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Sorry, I get really reflective when I'm stoned. And I've been re-reading my old blog and it's really interesting. It's just amazing to look back at yourself a year ago. Who you were, what you thought, what was happening in your life. Yeah, I really wish I didn't burn those journals... just like they all said I would. But that's what I needed at that moment. Maybe I don't want to read what that girl had to say, anyway. (*that's a load of shit but it makes me feel a bit better*)

I've done a lot of reading and branching out over this past year. I was remembering writing about that New Years that I wanted to kill my mother? (figuratively, of course) (ish) I don't think that would ever happen now. I'm just not that person. And that's kinda cool.

I forget sometimes and start to wonder if I'm full of shit. Sometimes I'm full of shit. I just don't want to be full of it in the important ways. In the ways that have become such a shining future that I get to work toward now. I like that. And the pot is over, too. It needs to go away. Maybe I'll get Debra to just put it away somewhere and just bring it out on special occassions.

Isn't it funny how I plan how I'm not going to be fat and smoke pot anymore when I'm stoned? I'm also less sure of myself. Interesting. I've been really working on this being myself shit and I think it might be working. Debra and Andrew don't hate me yet. I mean Andrew doesn't love me to death by any means but I'm still here.

I think that I bug people. Kind of like the opposite of things like, for instance, Fabian seeing someone worse off than himself and the fact that it made him feel better about himself. Better. That's always seemed so sad to me. But what if I bug them in the same way, except the opposite. By being liking things that they don't like. By...

But Beverly, what if it's in the same way??? And that means they bother you sometimes, sometimes you love them like crazy and that's totally normal and you love them in spite of or because of these things. Maybe sometimes you irritate them and sometimes they think you're the cat's meow and that's totally normal and it doesn't mean they don't love you?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Different from the old journal, I guess. I'm getting okay with that now. I love living with them, to tell you the truth. I've never loved living with anyone - especially since left home for the first time. I almost just said that it's because they're family but I think it's also because they love me. I love them but they love me, too.

Or maybe they can't stand me and I'm just really stoned. Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm different now. And the reason I quit pot was because I didn't like the way it made me think. My personalities flipped and want to be this me. The old me just doesn't fit anymore. God, that is the most beautiful thing I've ever said. Or I'm just stoned. Whatever. *giggle*