What's different?

You know what's different? About me. How I've changed but also how I'm different from everyone else.

I'm living backward. I have a plan for where I want to be in 50 years - and a few key stages along the way, of course. And I'm living my life as if I have been there and I'm looking back.

Doesn't that sound weird?

But, consider this... obviously I haven't been there but the things I do, I do on purpose. Because I'm preparing for that day. The day that I'm 88 years old and I'm sitting on my door step and looking back over my life. I know how I want to feel. I know what I want to think. I know what I want to say. And I'm getting there.

I want to look back on my life and know that I did everything I ever wanted to do - within reason, obviously. Not the things that I can't control but the things that I can. I can't control when my dad dies but I can control what I do before he dies. I can control the relationship I have with him, but only my part, obviously. I can say I love you. I'm in total control of that. That is my choice; say it or not say it, I am making a choice at that moment. Whether or not he says I love you back? Not my choice. Not my decision. Not under my control. But you know what is under my control? My hope for the future. Knowing it will be hard having a life without him so I appreciate having a life with him.

Self control. But there's things you can control and there's things that you can't control, Debra says. Exactly. So control the things you can, and recognize that you can't control the rest. That's all. Let it go. Refocus. Or give in to it and let yourself worry about it for a bit.

But you have to be allowed to worry. You can't be with someone who is constantly saying that your feelings aren't valid.

That's what we all do. We are trying to make it better, we say you need to feel this way, you need to feel that way. You're wrong. Your feelings aren't valid. Well, they are. Have them. Just. Have them. Debra? Just have them. But, more importantly? Andrew? Andrew. Let her have them. Just let her get it out without thinking that you need to fix it or help her or make it better. You will make it better by allowing her to voice her concerns.

More

Sorry, I get really reflective when I'm stoned. And I've been re-reading my old blog and it's really interesting. It's just amazing to look back at yourself a year ago. Who you were, what you thought, what was happening in your life. Yeah, I really wish I didn't burn those journals... just like they all said I would. But that's what I needed at that moment. Maybe I don't want to read what that girl had to say, anyway. (*that's a load of shit but it makes me feel a bit better*)

I've done a lot of reading and branching out over this past year. I was remembering writing about that New Years that I wanted to kill my mother? (figuratively, of course) (ish) I don't think that would ever happen now. I'm just not that person. And that's kinda cool.

I forget sometimes and start to wonder if I'm full of shit. Sometimes I'm full of shit. I just don't want to be full of it in the important ways. In the ways that have become such a shining future that I get to work toward now. I like that. And the pot is over, too. It needs to go away. Maybe I'll get Debra to just put it away somewhere and just bring it out on special occassions.

Isn't it funny how I plan how I'm not going to be fat and smoke pot anymore when I'm stoned? I'm also less sure of myself. Interesting. I've been really working on this being myself shit and I think it might be working. Debra and Andrew don't hate me yet. I mean Andrew doesn't love me to death by any means but I'm still here.

I think that I bug people. Kind of like the opposite of things like, for instance, Fabian seeing someone worse off than himself and the fact that it made him feel better about himself. Better. That's always seemed so sad to me. But what if I bug them in the same way, except the opposite. By being liking things that they don't like. By...

But Beverly, what if it's in the same way??? And that means they bother you sometimes, sometimes you love them like crazy and that's totally normal and you love them in spite of or because of these things. Maybe sometimes you irritate them and sometimes they think you're the cat's meow and that's totally normal and it doesn't mean they don't love you?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Different from the old journal, I guess. I'm getting okay with that now. I love living with them, to tell you the truth. I've never loved living with anyone - especially since left home for the first time. I almost just said that it's because they're family but I think it's also because they love me. I love them but they love me, too.

Or maybe they can't stand me and I'm just really stoned. Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm different now. And the reason I quit pot was because I didn't like the way it made me think. My personalities flipped and want to be this me. The old me just doesn't fit anymore. God, that is the most beautiful thing I've ever said. Or I'm just stoned. Whatever. *giggle*

On a roll

It's okay if your opinion is not the same as mine. Actually, I want your opinion to be different than mine. And I want you to tell me yours so I can make a stronger choice.

