Problems with recovery

I don't know how else to label what I've been through... it was recovery, I'm better now. The problem with that? All my vices are gone. All of my old coping mechanisms are gone, rendered useless. No more binging, no more promiscuity, no more drinking to the point of blackout, no more smoking, no more pot, no more walls to build around me, not even an innocent thumb sucking. What do I have now? This new compassion for others that makes all these stupid emotions show up at the most inopportune times. This dumb imagination which makes me feel things I never had to feel before. This sense of complete and utter... peace. How boring.

Rehab - Amy Winehouse

Procrastination

TOP 10 REASONS TO STOP PROCRASTINATING:

1.

Tammy? Tammy!

My brother is the most insensitive dick on the planet, I swear. All of these years I have thought that he was just covering up his sensitivity with a tough exterior but now I'm pretty sure he's just an asshole. And. I. Just. Don't. Like. Him. Very. Much.

Closer Together - The Box

Daddykins

My Bobby is in the hospital again... went into the emergency room at 1am yesterday because he had been throwing up blood since Monday. Just because his chemo has been increased because it's not fucking working, he didn't feel the need to go to the hospital sooner. And they did a scope and found a bunch of polyps in his esophagus so we can probably add that to the list of bowel, lungs and liver. What's one more spot, right? And they had to take him off his blood thinners for a couple of days so they can biopsy the polyps - he didn't have the blood thinners for 36 hours last December and he had a stroke which sent him to the hospital which was when they discovered the cancer - so they are pretty concerned that he will stroke out and die while they do the test. Fuck.

Yesterday I was getting myself worked up because I am so afraid to see him when I go to Ontario next week. Today I'm afraid that he won't be able to go. Over here on the other side of the country it's easy to push the whole thing away - most of the time. Except on Father's Day, anniversaries, birthdays, except when people ask why I am moving, except when friends ask how he's doing, except when I see someone dying on tv or hear about someone with cancer anywhere in the world, except when the cancer society sends me an email or has a fund raiser, except when I hear a song that reminds me of him or think of a joke that he said or when I see a hammer or when I am awake or when I am asleep. Except those times I can totally forget about it. Fuck.

I am so afraid for him, so afraid for us... that soon we will have to live without him. Afraid that he won't make it to Debra's wedding in June. Afraid that he will suffer. Afraid that he has regrets. Afraid that I wasn't who he wanted me to be. Afraid that I haven't made him proud. Afraid that he hasn't lived a happy life. Afraid that he's not ready. Afraid that he is.

But there's nothing I can do. I can be there, I can support him and Mom, I can move to Ontario so I will at least be closer to home, I can love him. But there's nothing I can do. I know that death is part of life and I know that I have always wanted my parents to go before any of their children because that's the way it's supposed to be. But in 30 years, damnit. Not now. Not when he hasn't met the children that I haven't even met the father of, let alone conceived or adopted. Not when we haven't made his dream trip to Ireland. Not when... just not now. Just not.

Do you think he knows how much I love him?

Song Sung Blue - Neil Diamond

Zack Ford - Zack's response to my rebuttal

I Blog To Make a Difference
Oct 21 2009
Filed In: Higher Education, Queer Rights, Things to Make You Smile, Zack's Life

I know that, a lot of times, my blog is ZFBlogosquarenot received well. Some might see my bitingly tenacious rationality as occasionally disrespectful, unwelcoming, or not very student-affairsy. Believe it or not, I have student affairs in mind most of the times that I blog (though how I write here and how I would interact with a student would be generally quite different). Student affairs seems to be nothing but supportive about spirituality while ignorant and silent on atheist students and identities, so I try to be the opposite: challenging of spirituality and very open about atheism. I also think for as welcoming a field as we have for LGBT professionals, we are generally weak when it comes to speaking out. Queer equality is a civil rights movement that isn’t over yet, and I worry that those in the field who don’t work with LGBT affairs on a regular basis have a limited appreciation for how important that movement is for our students.

