My ship

Oh, how sick am I of talking/thinking/blogging about my weight? And how sick are you of hearing about it?

I have been alive for 13,954 days and I'm sure I have thought I was a big fat slob for about 13,947 of them - at least. That's kinda sad. But realizing that, comprehending that and hating that hasn't changed it.

Something hit me the other day - and I'm not going to say that this time is sure to be different because I have said that far too often only to crash and burn - and I just want to get it out here so I can look at it and remember it.

My brother called me 4 1/2 years ago and told me that I had to buy this book that he'd found called "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking". He was beside himself with the exciting insights that it had provided him and he wanted to share it. I was already quit for a couple of weeks at the time but I was faltering so I gave it a shot; and, less than half way through the book, I knew that I would never smoke again in my life. I smoked for over 20 years - starting at the age of 10 - and had quit over and over and over but one passage in this book changed everything.

My brother preached and preached the lessons he learned from this book. He told every smoker he knew about it. It was so easy! If you read this, you will quit... he guaranteed it! You know who didn't quit? My brother.

I know it frustrated him to no end and he hated himself for it but he just couldn't kick the habit. He even went so far as to fly half way across the country to attend a seminar by the author. When that didn't work, he tried hypnotism. And he just couldn't stop.

As an outsider looking in, I always thought that his biggest problem was his belief that it was going to be easy. I think that, to him, finding out that it's easy to quit meant that at some point it will just happen without effort, without pain. He didn't even have to try. It's just so easy.

But he didn't accept the fact that it would be relatively easy. He couldn't understand that he still had to try, that it would still hurt to give up something that had been with him for 20 years. These things don't just go away. Finding the strength to get through the hard times doesn't mean there isn't going to be hard times.

And the other day I realized that I've been doing pretty much the same thing with my weight. My whole life I knew that I wasn't fat because I ate too much, that there was something wrong inside me that caused my weight problem so much more than simply loving the taste of junk food. I knew - I KNEW - that if I could just figure out what was wrong that the weight would simply drop off.

I have literally spent years figuring out what was wrong inside me. Now I love myself in a way that I never thought possible, I am at peace in my soul, I am happier and less stressed than I have ever been; I am also, at this very moment, heavier than I have ever been.

I think it's because I thought it was supposed to be easy. If the weight problem was brought on by internal factors, it should go away as soon as those factors were no longer present. Simple logic, right? Well, I still believe that.

But I also think that I didn't accept the fact that it would still hurt. I minimized the importance of the habits that I would have to change. Habits that have been with me since my mother started putting me on diets in my infancy.

There has to be some pain. There has to be some sacrifice. There has to be lifestyle changes and different choices. I eat all that I want because I know that someday all of the weight will fall off. Then I revert to beating myself up about being fat. Then I give in to my every whim again. Same cycle. Over and over.

I think it's time to try again. To really try for a change... and to try to not have someone else take responsibility for it. It's been a while since I've done that.

So, I have quit being fat. I quit smoking successfully, it's time for me to quit being fat successfully. Did someone say challenge? Bring it the fuck on, baby! Did someone say donut? Uh... no, thanks...