Part of the reason that I never felt like I fit in anywhere is because you either didn't want me to have an opinion or you needed my opinion to be the same as yours.

I never understood that you couldn't see the big picture. And neither of us understood that I couldn't see past it.

O.M.G.

Thank you, Ian. I still love you. Just as a friend.

And that's the breakthrough. When I cry and tell Debra that all I want is someone who gets me, I can finally communicate what I mean. I want someone who simply lets me be me. I want someone that doesn't roll their eyes because I like to shovel or go to the dump or help build a wall because that's what amuses me. I want someone who doesn't think I'm weird because I jump up and down when I'm excited. I want someone who lets me be on bottom sometimes, not all the time but sometimes. I want someone who doesn't say mean things because I like to make my numbers on the fucking Sudoku puzzle match the printed numbers. I want someone who doesn't 'like' the fact that I'm fat but he doesn't need me to be skinny either. I want someone who knows that sometimes I need to be alone, and I will also pull back when I think he needs to be alone. I want someone who will check in with me, just in case I'm wrong; and even more so if I'm right. I want someone who knows that sometimes I cry, I just do and I need it. I want someone who doesn't get pissed off at me when I'm a bit too loud or a bit standoffish or if I talk out of turn or if I say too much sometimes. I want someone who knows that I don't want to spend my life with every single person that I am nice to. I want someone who is okay with me remaining friends with my ex's because I can't unlove someone that I love, the love just changes. I want someone who will yell back sometimes. I want someone who understands that I cannot survive without music even if he doesn't like the sound of it. I want someone who will respect me enough to let me know if he won't be able to do something he said he would do. I want someone who will know me enough to know that I don't mind broken promises but I do mind being with someone who is inconsiderate of other people's feelings. I want someone who will think it's totally hilarious that I take the knives/glasses/eggs/whatever out of the rack in order. I want someone who doesn't think I'm trying to pressure him into doing it the way I do. I want someone who will like that I love my work and understand that sometimes I need to stay late. I want someone who is okay with the fact that sometimes I need to give a little bit extra to a friend or family member who needs me. And I want someone who trusts that I will be there for them when they really need me, too. And who trusts that I will look to them when I need a little bit extra myself.

I just want someone who gets me. Someone who thinks it's okay that I want all of this. Who knows that I know I won't get all of this but I need to shoot for the moon anyway. Someone who probably doesn't understand my weird quirks but accepts them. Someone who doesn't always agree with the things I do; and questions me on my choices. And let's me do it my way, anyway, because he understands that I have to take a chance at getting it wrong so I can learn how to get it right. Someone who doesn't always want to spend all of his time with me but he does want me there for some of it. And he sometimes will do what I want even if he doesn't want to, just because he loves me and wants me to be happy. Just because he loves me. And wants me to be happy.

What a concept.

I love Ian and Reciprocal stars

Back to counting stars on Twitter. (Obviously that personality test was correct... I have no self control. Fun!) Anyway, I get such a kick out of reciprocal stars that I can barely stand it! It's awesome. To watch these people... how do people survive like this? Because you make me laugh and I give you a star, you think you have to turn around and gratuitously give me two stars back? How will these people ever progress in life? And, I realized in amazement, many of them do. Most of them are probably progressing faster than me!

But are they progressing better? Ha! Ain't no fuckin' way, momma!

Okay, and I have to say this because I know that you are trustworthy and won't tell anyone else - I really dislike someone on Twitter (I can't say her name because someone else might read this and I don't want to hurt her feelings). Someone who's birthday is today, BTW. I don't actually follow her but she follows me. I used to. I just found her irritating so I dumped her. Everyone seems to just love her... of course, I read her @ replies and there are quite a few who feel the same as me. But that's just mean to say it. It won't change anything and it will make me look like a bitch. I guess some people don't care about that but I would never be able to take it back and that would make me feel really bad. (Thank you for that lesson, Dianne Bolton)

Anyway, she's the one who really got the whole star fiasco started. She is the one I was talking about in my post back in November. I'd give her one star and she would star everything I ever said. Drove me crazy! I don't want your fucking stars if you don't read my shit, man. Stop fucking patting me on the head. I want to make you laugh. I want you to genuinely connect with something that I say. Or to feel better about yourself, even. That's why I'm here. That's what this means to me. And you are soiling it.

