You know who you are

Dear You:

Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I know it might not seem like it but I really am okay, I have it together... it just gets stuck sometimes.

It is true: I have felt like an outsider my whole life and continue to feel that way most of the time but I have come to terms with it and, for the most part, I like it now. I like being different. I like that I will stay true to myself, even in the face of the pressure to do otherwise. I like that I won't say mean things just to go with the crowd. I like being strong in my convictions. I like it almost all of the time.

I know that, as I go forward with my life as I am right now, some of those old feelings of when I didn't like being different will come to the surface. Kind of like the whole microwave story: there were things that I believed to be true my whole life that I won't know are false until they start a fire. Apparently literally and figuratively. My initial experience with Twitter started it's own fire (did you know this is my second account?); the other day Tumbr did the same thing but to a lesser degree.

What I have learned from my time underground is that those bad feelings need to be dealt with right away. Until a few years ago, I kept them bottled up and they exploded to the surface in mass quantities. (Warning: clicking on that link will bring you to my old blog/journal from 2003-9... and it ain't pretty.) But exploding wasn't healthy for me or for anyone around me. Then, once I learned to stop the explosions and remain in control at all times, it turned out to be worse. My hair started falling out, I vomited almost daily, I even stopped having my period!

Now I know that when these bad feelings hit me, I need to say them out loud (okay, write them in my blog... same same) so I can look at them objectively and decide whether they are valid or just old scars that I forgot I had. That's what this blog/journal is about. I come here to say anything that I want to say. Then I can analyze it or kind of hear it with my new voice (hence, "The Friend Inside My Head" title). It's just me trying to purge the old bad stuff and move forward with the good stuff.

Does that make sense at all?