But more than anything, I blog to make a difference. I want to write things that will make people think, and then I hope that they respond so that the dialogue allows us all to grow. As someone willing to go there with challenging issues, I feel I have a responsibility to actually go there. Simply seeing how many hits I have does not help me to understand how people are reacting, but I hope they’re at least thinking about what I offer.

Every once in a while, though, I will receive some feedback that makes it all worthwhile, and today was one of those days.

Last month, I created a small scandal by my playful jab at Rainn Wilson when I decided to stop following him on Twitter. One of the replies I got that I thought was pretty disrespectful was Befralee’s:

Befralee @rainnwilson Maybe if @zackford gets out more he’ll realize he doesn’t have to proclaim gayness like he’s at the first pride parade.

I called it out as homophobic in my blog post, which led to an exchange of a few comments. In Befralee’s follow-up, she spoke of concern for her nephew who was struggling with coming out. She wrote:

By proclaiming in your bio that the very first thing we should know about you is the fact that you are gay, you are inferring that being gay is different. And the message you are sending to my nephew, and to others in the same situation, is that he can’t be normal if he is gay. How is that message helping anyone?

Will and I both responded explaining that we had concerns that she was in fact the one sending the message of “wrong,” as opposed to a message of love and admiration. At the time there was no follow-up response from her… until today.

I encourage you to read Befralee’s full comment as it’s quite heartfelt and touching, but I’ll just post an excerpt here:

Of course I knew there was small minded people making ignorant comments and smart-asses who think their jokes are funny but I did not see the depth of the prejudice and inequality that the LGBT community experiences until communicating with you opened my eyes. And I thank you for that.

Befralee, I thank you for your amazing response. I am utterly delighted by your nephew’s development and confidence and I wish you the best for you and all of your family. (And yes, I totally agree that we should allow people to come out on their own terms, but we can lay a red carpet out for when they do.) Your compassion and support are incredibly meaningful to me and to all of those out there who face discrimination in their everyday lives.

That’s why I blog. That’s why I teach. That’s why I program. That’s why I advocate. That’s why I march. That’s why I’m in the field of student affairs.

We learn so much when we hold each other accountable and engage in real dialogue, and that’s why I write what I write. I blog to make a difference.

Zack Ford - My reply to Zack's rebuttal

Hi Zack:

I want you to know that I think of you, and of this conversation of ours, often. While I am not proud of the comments that started it, I am glad that it started. Twitter in general – and communicating with you in particular – has opened my eyes to a world that I innocently thought we had evolved past.

Contrary to Will’s comments and perception of my stance on this subject, I have never, ever, by any stretch of the imagination, inferred that it is “bad to even say the word gay”. My position was the absolute opposite of that. I didn’t think that anyone really thought that there was anything wrong with being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered anymore.

I never understood how people could impugn or attack someone based on who they were attracted to. I never understood how anyone could be so closed minded as to think that being gay or straight had any bearing on a person’s worth as a human being. It just didn’t make logical sense to me so, I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing that those things still happen. Of course I knew there was small minded people making ignorant comments and smart-asses who think their jokes are funny but I did not see the depth of the prejudice and inequality that the LGBT community experiences until communicating with you opened my eyes. And I thank you for that.

Something I don’t think I ever told you is that my nephew has not officially come out to me or anyone else in our family yet. Also, you don’t know that my nephew lives almost 5,000 miles away from me. I fly him over here for a couple of weeks each summer and spend the whole time trying to erase all of the crap that is fed to him for the other 50 weeks of the year. I think I was beating up on you when I really wanted to beat up on my sister and her fiancée and everyone else who has made him feel that he is anything less than the amazingly wonderful young man that he is. And for that, I truly do apologize to you and to anyone else whom I inadvertently offended.