Is that what people often call my high horse? I love that. Seriously. It will never cease to amaze me how ostracized I am because I like to work, I like to learn, I like to do better. I like to challenge myself, I like to try new things, I like to shovel snow, I like to Sudoku in pen. I like to improve and be better than I was before. I like to do my little part in making the world a better place. How sad that people find that wrong.

That's the very reason I'm so awesome. That's why I know I'm awesome. That's why I think I'm awesome. That's why I believe that I am awesome. I try because that's where I get my self worth and that's why I am succeeding in this thing we call life. Sometimes I suck - I couldn't fucking complete a 1-star puzzle today... beginner level - but I keep trying until I don't suck anymore. Or I get over it with full intentions to go back at it when I can - like learning to play the piano - and I'm not just saying that.Or I realize that it's not for me or that I'm not really enjoying myself and find something that suits me better.

Why is that wrong? Because you are either giving a gazillion stars so that you are gifted a gazillion back or you are standing in the back of the line saying "Oh, well... nice guys finish last so why even bother trying." Nice guys, my ass. Losers finish last because they aren't trying to win. I have absolutely no problem being 5th or 6th or 25th or even 525,677th. As long as I have tried and didn't finish last because all I would do was stand on the sidelines crying foul, I am perfectly fine with where I place. Go ahead, test me on it.

So, absolutely no sarcasm intended, give me reciprocal stars. I will take any star that you want to give me if it makes you feel good. Or don't give me a single one because you don't want to help your competition. Maybe that's what 'trying' means to you. Or maybe standing at the back of the line, whining and making up excuses is what makes you... you. That's okay. Go ahead. Be you. Because I'm gonna be me - no matter how much you complain about it.

Crawl under a rock

Ohgod, those last couple of posts are nothing short of embarrassing to read. Sometimes I cry when I drink; it's always been that way, probably will continue to be so. Perhaps I need a label to notate drunken posts. Yes, I think I do.

It's so funny/sad, though. I don't hate my life. I do like who I am.

I'm bored with my life right now. So bored. So... unchallenged. This is when I slack off. But this is when I should be standing up and getting on with it. And that's what I will do.

Crying won't fix anything. There's no deep mysteries to solve anymore. I am me now, it's time to move on to the next stage.

Ah, the next stage. What does that entail? Well, at this point, there are a lot of unanswered questions. Where will I work? Where will I live? What will I drive? (I have to turn in my lease in Feb2010) How will I pay for what I will drive? Will I get a dog? A boyfriend? How will I make friends? Will I get two jobs at first and concentrate on paying down some of this debt?

There's a lot of 'wait and see' again. I'm okay with wait and see but I need to stop lazing around and expecting my life to be gifted to me. I want to control who I am and what I do so I need to control where I go and how I get there. It's time to get up now, me. Get up.

Ya

And here I am again. Alone. Red faced. Wiping the tears away.

Do you think I like being this person?

Do you think I wouldn't rather being downstairs having fun with everyone else?

Then you are crazy.

I can't stop this. I don't know how to stop this. I fucking hate this but this is who I am. Perhaps that's why I usually hate me. I don't start there but I seem to inevitably end there.

Why? I don't know why.

I don't know why my awesome sister is down there with her fiance and his friend having a good time and I'm up here crying my fucking face off. Do you think this is what I want? Do you think this is how I think it should be?

Do you think this is why I'm alone? Yeah, me too. But I still don't get it. I still don't understand it. I still don't fucking understand it. Do you think I like to be different? To be weird? To be wrong? I don't. I promise you, I don't.

I just don't know how to stop it.

Fuck off

Seriously, I am so fed up with expecting and hoping for more that I wonder why I bother. And then I'm embarrassed because I actually have this fucking romantic side of me. I don't think I'll ever understand how people don't see the layers.

And now I can't go downstairs because my eyes are red from crying. Awesome.

I think I like me

Andrew and I had a mini-debate tonight and I realized something about myself - I believe in yes. I look for the good. I like that about me.

