You know, sometimes I think I'm a sad state of a woman, a sorry excuse for a 38 (almost) year old woman. So afraid, so afraid. But the bad part is that I'm not afraid someone won't love me as much as I'm afraid someone will. And the desire to get stoned and numb is potent but it never seems to help much. Okay, it does - it's how I figured out that other crap - but it won't help in this situation.

This is about more than me. It's not good enough for me to have some big epiphany on my own. This involves someone else, too. And that's the hard part. I can only control what I do - and it's really about control, isn't it?