On a happier note, I had a short visit with my nephew since you and I were first introduced. I was overjoyed by his increased level of confidence and, although I have always encouraged him to evolve at his own pace, we did have what I consider a breakthrough – he finally allowed me to meet his boyfriend. So the closet door is open now… I trust that he will come out when he is ready. (I have always thought that the actual “coming out” is something that should come from him – do you agree?)

We might be getting closer to LGBT equality but I see now that progress is slow and still needs to be championed to a large degree. I see now that you are leading a crusade and that I was wrong to believe that this is a battle which had already been won. I wish you all the best, Zack – and know that I am out here fighting with you.

Zack Ford - Zack's rebuttal

As I suggested in the post, it is important to get to know a person a bit before you make accusations.

For example, if you looked around at all, you realized that one of the purposes of this blog is to address LGBT issues. I highlight my sexual orientation on my twitter account because I hope that it connects them here to my blog. LGBT advocacy is also a big part of the work that I do in Student Affairs in Higher Education.

It’s important to me to be out and proud because I can be out and proud. It’s about courage and nonconformity in an oppressive society. Being gay is different, but it’s awesome. I don’t know where you connect the dots to wrong because that’s not what I do at all. I write this blog so young people like your nephew know there are others out there, they can read about issues related to their identities, and they can feel supported knowing that others are speaking out on their behalf.

The attitude you present does the opposite. While your original tweet to me might not have been intentionally offensive, that really is the only way it can read. Your comment reveals the depth behind your meaning, which allows me to appreciate your intention a bit more, but I have to inform you that your approach is still misguided. It is your shame and your sense of discretion that sends your nephew the message he should hide who he is and perhaps be ashamed of it.

Keep in mind that there is still a lot of legal inequality against LGBT people. We still have a lot of fighting to do. We only make the important point if we are visible and force people to recognize that our society isn’t good enough until we respect difference (instead of, as you seem to, assume that different is wrong).

Whether you are straight or gay, Befralee, is irrelevant to me and to how I interpret your post. I believe you when you say you do not intend to be homophobic, but your actions still have a negative impact on the community, so I encourage you to think about the effects of your words. How would you feel if other people told you that you should “keep to yourself” certain aspects of your identity? THAT IS THE MESSAGE OF SHAME. If you are gay, I would be concerned that you have issues of shame that you direct inward as well, but that would be the only difference.

My thoughts on spirituality reflect another primary aspect of this blog, which is to inform people about atheism and to deconstruct religious privilege, the undeserved respect that subscription to the supernatural has in our society. I suggest you read my recent post on Karen Armstrong (linked above) as well as some of the posts in my “Defining Nonbelief and Atheism” archive to learn more about why I “mocked” spirituality.

Thank you for your comments. I hope you think about what I’ve said. I’m happy to continue this dialogue to help you be a better ally to the LGBT community and support structure for your nephew.

Zack Ford - My reply

First of all, please allow me to apologize. My comment was not intended to “bully” you and I certainly did not mean to hurt your feelings. I am so not anywhere near homophobic… actually that’s kind of why I wrote what I did. It had absolutely nothing to do with some actor who’s show I don’t even watch.

I know it’s really not any of my business what you choose to write about yourself but the things you say do affect others, just as what I wrote affected you. What I was trying to communicate was that, in this day and age, do you really need to highlight GAY all over your stuff as if you were leading a crusade? Isn’t that a bit like me still fighting for the right to vote? Or like a black man fighting for the right to sit at the front of the bus?

Perhaps being gay defines who you are as a person? Perhaps you feel you would be less interesting or enlightened if everyone didn’t know which gender you are attracted to? Do you like me any more or less because you don’t know which gender I prefer? If you knew I was gay and you reread what I said, would you take it differently?