With regards to something that I have no idea about and never could know for sure (i.e. the reason for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to adopt all of those children), I am quite comfortable assuming the best. Andrew kept talking about how they "bought" the kids and they are attention whores and blah, blah, blah. And I said that I have no idea why they did it and I will believe that they did it with best intentions for doing good, for helping those less fortunate, for leading the way for other people to do the same. I don't know if that's why they did it. But, unless I learn otherwise, that's what I choose to believe.

It's all about your outlook. You can sit there and shit on someone, you can look for all the bad that's in the world, you can call it "realistic" but it's not. If you wonder why everyone's an asshole, why life sucks, why nothing ever goes your way, perhaps it's time to change your point of view. It is a choice. And I choose the good.

Horoscope, Interpreted

Wednesday, Dec 23rd, 2009 -- Your creative process is anything but normal now. Your usual ways of expressing yourself don't bring the desired results. A lack of productivity might trigger feelings of frustration or angst, which just adds to your malaise. Instead of doing things the same way as before, try a radical new approach. Keep in mind that it's not business-as-usual any longer, so thinking outside of the box is essential today.

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And here I am, on Blogger. Drunk. On Blogger. Lacking productivity. Feeling angst and frustration. Is this out of the box? Oh, fella... there is no box...

Do it already!

Just read this awesome post:
http://rinich.com/post/295559957/do-it-already

Here's an exerpt:

Remember also that nobody else will see your fears and weaknesses. You see those. Nobody else. They’re going to dwell on the parts of you they love. Excepting the assholes, of course, but don’t worry about the assholes. Nobody else likes them either.
It’s been said before. You’ve heard it before; you’ve heard it so much the words are mashed into a tasteless pulp you try your best to ignore. Stop ignoring. They’re words repeated for their wisdom. You can do whatever you want. The only reason you haven’t is that you’ve chosen not to.
Hurry up!

Yeah, I'm totally smart!

Horoscope, Interpreted

Sunday, Dec 20th, 2009 -- Your traditional planetary ruler Mars turns retrograde in your 10th House of Career today, indicating that you might face delays as you try to reach the ambitious goals you've set for yourself. You might feel as if you are not making much progress with respect to your professional aspirations. Nevertheless, your imagination is wide open but the ideas and images that bubble into consciousness now may take a while to manifest.

Monday, Dec 21st, 2009 -- You may not be overly thrilled about your plans for the immediate future, yet you are able to balance your hopes and dreams with the reality of your current situation. Even if you are tempted to escalate the fantasy feeding frenzy, don't lose track of where you are now standing and where you want to go. Being connected with the larger picture should make navigation easier in the present moment.

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So, there's a full time job posting in Kanata. As a receptionist.

A receptionist? Dude, I wanna rule the world! But you gotta start somewhere, right? It's full time to maybe I can get my own place (yes, I do already have the job in my mind... cuz that's how I cont-rol). And it's a foot in the door. And I do have a lot to learn in the industry. They are very pro-medical background out here, much more so than in BC, so it's experience or bust.

I will drive out there and hand in my resume tomorrow - hopefully the job isn't already gone!

@Beviekins vs @Befralee

I find it very interesting how different my Twitter experience has been this time around. Without keeping track of how many stars I receive (I see stars on individual tweets but not grand total, I can see both on other people's profiles), I find myself in a much happier place. A much kinder place.

Here's what's different:
1. I use ! way, way more often
2. In two weeks I have given more than twice as many stars as I did the whole time I had the other account! That means I'm laughing more and competing less
3. I tweet for me, without worrying about pleasing the "cool kids"
4. I am following twice as many people as are following me. Before I constantly watched the ratio and when my followers list was bigger than my following list, I made sure it stayed that way
5. Same thing for stars. I hardly get any stars now in comparison. Of course, since the uprising, less stars are being given in general but the number is still less. But I like the things I say now, last time not so much.

Why I can't keep my big mouth shut

I've been thinking a lot about opinions and being "opinionated" the past couple of days. I figured out a while ago why people think I am opinionated. It's because I voice an opinion. But I just realized that not everyone else does.

WTF? It doesn't mean I think I'm right about everything. It doesn't mean that I think the other person is wrong. I'm just saying this is what I think. It never really crossed my mind that everyone doesn't do this so if the person I was speaking with didn't voice their opinion, I assumed they agreed or they couldn't care less. Either way, whatever. It's an opinion.

