I'm making a choice

I found out a few days ago that my father’s cancer treatment is not working. They have stopped it because it is harming him more than healing him. They gave him 18 months to live 13 months ago. He has been in hospital twice since. It is very possible that my father will die very soon.

But I also found out that there is a new drug that they might be able to give him that could possibly work, except they have to do a very risky procedure - and take him off his heart medications - to see if he even qualifies for it.

So, what are my choices? I can sit here and cry because his cancer is growing or because he might die during that risky procedure. I can cry because there is a very definite possibility that they won’t approve this drug for him.

Or I can sit here with hope in my heart that he will qualify for this new drug and it will prolong his life. I am going to open myself to the possibility that he will be able to walk my sister down the aisle when she gets married in June. I will dream that he might someday meet his unborn grandchildren, that they might get to know him.

I have believed that my father, whom I love dearly, could die any minute for over a year but now there is a possibility - however slight - that he won’t. There is now hope where there was none before.
So, I’m going to look for the good and be grateful for every breath left in his body… because that is the only choice for me.

Happiness. Is. A. Choice.

Don’t doubt it for a second.

Why I followed you back

Okay, you might not have noticed this about me but I think the shit out of everything. I have a reason for every single thing I do and a reason for every single thing I don't do. Do you wonder why I did/didn't follow you back? There is a reason. Trust me.

I'm not on Twitter to get a million followers. I'm not going to lie and say that wouldn't be awesome but it's not my primary motivation. Actually, I laugh and/or roll my eyes every time I see someone post a "dear new followers" bullshit tweet. Dear new followers. I am better than you. It's very important that you should know this and accept your lower station in life. Pftt. Pu-leeze.

More like Dear people who choose to have my shit part of their twitter sewage stream. Get a plunger. *tee hee* That was a little harsh, I agree. But... I don't know... we're all... people, aren't we? Equal in the eyes of our master, Twitter? Ah, but I digress.

I do not have a follow every follower rule. I know that some people do and that's totally cool ~ to each their own. We might just be here for different reasons. I don't tend to like people just because they like me. And I don't expect people to like me just because I like them. Like me for me, baby. On Twitter and in life.

What am I looking for when I click that Follow button? Many different things. What's your reply to tweet ratio? Do I laugh at your tweets? Do your replies make me feel that you are someone I would want to hear more of? Do you sound needy and bitter? Are you reasonably clean - but not too clean - and reasonably positive - but not too positive? Do you tweet a gazillion times a day... or enough to block most everyone else from my stream? And, of course, did you follow/unfollow me more than once?

If you are following me and a few days later you are at the top of my followers list again and a few days after that you are at the top of my followers list again? Chances are slim that I will ever follow you back, my friend. Are you trying to get my attention? Did you think I didn't notice you the last three times? Everyone feels a little twinge when they lose a follower... and you think that I will let you give me that twinge over and over and then follow you back to make you like me? You are obviously trying to increase your numbers but I'm here to feel good and to try to make others feel good. I cannot reward you for making me feel bad. Yeah, you know who you are.

And the absolutely most important consideration when I decide to follow someone? Did you comment/reply/star any of my tweets? Did you stand up and say hey, you're funny or hey, I don't agree? Because, when someone chooses to communicate with me, all of that other stuff just won't matter as much.

Believe it or not, as cold and callous as you might think me to be, I do follow some people just because I don't want to hurt their feelings. There are a few people that I followed because they seemed promising but, to be honest, kind of irritate me now. However, I have communicated with them and will remain what they call "loyal". Like I said, I'm not here to make people feel bad. Although I really find it funny when I am doing the loyal shtick only to find out that they no longer follow me. And that happens all the time - to all of us.

Human interaction can get so complicated, so downright silly. This is not personal - we are 140 characters and an avatar to each other. Will my feelings get hurt if I think I've connected with someone only to have them unfollow me? Absolutely. Without a doubt. But I'm not going to dwell on it - what good would that do? I'll be disappointed for a few minutes - probably even have a passing thought about confronting them to find out why - and then I'll realize that it doesn't matter. I'll read the next person's tweet. I'll laugh. And I'll move on.

It's simple. I follow people who I want to be a part of my stream. And I want to be in the stream of people who want to laugh with me. I can't be honest in the things I say if I am constantly editing to try to please everyone.

My advice to you and to me? Laugh or unfollow. We're cool.

Control

I control my actions because I cannot control the actions of others.

I control the words I speak because I cannot control the words of others.

I control the level of responsibility I take for myself.

Responsibility to be the best person I can be.

Responsibility to live the best life I can live.

