Quotes

"...we accept the love we think we deserve."
— Stephen Chbosky (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
— e.e. cummings

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."
— Confucius

Sleep already!

This sleep pattern crap is getting out of hand. It's been a couple of weeks now that I've been sleeping for about two hours at night and two to three hours in the day. The only night I slept for more than two hours was the one time that I had something to get up for. I don't understand and I don't know how to make it stop. I've tried staying up, I've tried staying in bed. I exercise every day. I'm not stressed about anything (that I know of). I'm not thinking about anyone (except my dad but that's only been bad for the past few days). I'm eating healthy. I must be missing something. At least my hair isn't falling out, I guess.

Sweet Dreams - Beyoncé

Horoscope

Scorpio
(Oct 23 - Nov 21) You seem to be able to walk a fine line today as you gracefully stand between the old regular routine and the as-of-yet unknown future. Somehow, you can fill in the details in your dreams without anxiously wondering how you can possibly make your ideal fantasies come true. Don't worry about manifesting anything now; just experience your life as it is. You'll be able to enjoy your current freedom more if you aren't responsible for making anything happen right away.

Quotes

We are building a religion

I just got my first #ff on twitter. I'm giggling a little bit at how excited I got... fuckin' high school, dude! The guy was just sending it because I sent one to him but it made me feel all warm and gushy inside. If something makes me feel like that and it's legal? I'll take it. And run...

Comfort Eagle - CAKE

My boyfriend, Rob

I swear, I am like a teenager with this crush on Rob Pattinson. It's just not right for a grown woman to be lusting after some silly movie star like this. Or, at least that's what I'd still think if it wasn't for twitter... these women are insane for this guy, making videos, photo montages, going to the sets of his movies... fan-atics! And they have formed this clique on twitter... just a huge group of "Robsessed" fans.

But fuck! (that kinda reads butt fuck) He is so effin hot!!

And, now that I think of it, the last time I lusted after a celebrity like this was the last time I went without sex for this long (read: virginity). Coincidence? Yeah. Probably.

Aint No Other Man - Christina Aguilera

Problems with recovery

I don't know how else to label what I've been through... it was recovery, I'm better now. The problem with that? All my vices are gone. All of my old coping mechanisms are gone, rendered useless. No more binging, no more promiscuity, no more drinking to the point of blackout, no more smoking, no more pot, no more walls to build around me, not even an innocent thumb sucking. What do I have now? This new compassion for others that makes all these stupid emotions show up at the most inopportune times. This dumb imagination which makes me feel things I never had to feel before. This sense of complete and utter... peace. How boring.

Rehab - Amy Winehouse

Procrastination

TOP 10 REASONS TO STOP PROCRASTINATING:

1.

Tammy? Tammy!

My brother is the most insensitive dick on the planet, I swear. All of these years I have thought that he was just covering up his sensitivity with a tough exterior but now I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole. And. I. Just. Don't. Like. Him. Very. Much.

Closer Together - The Box

Daddykins

My Bobby is in the hospital again... went into the emergency room at 1am yesterday because he had been throwing up blood since Monday. Just because his chemo has been increased because it's not fucking working, he didn't feel the need to go to the hospital sooner. And they did a scope and found a bunch of polyps in his esophagus so we can probably add that to the list of bowel, lungs and liver. What's one more spot, right? And they had to take him off his blood thinners for a couple of days so they can biopsy the polyps - he didn't have the blood thinners for 36 hours last December and he had a stroke which sent him to the hospital which was when they discovered the cancer - so they are pretty concerned that he will stroke out and die while they do the test. Fuck.

Yesterday I was getting myself worked up because I am so afraid to see him when I go to Ontario next week. Today I'm afraid that he won't be able to go. Over here on the other side of the country it's easy to push the whole thing away - most of the time. Except on Father's Day, anniversaries, birthdays, except when people ask why I am moving, except when friends ask how he's doing, except when I see someone dying on tv or hear about someone with cancer anywhere in the world, except when the cancer society sends me an email or has a fund raiser, except when I hear a song that reminds me of him or think of a joke that he said or when I see a hammer or when I am awake or when I am asleep. Except those times I can totally forget about it. Fuck.

I am so afraid for him, so afraid for us... that soon we will have to live without him. Afraid that he won't make it to Debra's wedding in June. Afraid that he will suffer. Afraid that he has regrets. Afraid that I wasn't who he wanted me to be. Afraid that I haven't made him proud. Afraid that he hasn't lived a happy life. Afraid that he's not ready. Afraid that he is.

