Yeah

- yeah? Well, lets try this again, smart ass... you thought you were so fucking awesome last time... fix me now, bitch.

- what the ---

- yeah, I thought so. Welcome to my world.

- what the hell is going on?

- everything. Nothing. I'm a freak. I'm a loser. I have nothing. I'm worth nothing. God will this never end?

- will what ever end? What???

- these fucking break downs. I just... nothing has changed... except I no longer make $100,000/year and I now have no home and no friends and no life. Way better. Awesome idea. Awesome.

- but...

- and now I don't get to smoke pot and I don't get to eat without guilt and I don't get to drink and I don't get to have sex with people I don't care about and I don't get to desperately love people that I shouldn't care about. I just sit here. All day long. Alone. On the internet. Where - also - no one really gives a shit if I live or die. And now I can't even fucking connect to the internet so I don't even have that any more. I am a shell of fucking worthless shit and I really don't know why I bother. Why am I here? What's the big idea? What ever made me think that I could... I don't know... can I change anything? Fuck. I don't know anymore. I just don't fucking know. And I don't care enough to let my fucking Miss Positivity side have a word because we all know she's full of shit, too, so fuck off and die already.

*****

- hmmm, yes, sorry about that. Lost it there for a bit. It bugs me that I go back to the same old thing over and over but whatchagonnado? I was feeling bad for myself with all the #FF bullshit on twitter -as per snoozually- and I took it out on me because, well, I... am... me... or something. I don't know. But I did know that it would be a seriously bad idea to drink tonight and downed a full bottle of wine. The sad part is I didn't even get to enjoy it... chatted with Sue for over an hour and then exploded in a fit of rage.

- blech. Go to bed.

It doesn't look like this job hunt is going to be easy. I really want to concentrate on staying at least within an hour away, closer would be nice.

OTTAWA AIRPORT, GATE 20. It probably wasn't the best idea to have a dream about a plane crash yesterday. It was quite vivid. Also, probably not a good idea that I keep thinking about it!

So, what else is new, as my daddykins would say! Obviously on the way back to Vancouver. I have a lot of packing and good byes to get through. Not quite sure about timing at this point. I applied for an A/P spot at Calabogie Peaks Resort. They seem somewhat interested so far - guess we'll have to see. Probably not the best time to be applying for jobs as I can't go on interviews but that one came up and it would be pretty cool to work there, I think. Go skiing after work!

Ideally - best possible scenario at the moment - I could stay in Renfrew and rent Neil's apartment where Debra and Andrew are now, work at Calabogie, get a dog (a rottie named Gerber???), keep my car, ship my stuff and drive out early October/late September.

The house warming party is the 3rd of October. Cathy and John arrive first, Pat and Bob a few days later. Hopefully no Calvin and no David. Especially Calvin, although I'll just have to suck it up if it comes to that. Tom will probably be there for the weekend.

It would be weird to have the whole family together and not be a part of it. In a funny way, I would be totally okay with it. Of course, that's easy to say right now.

Plane boards in a few minutes, going to Toronto quickly first. Looking forward to getting home and blowing up a fat one - terrible habit which I will leave behind when I move. But just for now, right? Just a while longer.

Debra has been doing Turbo Jam almost daily for a year now. She looks awesome, lost about 30 pounds. No gym, no special diet, no counting calories or hating herself. Although she started on a whole different planet than me - about 50-70 pounds overweight with life long food, commitment and body issues coming out the ying-yang. Hmmm. Times, they are a changing, Bevie. I feel it. In my skin I am residing. Now to start living - sorry, to continue living - as the me I always wanted to be. Sure could do without this guy, though. Hmmm.

Commitment, hey? It occurred to me that I have never really committed myself to anything. I always come first, always. That can't be right, can it?

I just finished the 4th book of the 'Twilight' saga. Good. Goooood! It's hard to define why I loved/love it so much. I have watched the movie almost every day since mid-June and have read each book - except # 4 (so far!) - a couple of times.

It's the love. A love that I have never - and still struggle with - believed in. My way has been too logical. Because I couldn't control the emotional, I guess. With a list of requirements for any man in my life (i.e. loving his family, accepting of mine, financially stable, kind, considerate), I have always found it easy to love - with walls. I have never loved without them.

The closest I have been to anyone without the protection of my walls has been, of course, Debra. Perhaps that's why I have such a strong need to be with her now. To practise, to learn, to simply be open and free to be myself, without restraint.

She ordered her wedding dress today. She is so beautiful. She will make a beautiful bride, I know, although I struggle to picture it. Most likely because I almost melted into a puddle of tears in the bridal shop. I fear my reaction on the day. It might be wise to have lots of sleep, exercise and sex - good sex - in preparation! Exhaust some of that emotion which will surely present itself.

Tomorrow I begin my job search. Ontario, here I come and all that. It's somewhat amusing how little doubt I feel in the face of such tremendous change. I guess I know there will be struggles, benefits and compromises yet the final answer does not change.

It was funny yesterday. When I got off the plane my first thought - after where the hell do I get my bags!!! - was that my new boyfriend lives in Ontario, I wonder who he'll be. Funny.

It is becoming almost exciting (and certainly scary, perhaps I have those two emotions confused?) to go toward a future that I cannot envision. How uncharacteristically odd. And, although it terrifies me that my need for big change, challenge and apparently the unknown might not allow me a traditional life and family, I am already uncovering situations which might afford me both. I.e. long term love and commitment to one man if he shares that desire for change. Perhaps we could travel, flip houses, foster troubled children. See? It's all open and flowing right now. The possibilities!