Responsibility to be true to myself, even when that means going against everyone else.

I control me because I cannot control you. 

********************************************

Sorry, I'm always like this when I'm stoned.

I preach it when I'm stoned, I live it when I'm not.

My friends and family are very grateful that I left my main source for the gaunja. Not sure why. ;-)

Last Christmas gift doobie, BTW. I must remember to not give him my forwarding address when I move.

The choices we make

Oh, how easy it is to look for the bad in people and deeds. Why do we accept the bad without looking for the good?

We have soul mates and lovers and crushes and colleagues and acquaintances and parents/siblings. No two relationships are the same. Sometimes relationships might cross more than one type; sometimes they evolve from one to the other. But we all like different people different amounts for different reasons and in different ways. There's nothing wrong with that. That's how it should be because that's how it is.

Let's take dating for an example. Have you ever dated someone that liked you more than you liked them? Yes. Have you ever dated someone that you liked more than they liked you? Of course you have.

Have you ever dated someone that liked you more and you didn't *dislike* them but they just weren't your kind of people? Not for any bad reason in particular but just because it didn't feel right or you didn't click? It's natural - it's life!

So, why, when someone unfollows you on Twitter, do you take it so personally? Yes, you can look at it as an insult. You can be offended. You can assume that someone is trying to hurt you. But, nine times out of ten, it's none of those things. Perhaps they didn't realize you cared. Maybe you liked them a little more than they liked you. There is nothing wrong with that.

You *must* like some of your Twitter friends more than others. You HAVE to. You can't possibly follow 600 people and like each and every one of them equally. Heck, you probably don't even like me very much right now.

And I am perfectly okay with that. Because I don't take it personally if you have different opinions than I have. I don't think I'm better than you and I don't think I'm worse than you. I'm simply different than you. And different doesn't have to mean wrong.

Quite frankly, and I'm sure this will offend you, it doesn't really matter what you think of me. I don't know you and you don't know me. We know nothing of each other than a few daily tweets-worth. I don't know how or where you grew up or how you feel about the death penalty or love or the colour of the sky. You are in my daily twitter stream with hundreds of people, as I am in yours. I'd really like for us to be friends but if we're not, I'll be friends with someone else. And I will be happy either way.

Because I choose to be happy.

Let me tell you a little something about me to illustrate my point further: I found out less than an hour ago that my father's cancer treatment is not working. They have stopped it because it is harming him more than healing him. They gave him 18 months to live 13 months ago. He has been in hospital twice since. It is very possible that my father will die very soon.

But I also found out that there is a new drug that they might be able to give him that could possibly work, except they have to do a very risky procedure on him first. This new drug could help him live for 5 years, 10 years - no one knows.

So, how would you advise me to react? I can sit here and cry because one drug isn't working or because he might die during that risky procedure.

Or I can sit here with hope in my heart that this new drug will prolong his life and my father might get to see his my sister get married in June and meet his grandchildren who have yet to be born. And they might get to know him!

I have believed that my father, whom I love dearly, will be dead in *months* for over a year but now there is a possibility that he won't be. How exciting is that????

So, I'm going to look for the good because that's the only choice to me.

I honestly mean no offence to you, and I take no offence. If you unfollow me because you don't like my perspective on Twitter followers and unfollowers, I wish you well and hope that you find people that you do like. Because that's what I will do.

Happiness. Is. A. Choice.

Don't doubt it for a second.

My ship

Oh, how sick am I of talking/thinking/blogging about my weight? And how sick are you of hearing about it?

I have been alive for 13,954 days and I'm sure I have thought I was a big fat slob for about 13,947 of them - at least. That's kinda sad. But realizing that, comprehending that and hating that hasn't changed it.

Something hit me the other day - and I'm not going to say that this time is sure to be different because I have said that far too often only to crash and burn - and I just want to get it out here so I can look at it and remember it.

My brother called me 4 1/2 years ago and told me that I had to buy this book that he'd found called "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking". He was beside himself with the exciting insights that it had provided him and he wanted to share it. I was already quit for a couple of weeks at the time but I was faltering so I gave it a shot; and, less than half way through the book, I knew that I would never smoke again in my life. I smoked for over 20 years - starting at the age of 10 - and had quit over and over and over but one passage in this book changed everything.

My brother preached and preached the lessons he learned from this book. He told every smoker he knew about it. It was so easy! If you read this, you will quit... he guaranteed it! You know who didn't quit? My brother.

I know it frustrated him to no end and he hated himself for it but he just couldn't kick the habit. He even went so far as to fly half way across the country to attend a seminar by the author. When that didn't work, he tried hypnotism. And he just couldn't stop.