But there's nothing I can do. I can be there, I can support him and Mom, I can move to Ontario so I will at least be closer to home, I can love him. But there's nothing I can do. I know that death is part of life and I know that I have always wanted my parents to go before any of their children because that's the way it's supposed to be. But in 30 years, damnit. Not now. Not when he hasn't met the children that I haven't even met the father of, let alone conceived or adopted. Not when we haven't made his dream trip to Ireland. Not when... just not now. Just not.

Do you think he knows how much I love him?

Song Sung Blue - Neil Diamond

Zack Ford - Zack's response to my rebuttal

I Blog To Make a Difference
Oct 21 2009
Filed In: Higher Education, Queer Rights, Things to Make You Smile, Zack's Life

I know that, a lot of times, my blog is ZFBlogosquarenot received well. Some might see my bitingly tenacious rationality as occasionally disrespectful, unwelcoming, or not very student-affairsy. Believe it or not, I have student affairs in mind most of the times that I blog (though how I write here and how I would interact with a student would be generally quite different). Student affairs seems to be nothing but supportive about spirituality while ignorant and silent on atheist students and identities, so I try to be the opposite: challenging of spirituality and very open about atheism. I also think for as welcoming a field as we have for LGBT professionals, we are generally weak when it comes to speaking out. Queer equality is a civil rights movement that isn’t over yet, and I worry that those in the field who don’t work with LGBT affairs on a regular basis have a limited appreciation for how important that movement is for our students.

But more than anything, I blog to make a difference. I want to write things that will make people think, and then I hope that they respond so that the dialogue allows us all to grow. As someone willing to go there with challenging issues, I feel I have a responsibility to actually go there. Simply seeing how many hits I have does not help me to understand how people are reacting, but I hope they’re at least thinking about what I offer.

Every once in a while, though, I will receive some feedback that makes it all worthwhile, and today was one of those days.

Last month, I created a small scandal by my playful jab at Rainn Wilson when I decided to stop following him on Twitter. One of the replies I got that I thought was pretty disrespectful was Befralee’s:

Befralee @rainnwilson Maybe if @zackford gets out more he’ll realize he doesn’t have to proclaim gayness like he’s at the first pride parade.

I called it out as homophobic in my blog post, which led to an exchange of a few comments. In Befralee’s follow-up, she spoke of concern for her nephew who was struggling with coming out. She wrote:

By proclaiming in your bio that the very first thing we should know about you is the fact that you are gay, you are inferring that being gay is different. And the message you are sending to my nephew, and to others in the same situation, is that he can’t be normal if he is gay. How is that message helping anyone?

Will and I both responded explaining that we had concerns that she was in fact the one sending the message of “wrong,” as opposed to a message of love and admiration. At the time there was no follow-up response from her… until today.

I encourage you to read Befralee’s full comment as it’s quite heartfelt and touching, but I’ll just post an excerpt here:

Of course I knew there was small minded people making ignorant comments and smart-asses who think their jokes are funny but I did not see the depth of the prejudice and inequality that the LGBT community experiences until communicating with you opened my eyes. And I thank you for that.

Befralee, I thank you for your amazing response. I am utterly delighted by your nephew’s development and confidence and I wish you the best for you and all of your family. (And yes, I totally agree that we should allow people to come out on their own terms, but we can lay a red carpet out for when they do.) Your compassion and support are incredibly meaningful to me and to all of those out there who face discrimination in their everyday lives.

That’s why I blog. That’s why I teach. That’s why I program. That’s why I advocate. That’s why I march. That’s why I’m in the field of student affairs.

We learn so much when we hold each other accountable and engage in real dialogue, and that’s why I write what I write. I blog to make a difference.

Zack Ford - My reply to Zack's rebuttal

Hi Zack:

I want you to know that I think of you, and of this conversation of ours, often. While I am not proud of the comments that started it, I am glad that it started. Twitter in general – and communicating with you in particular – has opened my eyes to a world that I innocently thought we had evolved past.

Contrary to Will’s comments and perception of my stance on this subject, I have never, ever, by any stretch of the imagination, inferred that it is “bad to even say the word gay”. My position was the absolute opposite of that. I didn’t think that anyone really thought that there was anything wrong with being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered anymore.

