"That just sounds like more fruit talk"

Oh, I hurt! Ache. Fell down the stairs today. It was funny - I was in such a good mood this morning and I remember thinking how I always feel like this now. But I can't always feel this good so maybe I just conveniently forget when I don't feel this good. Fell down the stairs and sure enough a little while later the bitch came back. Not really, just the elation was gone.

I didn't HURT myself but I hurt. My body was jarred is all. The irony is I am - what? - three days into my exercise habit. I won't let this stop me - it's just going to have to hurt inside the muscles and outside. I was just lying in bed and feeling so hungry. In the middle of planning a trip to the kitchen I was lying there with my hand on my hip and realized I can't even FEEL my hip bone. It's not there. Kitchen trip cancelled. This morning I weighed 223.9 lbs. I have something that I need to prove (illustrate) here.

"Silence is golden but duct tape is silver"

Well, it's my last night on the road. I'll be at Debra & Andrew's tomorrow evening. Pretty exciting!

The drive has been fun. Took longer than I thought - 7 days instead of 5 - but such is life. Did lots of singing, took lots of pics out the window as I drove by. Didn't get out much, but that's totally in character!

So, what comes next? Find a job. Find a pad. Get working out. Get some friends. The possibilities! Ah, the possibilities!! My favourite!!

"I got nerve!"

Well, I didn't make it far today. Not as far as I intended, anyway. Probably due to the fact that I slept for a whopping 2.5 hours last night after spending about 10 hours packing and cleaning the dungeon. So "shot" doesn't even come close to how I felt all day. Got on the road at 11am and had lunch at 2:30pm but by 5pm I was ready to fall asleep at the wheel. And that would probably be bad.

Good drive, though. Once I left the Fraser Valley traffic was minimal. There was a spot around Hope/Yale where the wind was blowing like crazy, there was leaves all over the road, branches fallen, even rocks fallen from the mountain side. As I drove through there "I Got Nerve" was playing on the cd. I laughed because yes, I do. Am I crazy? Then I saw this guy coming UP hill toward me. On his BICYCLE and I thought no, he's crazy!

"Why don't you make like a tree and leave?"

It's time. The goodbyes have been said, the tears have dried, there's nothing left to do but go. It's been good. I'm ready. Tomorrow I hit the road.

Did I ever mention how everything always comes together? Is that just for me? Do I have some kind of karma? Or is it all attitude?

Everything turns out for the best. The moving company picked up my stuff on Tuesday. I'm taking everything except the stuff in the bedroom. Fabian took that yesterday. The bed went to Kirk & Kathy. I think he kept the desk and dresser for himself. All the stuff coming with me is by the door, apartment is empty and clean. I'm on Stacey's sofa bed, spending one night longer than intended in BC.

This has been an amazing time for me. I have seen *almost* everyone that I wanted to see (not Marg/Ian or Harry/Jane). I spent some time with Sheena, had dinner with Rebecca, went out one night with Julie, Nicola, Stacey and Gayleen, went to dinner with Jacquie & Debbie, lunch with Jim Quinn, one last Bev & Stacey day, made out a bit with Fabian, went to Julie's for dinner and Stacey took me to Red Robin for my birthday yesterday.

I have remembered that strange and wonderful girl who drove into Richmond 13 1/2 years ago. I have been thankful for the part of her that is now gone, and even more thankful for the part of her that remains.

I have revelled in my freedom, enjoyed living solely for me, celebrated my life here and planned what comes next.

The fun part is the stuff you can't plan. I am excited to go. Excited by the possibilities. By the challenge that I face. I'm excited to see what happens next.

"Honey, your odds go up when you file an application"

Had lunch with Julie today. She told me a story about some of her friends and, I have to say, I've never been more impressed with her as a person. Not that I ever doubted her for a minute. I guess I have been confronted with so much hypocracy and been so overly bothered by it that it was almost a relief to know that it isn't everywhere, in everyone. I was starting to wonder if I was just going to have to accept that it's just the way things are. But it's not. We make choices. Those choices are what define us. And I'm proud to call Julie my friend and to know that she is such a good friend to others. Sounds a bit melodramatic, I know, but it's given me hope/faith back.

On a lighter note, Julie is considering joining me for my trip or even for part of it. Don't know if it will work out timing-wise so I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out. My only concern? Can she handle watching "Twilight" on an almost daily basis? ;-)

Starting to get a wee bit tense about hiring a moving company. Time is getting short - I hope I can find someone who can pick up by the end of the month. My computer is still broken and, in this electronic age of no phone books, I've fallen behind. Julie lent me her Yellow Pages so I'll have to get on the horn tomorrow. Want my dang 'puter back! I'm starting to feel disconnected. It's amazing how limited it makes you. Luckily, I have eternal faith that things will work out so I'm not losing sleep over it.

