O.M.G.

Thank you, Ian. I still love you. Just as a friend.

And that's the breakthrough. When I cry and tell Debra that all I want is someone who gets me, I can finally communicate what I mean. I want someone who simply lets me be me. I want someone that doesn't roll their eyes because I like to shovel or go to the dump or help build a wall because that's what amuses me. I want someone who doesn't think I'm weird because I jump up and down when I'm excited. I want someone who lets me be on bottom sometimes, not all the time but sometimes. I want someone who doesn't say mean things because I like to make my numbers on the fucking Sudoku puzzle match the printed numbers. I want someone who doesn't 'like' the fact that I'm fat but he doesn't need me to be skinny either. I want someone who knows that sometimes I need to be alone, and I will also pull back when I think he needs to be alone. I want someone who will check in with me, just in case I'm wrong; and even more so if I'm right. I want someone who knows that sometimes I cry, I just do and I need it. I want someone who doesn't get pissed off at me when I'm a bit too loud or a bit standoffish or if I talk out of turn or if I say too much sometimes. I want someone who knows that I don't want to spend my life with every single person that I am nice to. I want someone who is okay with me remaining friends with my ex's because I can't unlove someone that I love, the love just changes. I want someone who will yell back sometimes. I want someone who understands that I cannot survive without music even if he doesn't like the sound of it. I want someone who will respect me enough to let me know if he won't be able to do something he said he would do. I want someone who will know me enough to know that I don't mind broken promises but I do mind being with someone who is inconsiderate of other people's feelings. I want someone who will think it's totally hilarious that I take the knives/glasses/eggs/whatever out of the rack in order. I want someone who doesn't think I'm trying to pressure him into doing it the way I do. I want someone who will like that I love my work and understand that sometimes I need to stay late. I want someone who is okay with the fact that sometimes I need to give a little bit extra to a friend or family member who needs me. And I want someone who trusts that I will be there for them when they really need me, too. And who trusts that I will look to them when I need a little bit extra myself.

I just want someone who gets me. Someone who thinks it's okay that I want all of this. Who knows that I know I won't get all of this but I need to shoot for the moon anyway. Someone who probably doesn't understand my weird quirks but accepts them. Someone who doesn't always agree with the things I do; and questions me on my choices. And let's me do it my way, anyway, because he understands that I have to take a chance at getting it wrong so I can learn how to get it right. Someone who doesn't always want to spend all of his time with me but he does want me there for some of it. And he sometimes will do what I want even if he doesn't want to, just because he loves me and wants me to be happy. Just because he loves me. And wants me to be happy.

What a concept.