My nephew is currently struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. He’s from a small town where “different” is not acceptable and where being gay is definitely different. At the already difficult age of 17, the only thing in his world that is important right now is trying to fit in, to be normal. The message I keep trying to beat into his head is that he is normal – he’s a good person, he is smart and funny, he is handsome and he deserves to be happy – it doesn’t matter who he is attracted to. But you are practically screaming that it does matter.

Let’s step into his shoes for a moment and see what kind of message you are sending to him, and to others in the same situation:

If DIFFERENT = WRONG
And GAY = DIFFERENT
Then GAY = WRONG
And HE = WRONG

By proclaiming in your bio that the very first thing we should know about you is the fact that you are gay, you are inferring that being gay is different. And the message you are sending to my nephew, and to others in the same situation, is that he can’t be normal if he is gay. How is that message helping anyone?

Can you understand that what you are saying is hitting deeper than if some ignorant asshole on the street called him a fag? That guy would be just some ignorant asshole, but you are actually like him so you must know what you are talking about. And you are telling him that gay is different, and he is telling himself that gay is wrong. So I am telling you that just makes me mad.

And, if I was being a bully to you, what were you being to Rainn Wilson? I stop following lots of people when I don’t like what they are saying but I don’t feel the need to impress my twitter-mates by showing them how I can call out a famous guy to his face (er, his @ replies). And that “Soul Pancake spirituality vibe” that you were trying to mock is very important to a lot of people – just as your sexuality is obviously very important to you.

You might be a self-professed “snarky bloke” but you are also a hypocrite. And when I see hypocrisy, I point it out. I try very, very hard to practise what I preach, sir… do you?

Zack Ford - What Zack wrote

The links in the previous post died and I want to keep this stuff so it's time for a copy and paste:


When Following on Twitter Becomes Fanatic
Sep 23 2009
Filed In: Things to Make You Think, Zack's Life

UPDATE: See the newest, rudest reply at the bottom!

Ha! Wow! This was an interesting little experiment I did not expect to conduct on Twitter.

rainn-wilsonFor a long time, I’ve been following Rainn Wilson on Twitter. You know him as Dwight from The Office, among other things. I thought it was interesting to see what he tweeted, because he was really into it and was a unique character. Lately, though, I found myself rolling my eyes every time he tweeted. I found his tweets uninteresting and not funny. In addition, he often tweets stuff from his other website, Soul Pancake, which has this spiritual let’s-find-deeper-meaning-in-life vibe that I personally find nauseating. (I’m sure Karen Armstrong would love it.)

So, I finally said to myself, “Why subject yourself to all these tweets you don’t care about?” and I unfollowed him. Also, because I’m a snarky bloke (and mostly to mock the Soul Pancake spirituality vibe), I tweeted, “I decided to stop following @rainnwilson and I’ve never felt better about life.”

And then Rainn tweeted:

Zack needs to get out more. RT I decided to stop following @rainnwilson and I’ve never felt better about life. (via @zackford)

And you know what? That’s a fair retort. I still like Rainn as an actor, and I meant no personal offense, and I don’t think he took it that way either. I’m certainly not offended by what he said back. If that was the end, I wouldn’t bother writing a blog post about it.

Rainn has over 1.4 million followers. Some of them are loyal. Many felt a need to reply. I was surprised at how nasty some of them were; while others were funny. A few were just retweets who thought it was funny, but let’s take a look at how some celebrity devotees respond when their idol gets a little diss.

beancroc @zackford Hahahaha. Schooled by Rainn Wilson. Hahahaha.

Well, I don’t exactly feel schooled. Rainn doesn’t even know me.

This one was hilarious:

theJFKshow @rainnwilson Sorry @zackford, and imma let you finish but @riannwilson is the best tweeter OF ALL TIME. Fuck Kanye West.

Too bad about the typo. But a good Kanye parody always works.

Some people though were a bit more vicious:

FluidDarkness @rainnwilson And who the F is @zackford ?

