Horoscope, Interpreted!

"Tuesday, Nov 17th, 2009 -- You are standing at a fork in the road and you must choose whether to take the difficult route or the easy one. On the surface, it seems like a straightforward decision, but the path before you is a winding one, obscuring your vision. No matter where you want to go now, you'll have a better chance of reaching your destination if you stick to the map. Ultimately, it's not about picking your level of difficulty; it's about simplifying your life."

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It was a bad day. Such is the journey. I was so ready to move out of Debra & Andrew's place. After one week... Well, closer to two. I read this horoscope and when it said to choose to take the difficult route or the easy one, I thought the difficult route would be to find a place of my own. I think I was wrong. I think the difficult route for me right now is to stay. To stick to the map.

I'm not good at living with people but it's not because they get in my way and crowd me. It's because I feel like I am in their way. I know I've still got a lot of growing to do, I know that there are still ghosts in there waiting for their turn to haunt me. But the difference is: the voice inside my head is now my best friend. That crazy bitch whore that made my life a living hell is now the most supportive person I know. It makes sense, though. We have to adapt to our circumstances - no one has ever "got" me, so I had to find a way to take care of it myself. It certainly takes a lot of pressure off my friend's backs.

This is how my head works:

A conversation with myself

- you have to stop making life decisions when you are having a bad day

- yeah but nobody loves me and I'm garbage. Look at me, sitting in the spare bedroom at my little sisters house, crying my eyes out because she didn't come up to talk to me when she came home. Visions of mom, much?

- you make it sound so simple but it's not. Yes, it's a bad day. You're tired and feeling under the weather and your emotions are...

- I'm pretty sure I'm faking the illness, like always

- you sat at home all day long and faked having a headache? So that pain around your eyes and forehead, that has your head in a vice is a figment of your imagination?

- no but I am exaggerating it

- for sympathy?

- more to set up my "not feeling well" story to get out of going to Andrea's party this weekend

- why?

- because I want to be alone

- you aren't alone enough???

- it's very difficult for me to live in someone else's home. I feel out of place and unwanted and in the way and a burden

- do they feel that way?

- probably. They would if they saw me right now

- do you not think that they love you and want to help you?

- I think that they love and want to help me in theory but the practise has become another story

- are those feelings coming from them? Or are they coming from you?

-

- do you hear them downstairs, laughing and joking around? Do you feel that you
would not be welcome

- yeah, sort of. I would be welcome if I was visiting but not so much if I was staying

- let's get back to that party... you are exaggerating feeling ill to get out of going to a party, correct? Why? Not why don't you want to go but why do you feel you have to fake sick?

- because I don't want to tell them why. Because I don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel

- how do you feel?

- I think we just did this part. Out of place, a burden.

- but why? how?

- there are so many rules. I don't like rules. I don't like constantly having to worry about stepping on someone's toes, doing something wrong. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong anyway so when there are so many restrictions it just stresses me out. If they go for the weekend and I stay, I will have a couple of days to just be without worrying what is expected of me

- what rules?

- about the laundry. About where to put my furniture. About eating too much. About doing something wrong. About using the internet too much. About saying something inappropriate. And I don't want to talk to her about it because then I will only be passing the burden onto her.

- this might be the problem.

- Cathy hated me when I lived with her. Tom hated me when I tried to be his friend. I drive my parents up the wall when I stay with them. What's going to make it different with her? I don't want to cause strife with her and Andrew. I know how it is for her because it was the same for me when I lived with Karl.

- that's your experience, not hers. That's enough for right now. Just you chill. Sit back, read your book and chill. Stop worrying that everyone isn't going to like you enough, stop worrying that you are doing it wrong. Yes, children learn what they live but adults get to choose what they will live. What will you live, Beverly? This is a choice.