kill him eventually.

You only fail when you stop trying.

So DON’T QUIT QUITTING!

Songs that make me...

Songs that make me laugh:

• I Can't Decide - The Scissor Sisters
• Lump - The Presidents of the United States of America
• Comfort Eagle - Cake

Songs that make me cry:

• Tell Me Why - Will Smith
• Look Ma, No Hands - Elton John
• Beauty - Shaye

Songs that turn me on:

• Closer - Nine Inch Nails
• Silver - Moist
• Glycerine - Bush

Songs that I can't listen to with my eyes open:

• Your Latest Trick - Dire Straits
• This Year's Love - David Gray
• Bella's Lullaby - Carter Burwell

Songs that I'm pretty sure were written about me:

• Used and Abused - Danger Radio
• Manifest Destiny - Guster
• Self Esteem - The Offspring

Songs that should have been written by me:

• Free - Faith Hill
• Hunter - Dido
• Call and Answer - Barenaked Ladies

Songs that make me get up. And get down:

• Patricia, the Stripper - Chris de Burgh
• Strange Disease - Prozzak
• Whyyawannabringmedown - Kelly Clarkson

Songs that inspire me:

• Beat Goes On - Madonna
• One Step at a Time - Jordin Sparkes
• I Got Nerve - Hannah Montana (yeah, that's what I said!)
  

When funny isn't funny

The first "dead hooker" joke I saw on Twitter made me laugh my ass off. I can't find it now but it was by @iamnotdiddy and went something like "son, help Daddy put the dead hooker in the trunk. Again." Okay, I totally ruined it but at the time I thought it was a work of art, comedicly speaking.

Since then I have read a million other dead hooker jokes... some funny, some not so funny and some that I am certain offended dead hookers all over the world.

But we all have a different idea of what we consider funny (I'm reminded of this every time I tell a joke a no one laughs - that is totally rare, though...totally rare..) and I think the best part of life is finding people who laugh at the same things as you and laughing together.

For most people, humour is about pushing the envelope and eliciting a reaction from others. And dead hooker jokes definitely fit the bill. But there is such a thing as too far. Here's why: because people are stupid.

A group of not-so-stupid buddies can have a few beers and a great laugh tossing back and forth the dead hooker gems. Each joke feeds off the last, getting a little more crass and a whole lot more funny. There is nothing wrong with that... chances are no one will leave the group and go out and kill a hooker for new material.

The problem is, when it's on Twitter, it isn't a private conversation. And not everyone gets the joke.

I'm not talking about uptight bitches and the like. As far as I'm concerned, if they don't think it's funny, they shouldn't read it. Simple. No one has the right to judge you on the things you say based on the things they believe. It's called freedom of speach, amirite?

However, there may be something we forget to consider when we say not everyone *gets* the joke. There's a very real possibility that some of the people who don't get the joke aren't offended by it... they are inspired by it. What we don't consider is that there might be a guy sitting at home in front of his computer who is stupid. And he's taking notes.

One of your followers might be a guy who thinks you are saying that murder is acceptable. Or that everyone wants these hookers punished. It might be someone who is looking for attention or a way to deal with the voices in his head. It might be someone who wants to take the joke to the next level, because it's so funny. And your tweet might tell him that is okay.

Obviously, there was murder long before Twitter was invented and there will be many more after Twitter is gone. Also, I'm not saying that you should be responsible for the actions of people you don't even know. All I ask is that, the next time you are about to post another dead hooker joke, ask yourself if this particular joke is crossing a line. Consider how you would feel if you knew that tweet led to a child losing his mother or a parent losing a child or a human being losing her life. And then judge yourself.

Okay, enough serious. So, a dead hooker walks into a bar. The bartender says...

Martin Luther King Day

“Cowardice asks the question, ‘Is it safe?’ Expediency asks the question, ‘Is it politic?’ Vanity asks the question, ‘Is it popular?’ But, conscience asks the question, ‘Is it right?’ And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but one must take it because one’s conscience tells one that it is right.”

—	Martin Luther King, Jr

This stuff warms my frickin' heart

I know you're not supposed to make DMs public. Kind of an honour thing. I hope he doesn't mind but this blog is kinda my diary, you know?

@MaDom To be honest, I'm normaly not a kiss-ass. But you do it for me. =)


**so sweet!**

Random Thought

My soap box is so high today, I'm afraid to get off.

Why I followed you back

Okay, you might not have noticed this about me but I think the shit out of everything. I have a reason for every single thing I do and a reason for every single thing I don't do. Do you wonder why I did/didn't follow you back? There is a reason. Trust me.