I never understood how people could impugn or attack someone based on who they were attracted to. I never understood how anyone could be so closed minded as to think that being gay or straight had any bearing on a person’s worth as a human being. It just didn’t make logical sense to me so, I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing that those things still happen. Of course I knew there was small minded people making ignorant comments and smart-asses who think their jokes are funny but I did not see the depth of the prejudice and inequality that the LGBT community experiences until communicating with you opened my eyes. And I thank you for that.

Something I don’t think I ever told you is that my nephew has not officially come out to me or anyone else in our family yet. Also, you don’t know that my nephew lives almost 5,000 miles away from me. I fly him over here for a couple of weeks each summer and spend the whole time trying to erase all of the crap that is fed to him for the other 50 weeks of the year. I think I was beating up on you when I really wanted to beat up on my sister and her fiancée and everyone else who has made him feel that he is anything less than the amazingly wonderful young man that he is. And for that, I truly do apologize to you and to anyone else whom I inadvertently offended.

On a happier note, I had a short visit with my nephew since you and I were first introduced. I was overjoyed by his increased level of confidence and, although I have always encouraged him to evolve at his own pace, we did have what I consider a breakthrough – he finally allowed me to meet his boyfriend. So the closet door is open now… I trust that he will come out when he is ready. (I have always thought that the actual “coming out” is something that should come from him – do you agree?)

We might be getting closer to LGBT equality but I see now that progress is slow and still needs to be championed to a large degree. I see now that you are leading a crusade and that I was wrong to believe that this is a battle which had already been won. I wish you all the best, Zack – and know that I am out here fighting with you.

Zack Ford - Zack's rebuttal

As I suggested in the post, it is important to get to know a person a bit before you make accusations.

For example, if you looked around at all, you realized that one of the purposes of this blog is to address LGBT issues. I highlight my sexual orientation on my twitter account because I hope that it connects them here to my blog. LGBT advocacy is also a big part of the work that I do in Student Affairs in Higher Education.

It’s important to me to be out and proud because I can be out and proud. It’s about courage and nonconformity in an oppressive society. Being gay is different, but it’s awesome. I don’t know where you connect the dots to wrong because that’s not what I do at all. I write this blog so young people like your nephew know there are others out there, they can read about issues related to their identities, and they can feel supported knowing that others are speaking out on their behalf.

The attitude you present does the opposite. While your original tweet to me might not have been intentionally offensive, that really is the only way it can read. Your comment reveals the depth behind your meaning, which allows me to appreciate your intention a bit more, but I have to inform you that your approach is still misguided. It is your shame and your sense of discretion that sends your nephew the message he should hide who he is and perhaps be ashamed of it.

Keep in mind that there is still a lot of legal inequality against LGBT people. We still have a lot of fighting to do. We only make the important point if we are visible and force people to recognize that our society isn’t good enough until we respect difference (instead of, as you seem to, assume that different is wrong).

Whether you are straight or gay, Befralee, is irrelevant to me and to how I interpret your post. I believe you when you say you do not intend to be homophobic, but your actions still have a negative impact on the community, so I encourage you to think about the effects of your words. How would you feel if other people told you that you should “keep to yourself” certain aspects of your identity? THAT IS THE MESSAGE OF SHAME. If you are gay, I would be concerned that you have issues of shame that you direct inward as well, but that would be the only difference.

My thoughts on spirituality reflect another primary aspect of this blog, which is to inform people about atheism and to deconstruct religious privilege, the undeserved respect that subscription to the supernatural has in our society. I suggest you read my recent post on Karen Armstrong (linked above) as well as some of the posts in my “Defining Nonbelief and Atheism” archive to learn more about why I “mocked” spirituality.

Thank you for your comments. I hope you think about what I’ve said. I’m happy to continue this dialogue to help you be a better ally to the LGBT community and support structure for your nephew.

Zack Ford - My reply

First of all, please allow me to apologize. My comment was not intended to “bully” you and I certainly did not mean to hurt your feelings. I am so not anywhere near homophobic… actually that’s kind of why I wrote what I did. It had absolutely nothing to do with some actor who’s show I don’t even watch.

I know it’s really not any of my business what you choose to write about yourself but the things you say do affect others, just as what I wrote affected you. What I was trying to communicate was that, in this day and age, do you really need to highlight GAY all over your stuff as if you were leading a crusade? Isn’t that a bit like me still fighting for the right to vote? Or like a black man fighting for the right to sit at the front of the bus?

Perhaps being gay defines who you are as a person? Perhaps you feel you would be less interesting or enlightened if everyone didn’t know which gender you are attracted to? Do you like me any more or less because you don’t know which gender I prefer? If you knew I was gay and you reread what I said, would you take it differently?