Ycartneerg @rainnwilson Two ideas for Zack: Suck. It. RT I decided to stop following @rainnwilson, never felt better about life (via @zackford)

Befralee @rainnwilson Maybe if @zackford gets out more he’ll realize he doesn’t have to proclaim gayness like he’s at the first pride parade.

dustinbyers @zackford i would have to agree with @rainnwilson you need to get out more why would you stop following him

Yikes! I wonder if Rainn realizes the potential he has to draw out the wrath of some of his followers! In particular, Befralee felt it necessary to make a pretty homophobic remark. I think the past decade has shown that technology has allowed people to be a lot less censored when they write online, whether it’s cyber bullying or just really open sharing in other ways. The fact that these folks have no hesitation when it comes to attacking a person they don’t even know is slightly disturbing.

If Rainn can get that kind of reaction from his followers, it doesn’t bode well for other people. Surely the teabagger and birther movements are evidence of the power of propaganda from talking heads like Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh. This small-scale example is pretty telling of how devoted people can be to celebrities, “role models,” and “idols.”

But hey, some people thought it was funny:

cuppycakee @rainnwilson haha. oh sweet amusement. its probably due to the “controversial” nature of your tweets.. way to stick it to the man, @zackford

batsoup @rainnwilson is a tool, but he makes me laugh RT @zackford I decided to stop following @rainnwilson and I’ve never felt better about life.

nocommayes Decided to take a page from @zackford ’s book and stop following @rainnwilson.

In addition, I’ve picked up five new followers of my own AND an old friend from high school found me through Rainn’s tweet. Welcome folks and hi Kate!

Anyway, none of this is a big deal. I’m not trying to make it a big deal. I think it’s funny, but I also think it’s slightly disturbing. Twitter is a great tool for connecting with others, but its impact isn’t always positive. Food for thought, people…

Kind of like a soul pancake! Oh wait, I don’t believe in souls.

Musings of Zack Ford

WHAT HE WROTE:

Oh, just read his blog and comments... it'll be easier on everyone.

http://zackfordblogs.com/2009/09/23/when-following-on-twitter-becomes-fanatic/#comments

And then:

Befralee@zackford Read your blog post and replied-it's quite lengthy but I had some stuff to say, too.No hard feelings.Live & let live, right?Cheers

zackford@Befralee I already offered my own lengthy reply to yours! ;-)

American Triangle - Elton John

Quotes

Existential crisis guy says: "how am I not myself?" HOW am i not myself? how AM I not myself? how am i NOT myself? how am i not MYSELF?

"What was once my jungle is now my zoo."

"His glory walks hand in hand with his doom" from some movie

"He's smothering me... and not the good your-thigh-is-on-my-face kind of way" from twitter

"Oh, Jeffrey, I've met some boiled men in my time but you are 20 minutes."

"Ray, you can't believe everything you read on the internet - that's how World War 1 started." - PS3 Commercial

Writing??

Well, I'm still trying to write but I'm not very sure that I'm any good at it. I skipped over the beginning and worked on a dirty part - which, quite frankly - wrote itself but, as for the story, it's a struggle. I've never been overabundant on the imagination part. I have been trying to compensate by doing a bit of research on some of the things I want to describe but it ain't flowing right now.

It could also be the fact that I haven't slept properly in about a week and, fed up with my new 5am bed time, I decided to stay up and try to reset my system. My brain isn't really shooting on all cylinders so I guess I should give myself a bit of a break.

Okay, I'll try to entertain myself in another way and come back to this. Kisses.

Excuses - Alanis Morissette

How to feel good sober

Well, I guess the switch is official (reference Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog... final clip when my nephew said "See? His personalities switched"). I wake up every morning - and usually several times during the night - absolutely bursting with ideas of things I want to write, things I want to do, ready to strap on those sneakers and hop on the Turbo Jam party train.

