"I got nerve!"

Well, I didn't make it far today. Not as far as I intended, anyway. Probably due to the fact that I slept for a whopping 2.5 hours last night after spending about 10 hours packing and cleaning the dungeon. So "shot" doesn't even come close to how I felt all day. Got on the road at 11am and had lunch at 2:30pm but by 5pm I was ready to fall asleep at the wheel. And that would probably be bad.

Good drive, though. Once I left the Fraser Valley traffic was minimal. There was a spot around Hope/Yale where the wind was blowing like crazy, there was leaves all over the road, branches fallen, even rocks fallen from the mountain side. As I drove through there "I Got Nerve" was playing on the cd. I laughed because yes, I do. Am I crazy? Then I saw this guy coming UP hill toward me. On his BICYCLE and I thought no, he's crazy!

"Why don't you make like a tree and leave?"

It's time. The goodbyes have been said, the tears have dried, there's nothing left to do but go. It's been good. I'm ready. Tomorrow I hit the road.

Did I ever mention how everything always comes together? Is that just for me? Do I have some kind of karma? Or is it all attitude?

Everything turns out for the best. The moving company picked up my stuff on Tuesday. I'm taking everything except the stuff in the bedroom. Fabian took that yesterday. The bed went to Kirk & Kathy. I think he kept the desk and dresser for himself. All the stuff coming with me is by the door, apartment is empty and clean. I'm on Stacey's sofa bed, spending one night longer than intended in BC.

This has been an amazing time for me. I have seen *almost* everyone that I wanted to see (not Marg/Ian or Harry/Jane). I spent some time with Sheena, had dinner with Rebecca, went out one night with Julie, Nicola, Stacey and Gayleen, went to dinner with Jacquie & Debbie, lunch with Jim Quinn, one last Bev & Stacey day, made out a bit with Fabian, went to Julie's for dinner and Stacey took me to Red Robin for my birthday yesterday.

I have remembered that strange and wonderful girl who drove into Richmond 13 1/2 years ago. I have been thankful for the part of her that is now gone, and even more thankful for the part of her that remains.

I have revelled in my freedom, enjoyed living solely for me, celebrated my life here and planned what comes next.

The fun part is the stuff you can't plan. I am excited to go. Excited by the possibilities. By the challenge that I face. I'm excited to see what happens next.

It's love

Mother fucker, I love me. And I don't mind saying that because I have spent about 25 years on the other end of the spectrum.

You know, when Mom said I couldn't join ballet because I was too fat and none of the boys could lift me, I probably went "Okay" dum de dum dum... whistle whistle... skip skip. It's only in retrospect that my mother's comments affected me. Much the same as I did with the men in my life, I needed a reason to feel that absolute hell that I was feeling... so I went looking for the answers. And, trust me, I got a lot of those answers wrong before I got any right. A. Lot. Wrong.

But it was those wrong answers who made me who I am. Practise, almost. I said to Stacey the other day: I have spent the past 13 years here gathering information. I think that I have lived and loved and milked the most out of this life in BC. God, it's been so amazing. I never knew I could be this person. I didn't know it was possible. It is, it is!

I am who I want to be. How many people can say that? Hope a lot, I really do because it's awesome. For a girl like me, who didn't think it was odd to spend New Year's Eve on the closet floor, crying her eyes out. I want to say to her - hang on me! I'm coming.

When Stacey and I got stoned the other night I turned to her and said something that I have never said out loud in my life. "I want teenagers." Not, I want kids. I want teenagers. I think that fostering youth at risk is amazing. Tremendous. The differences my parents have made in people's lives is mind boggling. "Am I just as good as a bad man sleeping while the rest are dying, or am I just as bad as a good man saying there's no use in trying?" (by Daniel Merriweather from 'Change') And I have a knack for it. It's a crazy learning curve but did someone say challenge?

It's so funny to watch the evolution of my life here. Could I even put it on here? I am stoned and I tend to ramble. Maybe a little less detail. Maybe in a bit. I have a lot of thoughts to catch up on when I'm not stoned anymore. Not to worry. I have time.

Work out much?

Twitter allows me to flex my "me" muscle. It's a good workout with minimal commitment. Like @RanGT said, it's conditional love. That's way more fun.

I PASSED!

I'm so proud of myself - it sounds silly just writing it here but I am. Omigod, who knew me being this weird could turn out to be a  good thing? I feel like the ugly duckling. Wait! I get it. The moral. Hmmm. How amazingly true. Haha! Except instead of ugly I'm just a crazy freak? I'm okay with that.

Well, obviously I'm stoned but that was required for this AWESOME thing that I just realized. You may or may not know that the final phase of my BC challenge was can I do this? Have I evolved to the point that I can be this happy without being stoned. Hells yeah, I can. That fucking bitch of a whore in my head is gone. She's gone. I'm free!  ♫♫♫ Ding dong, the witch is gone dude! ♫♫♫ Effin A!