My nephew is currently struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. He’s from a small town where “different” is not acceptable and where being gay is definitely different. At the already difficult age of 17, the only thing in his world that is important right now is trying to fit in, to be normal. The message I keep trying to beat into his head is that he is normal – he’s a good person, he is smart and funny, he is handsome and he deserves to be happy – it doesn’t matter who he is attracted to. But you are practically screaming that it does matter.

Let’s step into his shoes for a moment and see what kind of message you are sending to him, and to others in the same situation:

If DIFFERENT = WRONG
And GAY = DIFFERENT
Then GAY = WRONG
And HE = WRONG

By proclaiming in your bio that the very first thing we should know about you is the fact that you are gay, you are inferring that being gay is different. And the message you are sending to my nephew, and to others in the same situation, is that he can’t be normal if he is gay. How is that message helping anyone?

Can you understand that what you are saying is hitting deeper than if some ignorant asshole on the street called him a fag? That guy would be just some ignorant asshole, but you are actually like him so you must know what you are talking about. And you are telling him that gay is different, and he is telling himself that gay is wrong. So I am telling you that just makes me mad.

And, if I was being a bully to you, what were you being to Rainn Wilson? I stop following lots of people when I don’t like what they are saying but I don’t feel the need to impress my twitter-mates by showing them how I can call out a famous guy to his face (er, his @ replies). And that “Soul Pancake spirituality vibe” that you were trying to mock is very important to a lot of people – just as your sexuality is obviously very important to you.

You might be a self-professed “snarky bloke” but you are also a hypocrite. And when I see hypocrisy, I point it out. I try very, very hard to practise what I preach, sir… do you?

Zack Ford - What Zack wrote

The links in the previous post died and I want to keep this stuff so it's time for a copy and paste:


When Following on Twitter Becomes Fanatic
Sep 23 2009
Filed In: Things to Make You Think, Zack's Life

UPDATE: See the newest, rudest reply at the bottom!

Ha! Wow! This was an interesting little experiment I did not expect to conduct on Twitter.

rainn-wilsonFor a long time, I’ve been following Rainn Wilson on Twitter. You know him as Dwight from The Office, among other things. I thought it was interesting to see what he tweeted, because he was really into it and was a unique character. Lately, though, I found myself rolling my eyes every time he tweeted. I found his tweets uninteresting and not funny. In addition, he often tweets stuff from his other website, Soul Pancake, which has this spiritual let’s-find-deeper-meaning-in-life vibe that I personally find nauseating. (I’m sure Karen Armstrong would love it.)

So, I finally said to myself, “Why subject yourself to all these tweets you don’t care about?” and I unfollowed him. Also, because I’m a snarky bloke (and mostly to mock the Soul Pancake spirituality vibe), I tweeted, “I decided to stop following @rainnwilson and I’ve never felt better about life.”

And then Rainn tweeted:

Zack needs to get out more. RT I decided to stop following @rainnwilson and I’ve never felt better about life. (via @zackford)

And you know what? That’s a fair retort. I still like Rainn as an actor, and I meant no personal offense, and I don’t think he took it that way either. I’m certainly not offended by what he said back. If that was the end, I wouldn’t bother writing a blog post about it.

Rainn has over 1.4 million followers. Some of them are loyal. Many felt a need to reply. I was surprised at how nasty some of them were; while others were funny. A few were just retweets who thought it was funny, but let’s take a look at how some celebrity devotees respond when their idol gets a little diss.

beancroc @zackford Hahahaha. Schooled by Rainn Wilson. Hahahaha.

Well, I don’t exactly feel schooled. Rainn doesn’t even know me.

This one was hilarious:

theJFKshow @rainnwilson Sorry @zackford, and imma let you finish but @riannwilson is the best tweeter OF ALL TIME. Fuck Kanye West.

Too bad about the typo. But a good Kanye parody always works.

Some people though were a bit more vicious:

FluidDarkness @rainnwilson And who the F is @zackford ?

Ycartneerg @rainnwilson Two ideas for Zack: Suck. It. RT I decided to stop following @rainnwilson, never felt better about life (via @zackford)

Befralee @rainnwilson Maybe if @zackford gets out more he’ll realize he doesn’t have to proclaim gayness like he’s at the first pride parade.

dustinbyers @zackford i would have to agree with @rainnwilson you need to get out more why would you stop following him

Yikes! I wonder if Rainn realizes the potential he has to draw out the wrath of some of his followers! In particular, Befralee felt it necessary to make a pretty homophobic remark. I think the past decade has shown that technology has allowed people to be a lot less censored when they write online, whether it’s cyber bullying or just really open sharing in other ways. The fact that these folks have no hesitation when it comes to attacking a person they don’t even know is slightly disturbing.

