What is it about the act of sitting in a darkened movie theatre that brings me such clarity? It is something that I think I should start doing often again because it has a way of motivating me that I entirely don't understand. But not understanding doesn't mean it doesn't work, right?
Anyways, I was at the movies with my Debraly tonight - jesus, how is it possible to love someone so much? - and it hit me. Stop. Stop. Stop waiting. Stop planning. Stop expecting. Stop hoping. Stop foreseeing. Start living.
I don't have any time to waste. There's too much that I want to do. Too much that I want to achieve. Too much that I want to experience. Too much that I want to give. And there is absolutely nothing in any of that the requires me to be thin or sexy or anything other than who I am. Somewhere I started putting all this pressure on myself again and it is affecting me the exact way it has always affected me. And I am losing my mind because of it.
I don't want to wait. I don't want to not do things because my jeans don't fit. I'll go buy some new jeans. And I don't want to be with anyone who wouldn't want to be with me based on some extra baggage around my waist.
And now my brows are a mess. And my hair has three inches of roots. And my skin is blemished. And I'm not happy. I'm just not happy.
That old "it's okay to hate my life right now" is a load of steaming brown stuff and I know it. It's not okay to ever hate my life and I won't hate it ever again. I am not going to sit here and wait for my life to happen. I am going to make it happen. Fat or thin doesn't matter any more. Happy or sad is all that counts.
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