You know, sometimes I think I'm a sad state of a woman, a sorry excuse for a 38 (almost) year old woman. So afraid, so afraid. But the bad part is that I'm not afraid someone won't love me as much as I'm afraid someone will. And the desire to get stoned and numb is potent but it never seems to help much. Okay, it does - it's how I figured out that other crap - but it won't help in this situation.

This is about more than me. It's not good enough for me to have some big epiphany on my own. This involves someone else, too. And that's the hard part. I can only control what I do - and it's really about control, isn't it?

Fear. Is that what I call it?

How about cowardice?

How about silliness?

How about instinct?

Rob invited me to the movie tonight and I said yes. And then I backed out at the last minute. It's pretty shitty how I do that sometimes - it seems to come in phases, times when I just have no interest in anyone but me. How will I ever have a decent relationship when I'm like that? I guess, like Stacey says, it's who I am and it's okay. That's all.

The movie invite came via email a week ago. I think a large part of the problem was the time that I had available to think about it. I was very attracted to Rob the few times I saw him last fall. But he was not interested. I'm sure he was inviting me as a friend. I could tell by the "whatever" at the end of the email. Well, whatever, then. Whatever. Probably doesn't matter much.

It's more than that causing me trouble tonight. I think it's letting go of the extremes. All or nothing has to stop. It has stopped in almost every area of my world. This one is new for this new me and it's going to take some time. And I'm going to give it some time.

Let it be and let's see, right?

Back to the book then, hey? I've really been wanting to write lately but haven't been able to get my thoughts out on the blog properly. Probably because my fingers move faster than my brain. Anyway, I can always transpose it like I did the green book.

So? What? What is bothering me so? What is it that seems to be gnawing at my soul constantly?

And how do I make it stop?

Fear.

Yep. That's basically it.

Fear of opening up to someone.

Fear of going down old paths.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of not being rejected and actually having to trust someone.

Fear that I can't trust.

Fear of the push and pull hell that seems to be packaged along with any form of romantic relationship I have. Heck, it even comes with the non-romantic relationships where men are concerned.

The viscous circle.

Honestly, at the age of 37, I feel no more confidence in my ability with men than I did at 15.

How sad is that?