Flying to Ottawa. Funny thought about the side effects. In learning to believe in myself, I also learned to believe in other things that have never bothered me in my whole life. Things like flying - rather, crashing. A fear that I've never had before.

I feel every bump, every air pocket and, where before I would giggle and weeeee, I now think about how much it would SUCK! I honestly think that I spent most of my life waiting to die. It is true that at times I wished I could help it along but, even on a good day, I was waiting for it. And I was okay with it.

That is no longer the case. This pen sucks... I need a keyboard! Okay, new pen...

So, I'm moving to Ontario. It still feels weird to say that, to even think it. About a million times a day I stop and think "I can't believe I'm moving to Ontario!" But I have no doubts, this is the next step, the next stage of my life.

Why? Why. Well, most importantly, I want to be near my family. I could say that I want to spend more time with my dad before his cancer takes hold. I could say that I want to be there for my mother when it does. I could say that I want to be near my sister at this very exciting stage of her life. I want to help her plan her wedding, I want to be there when she has children, I want to be a part of their lives in a way that I wasn't for Cathy's boys, in a way that my aunts and uncles weren't a part of my life and are now basically strangers to me.

But I will be honest with you. While those are all very solid reasons for the move, and absolutely some of the benefits, there are a few more selfish reasons.

1. I'm lonely. I want a family, I want my family. I want to be near Debra. It gives me a comfort that I can't explain. She's my favourite person in the whole world and I am just happier when she is around, even when she was a three hour boat ride away, she fills me up.

2. I want to be somewhere new. To try out this new me in a place where the old me isn't an issue. In friendships and relationships (in the beginning, at least) I have been trying so hard to please the other person that I gave up some of myself. (It was easy because I basically had no idea who "myself" was.) This me wouldn't be friends with Julie. Not that I would not be friends by any means but whatever bond we shared faded long ago. I want to surround myself with people who are genuine and true to themselves, not people who are afraid to combine different groups of friends in case someone might be an embarrassment. Not you, though, Bev. Just everyone else. Mmhmm.

3. I have thought several times that I didn't go far enough this year. Yes, I moved and started a new career but I didn't want to go to the same hair salon and doctor and stores and see the same people and do the same things. I wanted different, I wanted new. I wanted a challenge, a thrill, stress, fear, excitement, life. That's what life is about isn't it? Go in your own direction, be happy. And I will.

I will be happy knowing that these down times are inevitable. They usually bring on something new but nothing will ever stop them. Not food, not pot, not money, not a man, not being alone. They are a part of who I am and someday I will find someone who can live with that. And, in the mean time, I will be using my little sister as my source of love and understanding. I think she's up to the task as no one ever has been before!