I'm not on Twitter to get a million followers. I'm not going to lie and say that wouldn't be awesome but it's not my primary motivation. Actually, I laugh and/or roll my eyes every time I see someone post a "dear new followers" bullshit tweet. Dear new followers. I am better than you. It's very important that you should know this and accept your lower station in life. Pftt. Pu-leeze.

More like Dear people who choose to have my shit part of their twitter sewage stream. Get a plunger. *tee hee* That was a little harsh, I agree. But... I don't know... we're all... people, aren't we? Equal in the eyes of our master, Twitter? Ah, but I digress.

I do not have a follow every follower rule. I know that some people do and that's totally cool ~ to each their own. We might just be here for different reasons. I don't tend to like people just because they like me. And I don't expect people to like me just because I like them. Like me for me, baby. On Twitter and in life.

What am I looking for when I click that Follow button? Many different things. What's your reply to tweet ratio? Do I laugh at your tweets? Do your replies make me feel that you are someone I would want to hear more of? Do you sound needy and bitter? Are you reasonably clean - but not too clean - and reasonably positive - but not too positive? Do you tweet a gazillion times a day... or enough to block most everyone else from my stream? And, of course, did you follow/unfollow me more than once?

If you are following me and a few days later you are at the top of my followers list again and a few days after that you are at the top of my followers list again? Chances are slim that I will ever follow you back, my friend. Are you trying to get my attention? Did you think I didn't notice you the last three times? Everyone feels a little twinge when they lose a follower... and you think that I will let you give me that twinge over and over and then follow you back to make you like me? You are obviously trying to increase your numbers but I'm here to feel good and to try to make others feel good. I cannot reward you for making me feel bad. Yeah, you know who you are.

And the absolutely most important consideration when I decide to follow someone? Did you comment/reply/star any of my tweets? Did you stand up and say hey, you're funny or hey, I don't agree? Because, when someone chooses to communicate with me, all of that other stuff just won't matter as much.

Believe it or not, as cold and callous as you might think me to be, I do follow some people just because I don't want to hurt their feelings. There are a few people that I followed because they seemed promising but, to be honest, kind of irritate me now. However, I have communicated with them and will remain what they call "loyal". Like I said, I'm not here to make people feel bad. Although I really find it funny when I am doing the loyal shtick only to find out that they no longer follow me. And that happens all the time - to all of us.

Human interaction can get so complicated, so downright silly. This is not personal - we are 140 characters and an avatar to each other. Will my feelings get hurt if I think I've connected with someone only to have them unfollow me? Absolutely. Without a doubt. But I'm not going to dwell on it - what good would that do? I'll be disappointed for a few minutes - probably even have a passing thought about confronting them to find out why - and then I'll realize that it doesn't matter. I'll read the next person's tweet. I'll laugh. And I'll move on.

It's simple. I follow people who I want to be a part of my stream. And I want to be in the stream of people who want to laugh with me. I can't be honest in the things I say if I am constantly editing to try to please everyone.

My advice to you and to me? Laugh or unfollow. We're cool.

Control

I control my actions because I cannot control the actions of others.

I control the words I speak because I cannot control the words of others.

I control the level of responsibility I take for myself.

Responsibility to be the best person I can be.

Responsibility to live the best life I can live.

Responsibility to be true to myself, even when that means going against everyone else.

I control me because I cannot control you. 

********************************************

Sorry, I'm always like this when I'm stoned.

I preach it when I'm stoned, I live it when I'm not.

My friends and family are very grateful that I left my main source for the gaunja. Not sure why. ;-)

Last Christmas gift doobie, BTW. I must remember to not give him my forwarding address when I move.

The choices we make

Oh, how easy it is to look for the bad in people and deeds. Why do we accept the bad without looking for the good?

We have soul mates and lovers and crushes and colleagues and acquaintances and parents/siblings. No two relationships are the same. Sometimes relationships might cross more than one type; sometimes they evolve from one to the other. But we all like different people different amounts for different reasons and in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that. That's how it should be because that's how it is.

Let's take dating for an example. Have you ever dated someone that liked you more than you liked them? Yes. Have you ever dated someone that you liked more than they liked you? Of course you have.

Have you ever dated someone that liked you more and you didn't *dislike* them but they just weren't your kind of people? Not for any bad reason in particular but just because it didn't feel right or you didn't click? It's natural - it's life!

