It's love

Mother fucker, I love me. And I don't mind saying that because I have spent about 25 years on the other end of the spectrum.

You know, when Mom said I couldn't join ballet because I was too fat and none of the boys could lift me, I probably went "Okay" dum de dum dum... whistle whistle... skip skip. It's only in retrospect that my mother's comments affected me. Much the same as I did with the men in my life, I needed a reason to feel that absolute hell that I was feeling... so I went looking for the answers. And, trust me, I got a lot of those answers wrong before I got any right. A. Lot. Wrong.

But it was those wrong answers who made me who I am. Practise, almost. I said to Stacey the other day: I have spent the past 13 years here gathering information. I think that I have lived and loved and milked the most out of this life in BC. God, it's been so amazing. I never knew I could be this person. I didn't know it was possible. It is, it is!

I am who I want to be. How many people can say that? Hope a lot, I really do because it's awesome. For a girl like me, who didn't think it was odd to spend New Year's Eve on the closet floor, crying her eyes out. I want to say to her - hang on me! I'm coming.

When Stacey and I got stoned the other night I turned to her and said something that I have never said out loud in my life. "I want teenagers." Not, I want kids. I want teenagers. I think that fostering youth at risk is amazing. Tremendous. The differences my parents have made in people's lives is mind boggling. "Am I just as good as a bad man sleeping while the rest are dying, or am I just as bad as a good man saying there's no use in trying?" (by Daniel Merriweather from 'Change') And I have a knack for it. It's a crazy learning curve but did someone say challenge?

It's so funny to watch the evolution of my life here. Could I even put it on here? I am stoned and I tend to ramble. Maybe a little less detail. Maybe in a bit. I have a lot of thoughts to catch up on when I'm not stoned anymore. Not to worry. I have time.