I just finished the 4th book of the 'Twilight' saga. Good. Goooood! It's hard to define why I loved/love it so much. I have watched the movie almost every day since mid-June and have read each book - except # 4 (so far!) - a couple of times.

It's the love. A love that I have never - and still struggle with - believed in. My way has been too logical. Because I couldn't control the emotional, I guess. With a list of requirements for any man in my life (i.e. loving his family, accepting of mine, financially stable, kind, considerate), I have always found it easy to love - with walls. I have never loved without them.

The closest I have been to anyone without the protection of my walls has been, of course, Debra. Perhaps that's why I have such a strong need to be with her now. To practise, to learn, to simply be open and free to be myself, without restraint.

She ordered her wedding dress today. She is so beautiful. She will make a beautiful bride, I know, although I struggle to picture it. Most likely because I almost melted into a puddle of tears in the bridal shop. I fear my reaction on the day. It might be wise to have lots of sleep, exercise and sex - good sex - in preparation! Exhaust some of that emotion which will surely present itself.

Tomorrow I begin my job search. Ontario, here I come and all that. It's somewhat amusing how little doubt I feel in the face of such tremendous change. I guess I know there will be struggles, benefits and compromises yet the final answer does not change.

It was funny yesterday. When I got off the plane my first thought - after where the hell do I get my bags!!! - was that my new boyfriend lives in Ontario, I wonder who he'll be. Funny.

It is becoming almost exciting (and certainly scary, perhaps I have those two emotions confused?) to go toward a future that I cannot envision. How uncharacteristically odd. And, although it terrifies me that my need for big change, challenge and apparently the unknown might not allow me a traditional life and family, I am already uncovering situations which might afford me both. I.e. long term love and commitment to one man if he shares that desire for change. Perhaps we could travel, flip houses, foster troubled children. See? It's all open and flowing right now. The possibilities!

Which brings me back to 'Twilight'. It's not that I have any interest in bagging myself a hot vampire but maybe there's something to this whole theory of complete and unwavering love? Maybe.