** Except every now and then the little devil on the other shoulder says "are you sure everyone else is as in love with you as you are?" and it keeps me honest. But, quite frankly, why wouldn't they be? hahahahahahahahahahahaha

The struggle between logic and emotion

Got stoned tonight. *grins*

It's been a while. It used to be a way of life - as in practically every day for 2 years - but I haven't touched the stuff in over a month. If you read my first post in this blog or the crap in my former blog you would hopefully/probably/probably not understand the difference being stoned made to my life. It changed me. For the better x1000.  But pot had it's time and place in my life and it's past now. Since I have been reminissing and remembering my 13 years in BC, it is a fun and very appropriate way to say goodbye. But it's not for me anymore. That being said - I think I might spark up the roach and watch a little PattiPorn.... this serious talk crap can wait till I'm sober.

Interesting - look deeper

http://www.soulpancake.com/view_post/1437157/are-rules-meant-to-be-broken.html

Breakfast of Champions

Signs there's something wrong:

1. woke up crying from my dream
2. woke up crying after only five hours of sleep
3. had diet coke and chocolate for breakfast
4. got back in bed
5. got back in bed but couldn't sleep
6. would kill for pot 
7. have lots to do... not doing any of it.

Yeah, that about proves it - there's something wrong. But what? You'd think I was stressed about moving away from the place I have lived for the past 13 years. Nope. Perhaps scared to drive across the country alone? Looking forward to it, actually. Afraid to move to a whole new province, new city, find new job, new friends, new life? So so very excited.

Okay, well, obviously the proof is in the pudding. The dream. The subconscious mind. Asshole.

I'm full of crap. I knew what was wrong the whole time. The dream. My biggest dilemma regarding my move. Kinda sounds stupid if you don't know me... if you don't realize the fucked up emotional development of my life... if you don't understand how hard it is to be strong and tough and funny AND an emotional goo-head who was taught to go to her room when she cried and don't come back out until you're ready to smile again. Thanks Mom.

Anyway, I promised the people at my old job that I would be back to see them before I left for good. I worked at an upscale retirement residence for independent seniors - so I guess I should have said that I promised the old people at my old job that I'd be back. I promised Harry that I would come and take him out for lunch one day. I promised Jane that I would always stay in touch, no matter what. Well, I finished work in August... a.k.a. two months ago and I leave in five days for Ontario and I haven't been back to see them yet.

Obviously this is bothering me a lot (listed 7 lame reasons above, even!) so what's the problem?

Rationally what's the problem? I already said goodbye and I don't want to do it again. This move is becoming kind of emotional and I know I KNOW this would bring me over the top. This would be the breaking point. When my sister left last year she told me that she almost didn't want to go to her going away party because she would cry so much. I told her go, cry, mark the occasion, rejoice for what you have found here and shed a few tears because you will be leaving it but don't avoid it because this is the only chance you get. I hate it when my words come back to bite me on the ass.

More importantly, irrationally what's the problem?? Crying in front of people turns me into a blubbering fool who can't speak and has a runny nose and sounds like she's on the edge of hysteria and about to jump. And I'm half afraid that I won't cry and act like I don't give a shit. And I'm half afraid that they won't even remember me - they are seniors, with dementia. And I'm half afraid they will remember me but won't really care. And I'm half afraid to find out who died since I left - old, old people. And I'm half afraid that they will realize how terrible I am with fractions.

I don't want to go. Let's face it - it's really that simple. However, I know that my reasons are extremely inconsiderate of everyone but me and that is not how I live my life. I know that some of them won't remember and some of them won't care and some of them will be gone... but some of them will be there. And they'll be hurt. And I'm being totally selfish. And I can't help it. They were my family and I left them and I can't bear to say goodbye to them again. I. Just. Can't.

I'm pretty sure I'll go, though... 

Pressure - Billy Joel

Zack Ford, revisited

I want you to know that I think of you, and of this conversation of ours, often. While I am not proud of the comments that started it, I am glad that it started. Twitter in general - and communicating with you in particular - has opened my eyes to a world that I innocently thought we had evolved past.

Contrary to Will's comments and perception of my stance on this subject, I have never, ever, by any stretch of the imagination, inferred that it is "bad to even say the word gay". My position was the absolute opposite of that. I didn't think that anyone really thought that there was anything wrong with being gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered anymore.

I never understood how people could impugn or attack someone based on who they were attracted to. I never understood how anyone could be so closed minded as to think that being gay or straight had any bearing on a person's worth as a human being. It just didn't make logical sense to me so, I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing that those things still happen. Of course I knew there was small minded people making ignorant comments and smart-asses who think their jokes are funny but I did not see the depth of the prejudice and inequality that the LGBT community experiences until communicating with you opened my eyes. And I thank you for that.