Which brings me back to 'Twilight'. It's not that I have any interest in bagging myself a hot vampire but maybe there's something to this whole theory of complete and unwavering love? Maybe.

Flying to Ottawa. Funny thought about the side effects. In learning to believe in myself, I also learned to believe in other things that have never bothered me in my whole life. Things like flying - rather, crashing. A fear that I've never had before.

I feel every bump, every air pocket and, where before I would giggle and weeeee, I now think about how much it would SUCK! I honestly think that I spent most of my life waiting to die. It is true that at times I wished I could help it along but, even on a good day, I was waiting for it. And I was okay with it.

That is no longer the case. This pen sucks... I need a keyboard! Okay, new pen...

So, I'm moving to Ontario. It still feels weird to say that, to even think it. About a million times a day I stop and think "I can't believe I'm moving to Ontario!" But I have no doubts, this is the next step, the next stage of my life.

Why? Why. Well, most importantly, I want to be near my family. I could say that I want to spend more time with my dad before his cancer takes hold. I could say that I want to be there for my mother when it does. I could say that I want to be near my sister at this very exciting stage of her life. I want to help her plan her wedding, I want to be there when she has children, I want to be a part of their lives in a way that I wasn't for Cathy's boys, in a way that my aunts and uncles weren't a part of my life and are now basically strangers to me.

But I will be honest with you. While those are all very solid reasons for the move, and absolutely some of the benefits, there are a few more selfish reasons.

1. I'm lonely. I want a family, I want my family. I want to be near Debra. It gives me a comfort that I can't explain. She's my favourite person in the whole world and I am just happier when she is around, even when she was a three hour boat ride away, she fills me up.

2. I want to be somewhere new. To try out this new me in a place where the old me isn't an issue. In friendships and relationships (in the beginning, at least) I have been trying so hard to please the other person that I gave up some of myself. (It was easy because I basically had no idea who "myself" was.) This me wouldn't be friends with Julie. Not that I would not be friends by any means but whatever bond we shared faded long ago. I want to surround myself with people who are genuine and true to themselves, not people who are afraid to combine different groups of friends in case someone might be an embarrassment. Not you, though, Bev. Just everyone else. Mmhmm.

3. I have thought several times that I didn't go far enough this year. Yes, I moved and started a new career but I didn't want to go to the same hair salon and doctor and stores and see the same people and do the same things. I wanted different, I wanted new. I wanted a challenge, a thrill, stress, fear, excitement, life. That's what life is about isn't it? Go in your own direction, be happy. And I will.

I will be happy knowing that these down times are inevitable. They usually bring on something new but nothing will ever stop them. Not food, not pot, not money, not a man, not being alone. They are a part of who I am and someday I will find someone who can live with that. And, in the mean time, I will be using my little sister as my source of love and understanding. I think she's up to the task as no one ever has been before!

I totally forgot that I started writing in here. I do prefer the computer but this pen might just save me $250. A pen that I stole from my former workplace.

Ah, how I love looking back. I seriously need to sit in front of a computer screen and read some of my old stuff. I'm still a little weirded out by some of the unexpected side-effects of my brain over-haul. Not sure if I like them all so now I'm just tweaking a bit.

Tweaking. A.K.A. Moving to Ontario.

Ha! I love how people say "when did you decide this?" and I can say "August 23rd." Because it's true. That's the day I said "I think I'll move to Ontario." And that other voice inside my head said "why not?"

Why not, indeed!

You know, sometimes I think I'm a sad state of a woman, a sorry excuse for a 38 (almost) year old woman. So afraid, so afraid. But the bad part is that I'm not afraid someone won't love me as much as I'm afraid someone will. And the desire to get stoned and numb is potent but it never seems to help much. Okay, it does - it's how I figured out that other crap - but it won't help in this situation.

This is about more than me. It's not good enough for me to have some big epiphany on my own. This involves someone else, too. And that's the hard part. I can only control what I do - and it's really about control, isn't it?

Fear. Is that what I call it?

How about cowardice?

How about silliness?

How about instinct?

Rob invited me to the movie tonight and I said yes. And then I backed out at the last minute. It's pretty shitty how I do that sometimes - it seems to come in phases, times when I just have no interest in anyone but me. How will I ever have a decent relationship when I'm like that? I guess, like Stacey says, it's who I am and it's okay. That's all.

The movie invite came via email a week ago. I think a large part of the problem was the time that I had available to think about it. I was very attracted to Rob the few times I saw him last fall. But he was not interested. I'm sure he was inviting me as a friend. I could tell by the "whatever" at the end of the email. Well, whatever, then. Whatever. Probably doesn't matter much.

It's more than that causing me trouble tonight. I think it's letting go of the extremes. All or nothing has to stop. It has stopped in almost every area of my world. This one is new for this new me and it's going to take some time. And I'm going to give it some time.

Let it be and let's see, right?

Back to the book then, hey? I've really been wanting to write lately but haven't been able to get my thoughts out on the blog properly. Probably because my fingers move faster than my brain. Anyway, I can always transpose it like I did the green book.

So? What? What is bothering me so? What is it that seems to be gnawing at my soul constantly?

And how do I make it stop?

Fear.

Yep. That's basically it.

Fear of opening up to someone.

Fear of going down old paths.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of not being rejected and actually having to trust someone.

Fear that I can't trust.

Fear of the push and pull hell that seems to be packaged along with any form of romantic relationship I have. Heck, it even comes with the non-romantic relationships where men are concerned.

The viscous circle.

Honestly, at the age of 37, I feel no more confidence in my ability with men than I did at 15.

How sad is that?