Yeah

- yeah? Well, lets try this again, smart ass... you thought you were so fucking awesome last time... fix me now, bitch.

- what the ---

- yeah, I thought so. Welcome to my world.

- what the hell is going on?

- everything. Nothing. I'm a freak. I'm a loser. I have nothing. I'm worth nothing. God will this never end?

- will what ever end? What???

- these fucking break downs. I just... nothing has changed... except I no longer make $100,000/year and I now have no home and no friends and no life. Way better. Awesome idea. Awesome.

- but...

- and now I don't get to smoke pot and I don't get to eat without guilt and I don't get to drink and I don't get to have sex with people I don't care about and I don't get to desperately love people that I shouldn't care about. I just sit here. All day long. Alone. On the internet. Where - also - no one really gives a shit if I live or die. And now I can't even fucking connect to the internet so I don't even have that any more. I am a shell of fucking worthless shit and I really don't know why I bother. Why am I here? What's the big idea? What ever made me think that I could... I don't know... can I change anything? Fuck. I don't know anymore. I just don't fucking know. And I don't care enough to let my fucking Miss Positivity side have a word because we all know she's full of shit, too, so fuck off and die already.

*****

- hmmm, yes, sorry about that. Lost it there for a bit. It bugs me that I go back to the same old thing over and over but whatchagonnado? I was feeling bad for myself with all the #FF bullshit on twitter -as per snoozually- and I took it out on me because, well, I... am... me... or something. I don't know. But I did know that it would be a seriously bad idea to drink tonight and downed a full bottle of wine. The sad part is I didn't even get to enjoy it... chatted with Sue for over an hour and then exploded in a fit of rage.

- blech. Go to bed.