I spent Wednesday running errands with Andrew. I think we've been getting along pretty good since I moved here - better than I expected - but I can see that I am wearing on him sometimes. And he is wearing on me most times. Why? Consider this:

We went to the video store. The last time we were there, the clerk told him about this new deal that can save him money. He said okay and everything seemed good. We get out to the Jeep and he starts bitching and complaining about it (what he was bitching and complaining about is another story entirely because ???? seriously?? anyways...). This time at the video store, the clerk spoke again about the deal. Andrew is nodding and being polite but I knew that he had questions he wasn't voicing. So I asked the question for him. And the clerk answered the question and, as far as I was concerned, the matter was cleared up. And we left. After he starts his bitching spiel and says something like "I can tell you thought they were full of shit, too." Huh? Because I asked a question? Asking a question is being mouthy or something in your world? What the fuck?

When something pisses people off, why can't they just question it? Chances are pretty great that what is bothering you was caused by some kind of miscommunication. Or whatever. You can stay pissed off. But not speaking to the people involved and spending the next fucking hour complaining about it to everyone else isn't helping too much, is it?

Why am I happy in my life? Because if something is bothering me, I speak to the parties involved and straighten things out. HOW IS THAT NOT NORMAL? How is that opinionated or difficult?

I don't understand people? How can someone as smart as Andrew be such a fucking idiot????

Horoscope, Interpreted

Tuesday, Dec 15th, 2009 -- Your belief in yourself can make all the difference in the world today, for your mind is the architect of your future. Your ruling planet Mars, powerfully placed in your 10th House of Career, is engaged in an aspect of manifestation with logical Mercury. The power of positive thinking is greatly magnified now; if you can express your goals in words, you will increase your chances for success.


**********************************************************************

I'm, like, really drunk and tired right now so I can't interpret much other than my belief in myself is at an alltime high and my mind is the architect of a snowman. Er. The power of positive thinking has been greatly magnified by the wine and beer. Can't express. Any. Thin. G. Expeshly not goals. I don't even play hockey. xxx

Horoscope, Interpreted

Wednesday, Dec 9th, 2009 -- You may act as if you are okay with whatever happens now, but the truth is that your ambivalence is pulling you strongly in two different directions and you don't want to let go of either choice. Unfortunately, you won't be able to continue living under the illusion that you can follow divergent paths because you are at a fork in the road and you must make a final decision before moving on. Trust that you will get it right.

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So, what's the priority?

Continue working toward a career that I love and move at least an hour away from my sister? *or* just get a job close by and rent an apartment here?

What I want most in the world right now - as astounding as it might be to the old me - is a sense of community. I realized that when I was working with the seniors because I really felt like I was a part of something bigger than myself for the first time in a long time. That's what drove me to come here, I'm pretty sure.

I am so torn between here and there.

There because of the things I can do such as better shopping, better movie theatres, better chance of finding a fella, better resources. I have the potential to make more money there and I have a shit load of debt on my plate right now.

But sister is here and how cool would it be to live that close and be able to go to a movie sometimes or go for a walk or just see each other without having plan it out. Here I might have a better chance of being part of the community. I'm already wondering if there is a community theatre I could join or some other group to get involved in.


You know what? Work there and live in between somewhere. It's not like I'll see her daily and there is close enough to get together often. She will be with the BIL most of the time, anyway, but when one of us needs the other we will be there.

Yeah, I think that's right. Okay. Thanks, me. ;-)

Fat? Or just plain stupid?

How hard my heart must be working to get blood through my body. Sitting still for at least 20 minutes and my heart was beating as if I just walked up the stairs or like I was nervous. Yesterday I thought it was odd that my leg fell asleep while I was eating dinner. Last night I was lying in bed reading and my heart started pounding.

What am I doing? Sitting around whining that I don't look good enough? I wonder how I'll look in that casket after my heart attack. Seriously, let's get some priorities in order here. Yes, blah blah blah want to look good in my bride's maid dress at Debra's wedding. Yep, want to wear clothes from a normal people's store. Ya, sick of these rolls everywhere. Whatever. How about heart disease is rampant on both sides of my family? How about...