In other news, I ordered some winter tires today. The idea had crossed my mind a time or two but I saw a sign saying winter tires are required on the mountain passes. And, after all, I am moving back to winter!

"Live life abundantly"

Okay, while I'm in list making mode, I thought I'd make one about why. Why am I doing all of this? Complete life over-haul 2008-2009.

Generally, it's about living the life that I want to live, about being the person I want to be. Genuinely. Out loud. This stuff is what I want to do, this is the why. Mainly the getting in shape/eating better side of things. It's not about being chubby anymore. I can live with that, it no longer diminishes who I am. It's about:

* Running * Swimming * Dancing * Climbing * Acrobatics * Clothes * Skating * Comfort * Sexy Undies * Pictures * Hot men * Health * Money * Biking * Energy * Clear skin * Blood circulation * Digestion * Hiking * Skiing * THE OUTSIDE MATCHING THE INSIDE * PROVING THAT I CAN!!

"Manicured nails to set the pedicure off, she's fly effortlessly"

I wanna be fly effortlessly!

Okay, so apparently I've been slacking off. I do love the drama and it's time for the panic to begin. Woot! People to see, things to do. Many things I might have possibly left too late. Ah, life. What will be will be.

List time! TO DO:
- renew driver's licence
- get eyes checked
- boxes (from U-Haul?)
- get computer fixed
- call moving companies
- passport?
- go to dentist
- call lease company
- get car serviced
- get tire fixed
- call ICBC
- call Canada Post re address change
- haircut
- start packing
- plan
- plan
- plan!
- wash car

People I need to say goodbye to:
- Joe
- Sheena
- Jacquie & Debbie
- Ian
- Marg
- Jim
- Gayleen & Chris
- Julie
- Rebecca
- Dycks
- Fabe
- Jane & Harry
- Core Cluster Group
- Lisa

"It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking"

I'm not a big fan of goodbyes. I was thinking on the way home from having Thanksgiving at the Dyck's.

I'm all about the attention. I get a kick out of telling people my plans. I enjoy getting feedback and advice. I love get-togethers and I'm making a point to see everyone in BC who has been a part of my life here. I'm even glad I saw Karl and Jenny back in August. I like to remember, to think about the girl who drove into Richmond 13 years ago. I am awed by the experiences I have had here and the growth has been so difficult and so easy on this ever-curving path of mine. Every place I have been and everyone I have known are a part of me now. That is something that will never change.

Yet I don't like to say goodbye. The tears spring forth, I guess. Must avoid that. Thanks, Mom.

"Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood, and I..." went left

My computer broke/died on Wednesday. I have been oddly enjoying myself ever since so I didn't contact anyone to repair it yet. This is part of the weirdness that is me now, this go-with-the-flow-ness. Personally, I love it but it tends to frustrate everyone else.

This was the time for me to solidify my plans further. But I am not ready yet. Time is steadily passing but I have not totally made up my mind yet. And, as I always say, if the answer isn't yes, it has to be no. Perhaps it would be better to say that I will live with "maybe" until it becomes yes or no. But I do not act on it until then. The maybe right now is the eternal question of stuff or money. Obviously there are some things that I will take no matter what. My "things". My piano, TV, books, movies, artwork, knick-knacks. What I'm unsure about is taking the big stuff knowing how much extra it will cost. At this point I have $25-30,000 credit but that's it. After that is gone, I will not only have nothing left, I will also own nothing and owe $60,000+. As we all know, money is not a huge priority to me and this venture of self discovery can not be monetized. However, there is also the aversion to throwing away money unneccessarily.

So, let's look at it this way. In a perfect world where money was no object, what would I do? Would I bring this sofa, which I hate? Would I - okay, wait. That's not going to help. If money were absolutely no object I would give it all to charity, hop on a plane and get everything new on the other side. Mmm. Yeah. But money is an object, although it is not everything. So let's think this through and put the money aspect on the back burner.

I could pack up everything I own and have it shipped - including the sofa bed and the bed - which I also basically hate. I could pack up all of the things, pay someone $3-4,000 to take it to Ontario for it to sit in storage for a few months at least. Then I would hop in my car and drive there myself with the things that I would need during that time. Keep in mind that the car is a lease which costs $675/mo, which I will need to get serviced and I will need extra insurance and special permission.