It's hard to imagine the hell I was in at this time two years ago... fucked up on pot and food and the remnants of wayward brain chemistry, hating my world and everyone who had the gall to be in it. The only time I was okay was when I was stoned with a chocolate bar in one hand and a penis in the other. Sober, I longed for the way I felt when I was high... so I decided to figure out if it was possible to feel like that all the time, sans BC green.

The answer is a big resounding yes! Yes, it's possible to feel good and at peace without getting high. Don't get me wrong... it was a long road... a looooooooong road but I made it. The switch became apparent over the past few months when I started hating my thought patterns and actions when I was high... I cut out the pot and... ah, absolute freedom. And it only took about 23 years! But I know it will be with me for the next 23 years and beyond.


Way to go me!

Sober - Pink

Writing

I'm writing! Like, a story kind of writing. Got a bit of an outline and everything! I'm actually elaborating on a dream. This is very exciting; I haven't written in about 20 YEARS!

And I haven't had sex in 15 months so it's porn. (Is it wrong that I'm writing the dirty parts first??)

Strange Disease - Simon and Milo

Quotes

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
— Maya Angelou

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
— Douglas Adams

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
— George Eliot

My condolences

I'm trying to write a note to someone from my hometown (whom I did not really know but small town, friend of friends, she's on my facebook, etc) because I just heard that her brother (who I also didn't know well... it was 20 years ago!) committed suicide.

I want to say something that will make it better. I want to tell her that everything is going to be okay, because I honestly believe that it will be okay - but I also know that, in a way, it will never be okay again.

I want to reach out to this person that I don't even know because I want to help. I know there is no magic phrase that will make it all go away but I want to try... to ease it. What can I possibly say?

This is why I usually say nothing...

Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen

My shit don't stink

Here is how I live my life:
When the shit hits the wall
I wait to see what sticks...
shit like where I will work,
where I will live,
what I will drive,
who I will love, etc.
I ponder the shit,
examine it,
poke around in it,
consider every splatter,
I'm open to every movement.
When a facet of life is not going right,
or when it's time for a change,
the shit inevitably hits the wall.
The answers lie in the shit that sticks.
Like corn...
Okay, that's enough,
this is getting gross.
But it's a fun way to live.

On How to Live Life

If you believe that every day
can improve on the day before:
every kiss will be your best kiss,
every touch a cherished memory;
every tear will dry a little faster,
every hurt will hurt a little less;
and every single time you're wrong,
you will be just a little more right.


Written by: me! 02/09

Dear food:

You are with me when I'm happy
Even more so when I'm sad
You're a pat on the back when I do a good deed
My repentance when I've been bad

I sacrificed my body for you
I empowered you through spite
I pretended we had a love affair
But all we did was fight

I needed so much to trust you
That I surrendered my heart and soul
But the comfort that you gave to me
Turned into complete control

Now I am your prisoner
Chained to this self- prophesied fate
But I will conquer you one day
And I will be me, not my weight

Written by Me! 01/09

Blah-g

Let's begin with the last entry of my old blahg:

Thursday, September 17, 2009

"I got my new eyes today!"

That's what I just put on my twitter. Then I LOL'ed a bit... ha... lol. Something inside me switched. I think it's time. I think I'm okay now. I think I'm even ready to change the password on this blahg. That life (this life today and for the last time) is not for me anymore. Any. More.

I wrote a story last night. Started. Can you believe that? And the days that I wasn't high were so much more fun than the days when I was. It's almost like... almost like the end of my fucking around days. And the end of my smoking days. The end of my Newfoundland days. The end of my Wabush days. Mother fucker. It's the same thing, new generation. I'M PEPSI!

Now I'm going to go read my old blahg one more time and burn it. Metaphorically speaking, of course. (Because, as much as everyone was right when they said I would regret it if I burned my old journals, as much as they were right, it was a ceremonial thing almost, graduating to the next stage of life, as I am doing right now with you, including too many commas.)