- how about how sick I am of having this conversation? Just get off my back, me!

- smarten the fuck up and I will. Well, probably not. But smarten the fuck up anyway. You big fuckin baby.

I can have my cake and tweet it, too

After the terrible day I had last week, I decided it was time to turn off the Twitter. I cancelled my @Befralee account on kind of a whim moments before I went away for the weekend. I said I was sick of all the drama but it was the drama it was causing in my head more so than the drama of the in-fighting between a few tweerdos (although that was getting pretty annoying, too).

Truth is, I had my head in the stars. And I didn't want it to be about that. I loved favstar because it was  feedback. It was knowing that someone out there was laughing at my stupid ass shit. But I couldn't stop looking at the total. I wrote that post about my problems with Twitter but didn't link it to my Twitter account right away. Why? Because that evening, someone picked something I said as 'tweet of the day' and I got a shit load of new stars and followers. And my numbers went up and up. And I liked it.

But I stopped feeling like it was "me". I started writing my tweets to get stars, it became about the numbers. And I was complaining so much that I started to feel like a total bitch. And I was stuck in front of this fucking computer 24/7. And the harder I tried, the fewer stars I got. So I tried even harder. And the fun died.

So I released myself and I quit. I walked away. It seems almost silly but yesterday I started @Beviekins and all is okay in the world. Because I'm myself again. Because I can look at favstar to get the feedback but I won't see the totals because I don't follow them. Because I don't care about the numbers anymore. Because I will write my tweets based on what I want to say again, not based on what I think people want to hear. Because I am free and doing other things away from the computer. Because now I can have my cake - and tweet it, too!

Ironying

I was kind of nervous putting the link to The Problem with Twitter on my Twitter page a little while ago. Even more so that I opened up this blog to that world. But I'm pretty sure no one read it anyway so whatevs.

Can this day be over now? Please?

When you get down to the nitty gritty

I am seriously lonely today. Just lonely and alone. I'm going to spend the weekend at Sue's so I know by tomorrow morning everything will be okay but right now it's just not.

OMG WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! has been spinning around in my mind quite a bit, too. What if I can't find a job? What if there is no life for me here - not the one I want, I mean? I have a few months of credit left and then I am seriously fucked. And all of the jobs that I look at seem to max out at $30,000. I took in over $100,000 from LUC the last year I worked there. And I quit. Because I "wasn't happy". Are you happy now, baby?

Overall, yes, I suppose. Not today. So not today. I'm happy about what might come, about what I hope will happen but, no, I can't say that I'm really happy where I am right now. Not even mentally today.

I go from Twitter to Facebook to Plenty of Fish to the job ads and it's like rejection, rejection, rejection. Rejection. Nope. No thanks. You aren't what we are looking for today. Probably won't be looking for you tomorrow either.

I really need to get my shit together and go find a job. First and foremost, I think that is important.

I'm back on Sunday. Monday it's gung ho, man. It has to be.

And today...

...I just wish I had some more chips.

Model of me

And then I see this picture of a beautiful woman with an amazing body and I want that. I want that. But she didn't start where I am. But there are people who started where I am - bigger, way bigger - that do get that.

But let's stop and do some math here, Bevie.

Chips: 50g (36 chips) = 280 calories, 18g fat
The whole bag: 320g = 1,792 calories, 115.2g fat
Plus the dip - don't forget the dip! = 319 calories, 17.7g fat
And there was chocolate, too = 480 calories, 36g fat
So far, we are at 2,591 calories, 169g fat
Shall we continue and add in the KFC?
Seriously?

You don't have to be this girl:

but you could be this girl:

or even this girl:

but if you eat like that, you will be this girl:

There is a middle ground, is all I'm saying.

Quick rule of thumb, if you are fumbling to hide the food when someone comes home? Probably too much food. There is a reason that you won't eat it if someone else is watching, isn't there?

Or, you know what? Strike that. Eat it. Hide it. Do whatever it is you want to do.

The girl in the blue has just as much of a right to be happy as the girl in the green. But the moron in the white? She was happy. She. Was. Happy.

So recognize that you are making a choice.

And, whatever that choice may be, please make a choice to be happy.