As an outsider looking in, I always thought that his biggest problem was his belief that it was going to be easy. I think that, to him, finding out that it's easy to quit meant that at some point it will just happen without effort, without pain. He didn't even have to try. It's just so easy.

But he didn't accept the fact that it would be relatively easy. He couldn't understand that he still had to try, that it would still hurt to give up something that had been with him for 20 years. These things don't just go away. Finding the strength to get through the hard times doesn't mean there isn't going to be hard times.

And the other day I realized that I've been doing pretty much the same thing with my weight. My whole life I knew that I wasn't fat because I ate too much, that there was something wrong inside me that caused my weight problem so much more than simply loving the taste of junk food. I knew - I KNEW - that if I could just figure out what was wrong that the weight would simply drop off.

I have literally spent years figuring out what was wrong inside me. Now I love myself in a way that I never thought possible, I am at peace in my soul, I am happier and less stressed than I have ever been; I am also, at this very moment, heavier than I have ever been.

I think it's because I thought it was supposed to be easy. If the weight problem was brought on by internal factors, it should go away as soon as those factors were no longer present. Simple logic, right? Well, I still believe that.

But I also think that I didn't accept the fact that it would still hurt. I minimized the importance of the habits that I would have to change. Habits that have been with me since my mother started putting me on diets in my infancy.

There has to be some pain. There has to be some sacrifice. There has to be lifestyle changes and different choices. I eat all that I want because I know that someday all of the weight will fall off. Then I revert to beating myself up about being fat. Then I give in to my every whim again. Same cycle. Over and over.

I think it's time to try again. To really try for a change... and to try to not have someone else take responsibility for it. It's been a while since I've done that.

So, I have quit being fat. I quit smoking successfully, it's time for me to quit being fat successfully. Did someone say challenge? Bring it the fuck on, baby! Did someone say donut? Uh... no, thanks...

What's different?

You know what's different? About me. How I've changed but also how I'm different from everyone else.

I'm living backward. I have a plan for where I want to be in 50 years - and a few key stages along the way, of course. And I'm living my life as if I have been there and I'm looking back.

Doesn't that sound weird?

But, consider this... obviously I haven't been there but the things I do, I do on purpose. Because I'm preparing for that day. The day that I'm 88 years old and I'm sitting on my door step and looking back over my life. I know how I want to feel. I know what I want to think. I know what I want to say. And I'm getting there.

I want to look back on my life and know that I did everything I ever wanted to do - within reason, obviously. Not the things that I can't control but the things that I can. I can't control when my dad dies but I can control what I do before he dies. I can control the relationship I have with him, but only my part, obviously. I can say I love you. I'm in total control of that. That is my choice; say it or not say it, I am making a choice at that moment. Whether or not he says I love you back? Not my choice. Not my decision. Not under my control. But you know what is under my control? My hope for the future. Knowing it will be hard having a life without him so I appreciate having a life with him.

Self control. But there's things you can control and there's things that you can't control, Debra says. Exactly. So control the things you can, and recognize that you can't control the rest. That's all. Let it go. Refocus. Or give in to it and let yourself worry about it for a bit.

But you have to be allowed to worry. You can't be with someone who is constantly saying that your feelings aren't valid.

That's what we all do. We are trying to make it better, we say you need to feel this way, you need to feel that way. You're wrong. Your feelings aren't valid. Well, they are. Have them. Just. Have them. Debra? Just have them. But, more importantly? Andrew? Andrew. Let her have them. Just let her get it out without thinking that you need to fix it or help her or make it better. You will make it better by allowing her to voice her concerns.

O.M.G.

Thank you, Ian. I still love you. Just as a friend.