I think I know now. Everything has fallen together on a larger scale, now it's time for the details... as much as I hate the details. Time for a commitment, as much as I've always hated commitment. It's time to settle down. To be part of a family. Someday! Slow the fuck down, woman! (haha... ya... only I, at the tender age of 38, would take that as fast. haha... let the games begin.) *insert smiley face here.

*** If you are interested in reading some serious drivel: http://searchingforwalls.blogspot.com/

Free - Faith Hill

It doesn't look like this job hunt is going to be easy. I really want to concentrate on staying at least within an hour away, closer would be nice.

OTTAWA AIRPORT, GATE 20. It probably wasn't the best idea to have a dream about a plane crash yesterday. It was quite vivid. Also, probably not a good idea that I keep thinking about it!

So, what else is new, as my daddykins would say! Obviously on the way back to Vancouver. I have a lot of packing and good byes to get through. Not quite sure about timing at this point. I applied for an A/P spot at Calabogie Peaks Resort. They seem somewhat interested so far - guess we'll have to see. Probably not the best time to be applying for jobs as I can't go on interviews but that one came up and it would be pretty cool to work there, I think. Go skiing after work!

Ideally - best possible scenario at the moment - I could stay in Renfrew and rent Neil's apartment where Debra and Andrew are now, work at Calabogie, get a dog (a rottie named Gerber???), keep my car, ship my stuff and drive out early October/late September.

The house warming party is the 3rd of October. Cathy and John arrive first, Pat and Bob a few days later. Hopefully no Calvin and no David. Especially Calvin, although I'll just have to suck it up if it comes to that. Tom will probably be there for the weekend.

It would be weird to have the whole family together and not be a part of it. In a funny way, I would be totally okay with it. Of course, that's easy to say right now.

Plane boards in a few minutes, going to Toronto quickly first. Looking forward to getting home and blowing up a fat one - terrible habit which I will leave behind when I move. But just for now, right? Just a while longer.

Debra has been doing Turbo Jam almost daily for a year now. She looks awesome, lost about 30 pounds. No gym, no special diet, no counting calories or hating herself. Although she started on a whole different planet than me - about 50-70 pounds overweight with life long food, commitment and body issues coming out the ying-yang. Hmmm. Times, they are a changing, Bevie. I feel it. In my skin I am residing. Now to start living - sorry, to continue living - as the me I always wanted to be. Sure could do without this guy, though. Hmmm.

Commitment, hey? It occurred to me that I have never really committed myself to anything. I always come first, always. That can't be right, can it?

I just finished the 4th book of the 'Twilight' saga. Good. Goooood! It's hard to define why I loved/love it so much. I have watched the movie almost every day since mid-June and have read each book - except # 4 (so far!) - a couple of times.

It's the love. A love that I have never - and still struggle with - believed in. My way has been too logical. Because I couldn't control the emotional, I guess. With a list of requirements for any man in my life (i.e. loving his family, accepting of mine, financially stable, kind, considerate), I have always found it easy to love - with walls. I have never loved without them.

The closest I have been to anyone without the protection of my walls has been, of course, Debra. Perhaps that's why I have such a strong need to be with her now. To practise, to learn, to simply be open and free to be myself, without restraint.

She ordered her wedding dress today. She is so beautiful. She will make a beautiful bride, I know, although I struggle to picture it. Most likely because I almost melted into a puddle of tears in the bridal shop. I fear my reaction on the day. It might be wise to have lots of sleep, exercise and sex - good sex - in preparation! Exhaust some of that emotion which will surely present itself.

Tomorrow I begin my job search. Ontario, here I come and all that. It's somewhat amusing how little doubt I feel in the face of such tremendous change. I guess I know there will be struggles, benefits and compromises yet the final answer does not change.

It was funny yesterday. When I got off the plane my first thought - after where the hell do I get my bags!!! - was that my new boyfriend lives in Ontario, I wonder who he'll be. Funny.