On the other hand, I could turn the car in, rent a U-Haul for about $2,000 and take only the things I really want to keep. However, that would entail driving a vehicle that I don't know over the Rocky Mountains by myself. And I would have to buy another vehicle when I get there - a shit box because, with no job, no one will give me a loan. I would also have to get a new bed and couch (and have no spare or sofa bed) when I get my new pad.

Putting aside the money issue, the answer is obvious to me. I love my car, it would be so much nicer and more comfortable to drive that than some crappy rented truck which could cause massive amounts of problems. And, with the exception of a few things, I like my stuff. Getting it shipped and stored until I need it would be a dream.

So, it seems like the decision has been made, doesn't it? Perhaps I am just wasting time. Is that so wrong? Perhaps I am absolutely dreading the thought of packing all this stuff up again. And I have until the end of the month. There is not great reason to leave on the 20th. I think I will sit back and continue to plan, continue to visualize, continue to read and sing and do puzzles to my heart's content. And remember that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. In this situation, the only opinion that matters is mine. And if I'm making a bad call, an error in judgement, I'm totally okay with that. Because every wrong step I take is still a step in the right direction. It's the way I live. And, being this happy, I gotta be doing something right.

"Self Knowledge is Like Lost Innocence"

Today I was watching a special on PBS called something like 'What is the right thing to do'. JusticeHarvard.org. I think it was actually a series of philosophy lectures from Harvard. It was really interesting. He spoke about morals and how we base our decision making on the perceived outcome of a situation sometimes and other times the outcome is based on the morality of the act itself. Very interesting.

I am bothered somewhat by the fact that I have already forgotten the terminology. The second was called categorical decision making, the other escapes me. Hmm.

Anyway, I was reminded of who great my urge to learn has become. I thirst for knowlege. About everything and anything. The problem is, so overwhelmed by choices, ideas and possibilities, I rarely settle for anything. Must work on my focus a bit.

"Shoot for the Moon... Even If You Miss, You'll Land Among the Stars"

This is my account of my journey to the moon. It's not a journey to the stars - the moon or bust, baby! Although my moon might be different than yours.

My life so far, geographically speaking:
Age 0-18 - Wabush, Newfoundland & Labrador
Age 18-24 - Kelligrews/St. John's, Newfoundland & Labrador
Age 24-37 - Richmond/Langley/Surrey, British Columbia
Age 37-?? - Buttfuck, Ontario

Okay, just "somewhere", Ontario. Finding out where is part of the journey.

I currently live in a small basement suite in Surrey (Cloverdale). I moved here in April after I sold my condo in Langley. This place is approximately 500sq ft. That's totally a guess, I know not of such things.

Everything I own in the world:
* Cream coloured sofa bed
* Red ottoman
* Tulip chair x2
* Shag area rug 10x18'
* Bookcase
* TV stand
* 40" JVC Flat screen TV
* DVD player/VCR
* Wii console w/Rock Bank & DDR
* Digital Piano
* Square kitchen table for 4
* 2 red chairs
* Two-door wardrobe
* Red bench
* Queen size bed w/frame & night stand
* 6 drawer dresser
* Desk w/shelves
* Computer
* Stationary bike
* Clothes
* A gazzillion things in storage
* Misc (dishes, etc)

I list these things because I am planning to move to Ontario and I have to decide what to take. Fabian, my former lover and fellow Newfoundlander, things I should sell it all and start from scratch. I disagree, for several reasons, including but not limited to:

1. I like my stuff. I bought it when I had money. I don't have money now, only credit.
2. There are some things which I could not part with, such as my piano, books, DVD's. Too much to fit in my car.
3. Other things would be too expensive to replace, even with a cheaper version.
4. I don't want to start from scratch, I want to continue. I want to evolve. I want to become. I want to land on the moon.

And so, I need to determine what gets packed, shipped and stored for a while on the other side as opposed to what will come with me. As I don't know where, when or how I will end up, this will be somewhat of a tricky endeavour.

Some of the things I NEED to do before I go:
- hire a moving company (after getting quotes)
- determine rules regarding taking my leased vehicle out of the province
- get a ton of boxes
- pack said boxes
- devise a way to safely transport my beloved art work

Because I am very obviously insane, this will be my fourth move in two years. However, the other moves were within 10 minutes of each other. This one is a wee bit further. About 4,400 kms further. A whole new ball of wax.

When I moved to BC 13 years ago, I packed my pillows, security blanket and miniscule wardrobe into my car and hit the road within two weeks of deciding to move. Again, wax, ball, different. Of course, I'm a little different now, too. More mature, more sane, more solid, more grounded, more fat and more wrinkled. More me.