And that's the breakthrough. When I cry and tell Debra that all I want is someone who gets me, I can finally communicate what I mean. I want someone who simply lets me be me. I want someone that doesn't roll their eyes because I like to shovel or go to the dump or help build a wall because that's what amuses me. I want someone who doesn't think I'm weird because I jump up and down when I'm excited. I want someone who lets me be on bottom sometimes, not all the time but sometimes. I want someone who doesn't say mean things because I like to make my numbers on the fucking Sudoku puzzle match the printed numbers. I want someone who doesn't 'like' the fact that I'm fat but he doesn't need me to be skinny either. I want someone who knows that sometimes I need to be alone, and I will also pull back when I think he needs to be alone. I want someone who will check in with me, just in case I'm wrong; and even more so if I'm right. I want someone who knows that sometimes I cry, I just do and I need it. I want someone who doesn't get pissed off at me when I'm a bit too loud or a bit standoffish or if I talk out of turn or if I say too much sometimes. I want someone who knows that I don't want to spend my life with every single person that I am nice to. I want someone who is okay with me remaining friends with my ex's because I can't unlove someone that I love, the love just changes. I want someone who will yell back sometimes. I want someone who understands that I cannot survive without music even if he doesn't like the sound of it. I want someone who will respect me enough to let me know if he won't be able to do something he said he would do. I want someone who will know me enough to know that I don't mind broken promises but I do mind being with someone who is inconsiderate of other people's feelings. I want someone who will think it's totally hilarious that I take the knives/glasses/eggs/whatever out of the rack in order. I want someone who doesn't think I'm trying to pressure him into doing it the way I do. I want someone who will like that I love my work and understand that sometimes I need to stay late. I want someone who is okay with the fact that sometimes I need to give a little bit extra to a friend or family member who needs me. And I want someone who trusts that I will be there for them when they really need me, too. And who trusts that I will look to them when I need a little bit extra myself.

I just want someone who gets me. Someone who thinks it's okay that I want all of this. Who knows that I know I won't get all of this but I need to shoot for the moon anyway. Someone who probably doesn't understand my weird quirks but accepts them. Someone who doesn't always agree with the things I do; and questions me on my choices. And let's me do it my way, anyway, because he understands that I have to take a chance at getting it wrong so I can learn how to get it right. Someone who doesn't always want to spend all of his time with me but he does want me there for some of it. And he sometimes will do what I want even if he doesn't want to, just because he loves me and wants me to be happy. Just because he loves me. And wants me to be happy.

What a concept.

Crawl under a rock

Ohgod, those last couple of posts are nothing short of embarrassing to read. Sometimes I cry when I drink; it's always been that way, probably will continue to be so. Perhaps I need a label to notate drunken posts. Yes, I think I do.

It's so funny/sad, though. I don't hate my life. I do like who I am.

I'm bored with my life right now. So bored. So... unchallenged. This is when I slack off. But this is when I should be standing up and getting on with it. And that's what I will do.

Crying won't fix anything. There's no deep mysteries to solve anymore. I am me now, it's time to move on to the next stage.

Ah, the next stage. What does that entail? Well, at this point, there are a lot of unanswered questions. Where will I work? Where will I live? What will I drive? (I have to turn in my lease in Feb2010) How will I pay for what I will drive? Will I get a dog? A boyfriend? How will I make friends? Will I get two jobs at first and concentrate on paying down some of this debt?

There's a lot of 'wait and see' again. I'm okay with wait and see but I need to stop lazing around and expecting my life to be gifted to me. I want to control who I am and what I do so I need to control where I go and how I get there. It's time to get up now, me. Get up.

I think I like me

Andrew and I had a mini-debate tonight and I realized something about myself - I believe in yes. I look for the good. I like that about me.

With regards to something that I have no idea about and never could know for sure (i.e. the reason for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to adopt all of those children), I am quite comfortable assuming the best. Andrew kept talking about how they "bought" the kids and they are attention whores and blah, blah, blah. And I said that I have no idea why they did it and I will believe that they did it with best intentions for doing good, for helping those less fortunate, for leading the way for other people to do the same. I don't know if that's why they did it. But, unless I learn otherwise, that's what I choose to believe.

It's all about your outlook. You can sit there and shit on someone, you can look for all the bad that's in the world, you can call it "realistic" but it's not. If you wonder why everyone's an asshole, why life sucks, why nothing ever goes your way, perhaps it's time to change your point of view. It is a choice. And I choose the good.

Do it already!

Just read this awesome post:
http://rinich.com/post/295559957/do-it-already

Here's an exerpt:

Remember also that nobody else will see your fears and weaknesses. You see those. Nobody else. They’re going to dwell on the parts of you they love. Excepting the assholes, of course, but don’t worry about the assholes. Nobody else likes them either.
It’s been said before. You’ve heard it before; you’ve heard it so much the words are mashed into a tasteless pulp you try your best to ignore. Stop ignoring. They’re words repeated for their wisdom. You can do whatever you want. The only reason you haven’t is that you’ve chosen not to.
Hurry up!

Horoscope, Interpreted

Sunday, Dec 20th, 2009 -- Your traditional planetary ruler Mars turns retrograde in your 10th House of Career today, indicating that you might face delays as you try to reach the ambitious goals you've set for yourself. You might feel as if you are not making much progress with respect to your professional aspirations. Nevertheless, your imagination is wide open but the ideas and images that bubble into consciousness now may take a while to manifest.