It is becoming almost exciting (and certainly scary, perhaps I have those two emotions confused?) to go toward a future that I cannot envision. How uncharacteristically odd. And, although it terrifies me that my need for big change, challenge and apparently the unknown might not allow me a traditional life and family, I am already uncovering situations which might afford me both. I.e. long term love and commitment to one man if he shares that desire for change. Perhaps we could travel, flip houses, foster troubled children. See? It's all open and flowing right now. The possibilities!

Which brings me back to 'Twilight'. It's not that I have any interest in bagging myself a hot vampire but maybe there's something to this whole theory of complete and unwavering love? Maybe.

Flying to Ottawa. Funny thought about the side effects. In learning to believe in myself, I also learned to believe in other things that have never bothered me in my whole life. Things like flying - rather, crashing. A fear that I've never had before.

I feel every bump, every air pocket and, where before I would giggle and weeeee, I now think about how much it would SUCK! I honestly think that I spent most of my life waiting to die. It is true that at times I wished I could help it along but, even on a good day, I was waiting for it. And I was okay with it.

That is no longer the case. This pen sucks... I need a keyboard! Okay, new pen...

So, I'm moving to Ontario. It still feels weird to say that, to even think it. About a million times a day I stop and think "I can't believe I'm moving to Ontario!" But I have no doubts, this is the next step, the next stage of my life.

Why? Why. Well, most importantly, I want to be near my family. I could say that I want to spend more time with my dad before his cancer takes hold. I could say that I want to be there for my mother when it does. I could say that I want to be near my sister at this very exciting stage of her life. I want to help her plan her wedding, I want to be there when she has children, I want to be a part of their lives in a way that I wasn't for Cathy's boys, in a way that my aunts and uncles weren't a part of my life and are now basically strangers to me.

But I will be honest with you. While those are all very solid reasons for the move, and absolutely some of the benefits, there are a few more selfish reasons.

1. I'm lonely. I want a family, I want my family. I want to be near Debra. It gives me a comfort that I can't explain. She's my favourite person in the whole world and I am just happier when she is around, even when she was a three hour boat ride away, she fills me up.

2. I want to be somewhere new. To try out this new me in a place where the old me isn't an issue. In friendships and relationships (in the beginning, at least) I have been trying so hard to please the other person that I gave up some of myself. (It was easy because I basically had no idea who "myself" was.) This me wouldn't be friends with Julie. Not that I would not be friends by any means but whatever bond we shared faded long ago. I want to surround myself with people who are genuine and true to themselves, not people who are afraid to combine different groups of friends in case someone might be an embarrassment. Not you, though, Bev. Just everyone else. Mmhmm.

3. I have thought several times that I didn't go far enough this year. Yes, I moved and started a new career but I didn't want to go to the same hair salon and doctor and stores and see the same people and do the same things. I wanted different, I wanted new. I wanted a challenge, a thrill, stress, fear, excitement, life. That's what life is about isn't it? Go in your own direction, be happy. And I will.

I will be happy knowing that these down times are inevitable. They usually bring on something new but nothing will ever stop them. Not food, not pot, not money, not a man, not being alone. They are a part of who I am and someday I will find someone who can live with that. And, in the mean time, I will be using my little sister as my source of love and understanding. I think she's up to the task as no one ever has been before!

I totally forgot that I started writing in here. I do prefer the computer but this pen might just save me $250. A pen that I stole from my former workplace.

Ah, how I love looking back. I seriously need to sit in front of a computer screen and read some of my old stuff. I'm still a little weirded out by some of the unexpected side-effects of my brain over-haul. Not sure if I like them all so now I'm just tweaking a bit.

Tweaking. A.K.A. Moving to Ontario.

Ha! I love how people say "when did you decide this?" and I can say "August 23rd." Because it's true. That's the day I said "I think I'll move to Ontario." And that other voice inside my head said "why not?"

Why not, indeed!