If Rainn can get that kind of reaction from his followers, it doesn’t bode well for other people. Surely the teabagger and birther movements are evidence of the power of propaganda from talking heads like Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh. This small-scale example is pretty telling of how devoted people can be to celebrities, “role models,” and “idols.”

But hey, some people thought it was funny:

cuppycakee @rainnwilson haha. oh sweet amusement. its probably due to the “controversial” nature of your tweets.. way to stick it to the man, @zackford

batsoup @rainnwilson is a tool, but he makes me laugh RT @zackford I decided to stop following @rainnwilson and I’ve never felt better about life.

nocommayes Decided to take a page from @zackford ’s book and stop following @rainnwilson.

In addition, I’ve picked up five new followers of my own AND an old friend from high school found me through Rainn’s tweet. Welcome folks and hi Kate!

Anyway, none of this is a big deal. I’m not trying to make it a big deal. I think it’s funny, but I also think it’s slightly disturbing. Twitter is a great tool for connecting with others, but its impact isn’t always positive. Food for thought, people…

Kind of like a soul pancake! Oh wait, I don’t believe in souls.

Musings of Zack Ford

WHAT HE WROTE:

Oh, just read his blog and comments... it'll be easier on everyone.

http://zackfordblogs.com/2009/09/23/when-following-on-twitter-becomes-fanatic/#comments

And then:

Befralee@zackford Read your blog post and replied-it's quite lengthy but I had some stuff to say, too.No hard feelings.Live & let live, right?Cheers

zackford@Befralee I already offered my own lengthy reply to yours! ;-)

American Triangle - Elton John

Quotes

Existential crisis guy says: "how am I not myself?" HOW am i not myself? how AM I not myself? how am i NOT myself? how am i not MYSELF?

"What was once my jungle is now my zoo."

"His glory walks hand in hand with his doom" from some movie

"He's smothering me... and not the good your-thigh-is-on-my-face kind of way" from twitter

"Oh, Jeffrey, I've met some boiled men in my time but you are 20 minutes."

"Ray, you can't believe everything you read on the internet - that's how World War 1 started." - PS3 Commercial

Writing??

Well, I'm still trying to write but I'm not very sure that I'm any good at it. I skipped over the beginning and worked on a dirty part - which, quite frankly - wrote itself but, as for the story, it's a struggle. I've never been overabundant on the imagination part. I have been trying to compensate by doing a bit of research on some of the things I want to describe but it ain't flowing right now.

It could also be the fact that I haven't slept properly in about a week and, fed up with my new 5am bed time, I decided to stay up and try to reset my system. My brain isn't really shooting on all cylinders so I guess I should give myself a bit of a break.

Okay, I'll try to entertain myself in another way and come back to this. Kisses.

Excuses - Alanis Morissette

How to feel good sober

Well, I guess the switch is official (reference Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog... final clip when my nephew said "See? His personalities switched"). I wake up every morning - and usually several times during the night - absolutely bursting with ideas of things I want to write, things I want to do, ready to strap on those sneakers and hop on the Turbo Jam party train.

It's hard to imagine the hell I was in at this time two years ago... fucked up on pot and food and the remnants of wayward brain chemistry, hating my world and everyone who had the gall to be in it. The only time I was okay was when I was stoned with a chocolate bar in one hand and a penis in the other. Sober, I longed for the way I felt when I was high... so I decided to figure out if it was possible to feel like that all the time, sans BC green.

The answer is a big resounding yes! Yes, it's possible to feel good and at peace without getting high. Don't get me wrong... it was a long road... a looooooooong road but I made it. The switch became apparent over the past few months when I started hating my thought patterns and actions when I was high... I cut out the pot and... ah, absolute freedom. And it only took about 23 years! But I know it will be with me for the next 23 years and beyond.


Way to go me!

Sober - Pink

Writing

I'm writing! Like, a story kind of writing. Got a bit of an outline and everything! I'm actually elaborating on a dream. This is very exciting; I haven't written in about 20 YEARS!

And I haven't had sex in 15 months so it's porn. (Is it wrong that I'm writing the dirty parts first??)

Strange Disease - Simon and Milo