OTTAWA AIRPORT, GATE 20. It probably wasn't the best idea to have a dream about a plane crash yesterday. It was quite vivid. Also, probably not a good idea that I keep thinking about it!

So, what else is new, as my daddykins would say! Obviously on the way back to Vancouver. I have a lot of packing and good byes to get through. Not quite sure about timing at this point. I applied for an A/P spot at Calabogie Peaks Resort. They seem somewhat interested so far - guess we'll have to see. Probably not the best time to be applying for jobs as I can't go on interviews but that one came up and it would be pretty cool to work there, I think. Go skiing after work!

Ideally - best possible scenario at the moment - I could stay in Renfrew and rent Neil's apartment where Debra and Andrew are now, work at Calabogie, get a dog (a rottie named Gerber???), keep my car, ship my stuff and drive out early October/late September.

The house warming party is the 3rd of October. Cathy and John arrive first, Pat and Bob a few days later. Hopefully no Calvin and no David. Especially Calvin, although I'll just have to suck it up if it comes to that. Tom will probably be there for the weekend.

It would be weird to have the whole family together and not be a part of it. In a funny way, I would be totally okay with it. Of course, that's easy to say right now.

Plane boards in a few minutes, going to Toronto quickly first. Looking forward to getting home and blowing up a fat one - terrible habit which I will leave behind when I move. But just for now, right? Just a while longer.

Debra has been doing Turbo Jam almost daily for a year now. She looks awesome, lost about 30 pounds. No gym, no special diet, no counting calories or hating herself. Although she started on a whole different planet than me - about 50-70 pounds overweight with life long food, commitment and body issues coming out the ying-yang. Hmmm. Times, they are a changing, Bevie. I feel it. In my skin I am residing. Now to start living - sorry, to continue living - as the me I always wanted to be. Sure could do without this guy, though. Hmmm.

Commitment, hey? It occurred to me that I have never really committed myself to anything. I always come first, always. That can't be right, can it?