So, why, when someone unfollows you on Twitter, do you take it so personally? Yes, you can look at it as an insult. You can be offended. You can assume that someone is trying to hurt you. But, nine times out of ten, it's none of those things. Perhaps they didn't realize you cared. Maybe you liked them a little more than they liked you. There is nothing wrong with that.

You *must* like some of your Twitter friends more than others. You HAVE to. You can't possibly follow 600 people and like each and every one of them equally. Heck, you probably don't even like me very much right now.

And I am perfectly okay with that. Because I don't take it personally if you have different opinions than I have. I don't think I'm better than you and I don't think I'm worse than you. I'm simply different than you. And different doesn't have to mean wrong.

Quite frankly, and I'm sure this will offend you, it doesn't really matter what you think of me. I don't know you and you don't know me. We know nothing of each other than a few daily tweets-worth. I don't know how or where you grew up or how you feel about the death penalty or love or the colour of the sky. You are in my daily twitter stream with hundreds of people, as I am in yours. I'd really like for us to be friends but if we're not, I'll be friends with someone else. And I will be happy either way.

Because I choose to be happy.

Let me tell you a little something about me to illustrate my point further: I found out less than an hour ago that my father's cancer treatment is not working. They have stopped it because it is harming him more than healing him. They gave him 18 months to live 13 months ago. He has been in hospital twice since. It is very possible that my father will die very soon.

But I also found out that there is a new drug that they might be able to give him that could possibly work, except they have to do a very risky procedure on him first. This new drug could help him live for 5 years, 10 years - no one knows.

So, how would you advise me to react? I can sit here and cry because one drug isn't working or because he might die during that risky procedure.

Or I can sit here with hope in my heart that this new drug will prolong his life and my father might get to see his my sister get married in June and meet his grandchildren who have yet to be born. And they might get to know him!

I have believed that my father, whom I love dearly, will be dead in *months* for over a year but now there is a possibility that he won't be. How exciting is that????

So, I'm going to look for the good because that's the only choice to me.

I honestly mean no offence to you, and I take no offence. If you unfollow me because you don't like my perspective on Twitter followers and unfollowers, I wish you well and hope that you find people that you do like. Because that's what I will do.

Happiness. Is. A. Choice.

Don't doubt it for a second.

Fuckin Twitter again

Kriminey pickles, I love Twitter. It's love and lust. Like, I want to rip Twitter's clothes off and kiss every inch of it from head to toe. I want to get down on my knees and... er, sorry. My fingers said Twitter but my imagination said Rob Pattinson. Ahem. Where was I? Oh, right... pickles...

As you and I both know, because we are both me, I have not participated in #FollowFriday on Twitter since I changed to my @Bevikins account.

As @Befralee, Fridays became almost like high school for me. Hoping I'd get asked out. Not getting asked out. Trying too hard. Not trying at all. Up. Down. Tearing me apart bitchfest from hell. Er... I mean Twitter kinda ruined Fridays for me.

It was all seven days of the week that made me leave but, coming back with my tail between my legs, I wanted to do it different. Continuous improvements. It's who I am.

So, I decided instead that I would give shout outs when inspired to do so, and on any day of the week. When I started @Bevikins I decided that I would not do #FollowFriday because not being #FF'ed or "asked out" just hurt my feelings and I didn't want to do that to anyone else.

I realize now that I didn't account for how awesome it feels to be "asked out". I forgot how special it makes you feel to be the person that someone picked out of a crowd because they think you're special.

I forgot that there is always someone out there who thinks more of you than you realize. It's a scientific fact. I'm pretty sure.

So I'm going to start giving an #FF mention to one or two people that really drove up my smile count during the given week. Because making them feel good makes me feel good.

Yep.

Random Thought

I wish my dad was a part of my generation. I would love to share Twitter with him.

Queen Shit of Funny Mountain

I'm developing a big Twitter-crush on this guy:

http://thefriendinsidemyhead.blogspot.com/2009/10/this-is-message-i-got-on-twitter-today.html

We actually have the same birthday - day and year - which is really weird/cool. And he's always flirty and funny. He's king shit of funny mountain. And so cute.

He posted this picture the other day:

I don't know why I'm telling you all this. He's just cute and makes me giggle. It's silly. Oh, yes, I do know why I'm telling you all this. It's because the proof is in the pudding... mmm, pudding. Er, I mean, it's because it is insight. Insight about what look for in a man.

I want a guy who calls me, but not right away. I want a guy who is charming but not over bearing. I want a guy who is funny and silly. I want a guy who makes me feel good. I want that click, that spark and I want to giggle and be charmed.