How da smoke done me wrong

I'm never smoking pot again!!!! Relatively speaking, of course. Let's not be hasty here.

But I think it just altered my whole life course tonight and it's freaking me out!

Fuck. Move home? Omigod, seriously? To Newfoundland? Live with my parents? Seriously, me? Do I not like me? And I think what's bothering me most is that I know it feels right... it feels like a continuation of the path I was already on. Fuck.

How did I not see this coming? I basically told Debra long before I knew. Brandon, too, actually. Everything just lined up so perfectly. It's just so obvious now. I didn't settle here at all. I didn't change an address or look for a job or get my insurance switched. Fuckin' full circle, bitches?

Stacey was saying "why not? Go!"
Fuck.
Yeah, I could see myself living there.
Fuck.
I can see it.

* But there's still no jobs. No jobs a year ago, no jobs now. And the pay. Ick.

* It's not about the money. I wouldn't need the money. This is more important than money. This is me. Being true to me. I can be good being me.

* Would it break you? Could they break you? The wise cracks. The blaming. The tsk-huhhhh shit that they do. You know, the sigh of exasperation that you have to give whenever someone asks you to do something. The "I am going out of my way for you right now and you are going to know it" sigh of pain and discomfort.

I grew up thinking that -

* Whatever. That was then, this is now. So they behave like asses? It doesn't mean you have to. You know that. And, if you can't handle it in the house, you move down the street or five minutes away or an hour away. You need this time with your father.

*Honestly, I don't think I would regret not going back. You know, I think Mom was the one who took that off my shoulders, even though I think she wanted me there.

And what if they don't want me there? I am rather irritating. I get on their...

* Omifuckingod. That's just the way they are. I point it out sometimes because I want them to see what they are saying but that's just the way they are. Tsk-huhhhh is just the way they are.

* Okay, maybe they would want me around. Can I live with "the way they are"? Yes. Yes, I think I could. I'm sure it would get exasperating sometimes but it's not like I would be stuck there. I would get a job and friends and a boyfriend and a life. I COULD GET A DOG!!!

I could get a dog.

* See? Who can argue with that? Now stop thinking/eating/getting fat all the time and smarten up. *smack up back of the head*  (see how I slipped that in there? Huh? I'm pretty smooth.)

* That doesn't mean I'm decided. I have to see it. I actually can't not see it any more. That's the problem.

And, fuck off. *grins*

* But it wouldn't be like before. It couldn't be like before. I'm not like before.

I will still do the things that I do. Living at home would probably encourage me to get out more. Wow, I can't imagine living with a support system like that again. Just being here with Debra has been amazing.

* And that's the biggest problem right now. Leave my little sister?

Yeah, I could come back some day. But what are the chances that I would? Especially if I started a relationship and started fostering...

* Honestly, I think she might be doing better without me right now. I don't want to tell her what to do or influence her life unless she is asking for my advice. She has to make her mistakes and decisions right now. It would be different to live with Mom and Dad, they are settled. Debra and Andrew are just starting out. I want to be there for her if she needs me but as an outside observer. It was good to see her this way and to spend this time with her but I think she will be better off without me in that way. I keep telling her that about Stacey, though. Perhaps stick to the Mom and Dad are the one's who need me right now. They are. And the cat isn't in the cradle. I will not do onto others as they do to me. And I just need to be with them right now, too.