Monday, Dec 21st, 2009 -- You may not be overly thrilled about your plans for the immediate future, yet you are able to balance your hopes and dreams with the reality of your current situation. Even if you are tempted to escalate the fantasy feeding frenzy, don't lose track of where you are now standing and where you want to go. Being connected with the larger picture should make navigation easier in the present moment.

************************************************************************************
So, there's a full time job posting in Kanata. As a receptionist.

A receptionist? Dude, I wanna rule the world! But you gotta start somewhere, right? It's full time to maybe I can get my own place (yes, I do already have the job in my mind... cuz that's how I cont-rol). And it's a foot in the door. And I do have a lot to learn in the industry. They are very pro-medical background out here, much more so than in BC, so it's experience or bust.

I will drive out there and hand in my resume tomorrow - hopefully the job isn't already gone!

Fat? Or just plain stupid?

How hard my heart must be working to get blood through my body. Sitting still for at least 20 minutes and my heart was beating as if I just walked up the stairs or like I was nervous. Yesterday I thought it was odd that my leg fell asleep while I was eating dinner. Last night I was lying in bed reading and my heart started pounding.

What am I doing? Sitting around whining that I don't look good enough? I wonder how I'll look in that casket after my heart attack. Seriously, let's get some priorities in order here. Yes, blah blah blah want to look good in my bride's maid dress at Debra's wedding. Yep, want to wear clothes from a normal people's store. Ya, sick of these rolls everywhere. Whatever. How about heart disease is rampant on both sides of my family? How about...

- how about how sick I am of having this conversation? Just get off my back, me!

- smarten the fuck up and I will. Well, probably not. But smarten the fuck up anyway. You big fuckin baby.

An open letter to my beautiful boyfriend, Rob Pattinson

Hello my darling!

It's good to see you so often lately; I've missed you. I know the other women make you a little weary - they scream at you like they know you, speak to you like you care - but you know that, deep down, I really don't give a shit. Don't get me wrong, you are obviously the hottest man on the planet (that hot-nerd thing you do just fucks me up). But I don't need to know you. Actually, I don't want to know you. You exist in my fantasies and that's exactly where I want you to be.

There is something that I want you to know, though, because I see you out there with the screaming fans and adoring crowds. I want you to know that I fear for you, Rob. I fear for you.

It has happened again and again with young performers who rise to fame too quickly. They fall for the hype and forget why they are here. They develop destructive addictions - perhaps for entertainment or out of sheer boredom at first, but then they need it to cope; then to survive and then to die. They come to believe that they are the gods people try to make them out to be. They learn the hard way that they are merely human and fallible; they get in over their heads and come to need this adoration which has been bestowed on them.

You are living a fantasy life right now and I hope you are enjoying it but you need to keep your eyes open. You need to understand this fame that has exploded on you. You need to be strong in yourself to make it through intact. While these females are completely justified in their adoration of you, you need to understand what a shaky pedestal it is that they have put you on. And, like all things in life - good and bad - this, too, shall pass.

This passing will not be a reflection on you or your talent but a reflection on human nature. It is the way of the world that, as your fame shall rise, it shall also fall. It has to; it is as uncontrollable and as inevitable as the passing of time. And I think that, to some degree, you look forward to the calming of the craze so that you can get on with your career and get on with your life.

The important fact that these fans seem to miss is that this is your job. And it is a very difficult and demanding one. They believe that it is *you* coming into their living rooms and their bedrooms, they believe that they know you but all they know is their perception of you. They only know who they want you to be. And many of them don't seem to be able to grasp that. I hope you have someone in your life who really knows you, who loves you and supports you for who you are. I hope you come from a strong and supportive family. I hope you have friends who allow you to be yourself so that you can hold on to that person. I hope you always remember that this is what you do, not who you are.

Enjoy this fame, Rob. Squeeze every bit of joy and money and adoration and confidence and exposure that you can from it. I know that you have the talent that it takes for longevity and a solid acting career. And I think that you have the gumption to withstand the crap that comes along with it. If you don't, go get it - or run. Whatever you do, know that you make me want to touch myself in a way that no actor ever has. But also know that I haven't had sex in about 18 months so I'm feeling pretty slutty right now. Just, like, FYI or whatever. Tee hee.

I am sending this out into the universe with much love and best wishes for your future happiness - trust me, when you have true happiness, all the rest is just gravy.

Oh, and just one more thing, my sweetheart. Probably not the best time to scratch your ass. I'm just sayin'.

Kisses, Bef xxx