Something I don't think I ever told you is that my nephew has not officially come out to me or anyone else in our family yet. Also, you don't know that my nephew lives almost 5,000 miles away from me. I fly him over here for a couple of weeks each summer and spend the whole time trying to erase all of the crap that is fed to him for the other 50 weeks of the year. I think I was beating up on you when I really wanted to beat up on my sister and her fiancée and everyone else who has made him feel that he is anything less than the amazingly wonderful young man that he is. And for that, I truly do apologize to you and to anyone else whom I inadvertently offended.

On a happier note, I had a short visit with my nephew since you and I were first introduced. I was overjoyed by his increased level of confidence and, although I have always encouraged him to evolve at his own pace, we did have what I consider a breakthrough - he finally allowed me to meet his boyfriend. So the closet door is open now... I trust that he will come out when he is ready. (I have always thought that the actual "coming out" is something that should come from him - do you agree?)

We might be getting closer to LGBT equality but I see now that progress is slow and still needs to be championed to a large degree. I see now that you are leading a crusade and that I was wrong to believe that this is a battle which had already been won. I wish you all the best, Zack - and know that I am out here fighting with you.

For the full story: http://zackfordblogs.com/2009/09/23/when-following-on-twitter-becomes-fanatic

AND THEN:

"We learn so much when we hold each other accountable and engage in real dialogue, and that’s why I write what I write. I blog to make a difference." - Zack Ford

Zack's complete reply is here: http://zackfordblogs.com/2009/10/i-blog-to-make-a-difference/

What A Good Boy - Barenaked Ladies

"No God" is Trending

My life philosophy is to never worry about something that I can not control. Will I get on that plane? Yes, I can control that, and I will hope for the best. Will the plane crash and end my life? I don't know, it's out of my hands and I'm not going to spend the next five hours freaking out about it.

When it comes to the concept of god and religion, we can argue, analyze, ponder, assume and hope but we can never know the absolute truth about the existence of god and what happens when our lives end. And so I'm not going to stress about it. Instead I will concentrate on what I can control; I will live my life the best I can, I will be happy, be good to others, I will live within the limits of man's laws and my own morals. When I die, the big questions will be answered; until then, I am open to every possibility.

That being said, here are some of my musings regarding religion:

• From this vantage point, it seems that every religion is generally saying the same thing. I wonder how it is that people don't get that. Not the specifics, obviously, but they all say that there is something and if we are good to others, cause no harm, etc, etc, we will somehow be rewarded when we die. I do intend to research other religions deeper to solidify this point but, if most religions operate under the same basic standards, why does it cause so much hatred? Does religion teach the 'I'm right so you must be wrong so I'm going to kill you for disagreeing with me' method? If so, isn't that contradictory to everything else it teaches?
  

• The only thing that I am absolutely certain about is that it is not possible to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN. Yes, you can believe, you can hope, you can trust, but - unless you are dead - there is no way to know for sure. So, why are people so arrogant as to think that they know all of the answers? To believe that there is no possibility other than what they already know? How do they not see that they are altering their perception and reality to be in line with what they want or hope?

• Prayer is both illogical and reasonable at the same time. I have always thought that the power of prayer is not that it changes anything but more that it lessens feeling of hopelessness in a given situation. Prayer allows people to feel empowered, therefore it is empowering. The illogical aspect of prayer is believing that there is some god with magical puppet strings willing to make changes based on something you asked for. Your god will alter the fate of human existence because you said please. Your dog is going to die? That is a fact of life... but... oh, you asked if he could live so, okay, here you go. I was busy over here on the other side of the world working to save the life of a soldier who stepped on a land mine but your prayer interrupted me so here you go.

• Anything that strengthens or brings out the best in people - be it belief in heaven or fear of punishment or respect for some god - whatever it is that causes people to be kind to others, to help, to dream and create and share - I am all for it. When my grandmother passed away, I was not comforted by my belief in god, I was comforted by hers. It helped to know that her fear was eased by her belief that she was going to be with her husband again. Whether she was right or wrong, her belief helped her through.

• The concept of a god and of heaven does not make rational sense. There are too many impossibilities, too many overlaps, too many conflicting ideas. And, yet, when I consider the intricacies of the human body, of nature, of evolution and development I have to wonder: how is it possible that there is NOT a god of some sort? And my rational mind screams in defeat.

• I have a theory which incorporates both the concept of religion and the theory of evolution. It is this (as well as I can explain it, anyway): I believe that we are working toward "heaven" on earth. The evolution of man, and therefore the evolution of ideas, is making the world smaller, creating one race, curing disease, helping the needy and teaching tolerance for the differences in others. Perhaps there will come a day when everyone is equal, when there is no pain or suffering or hunger or abuse or sickness. That would be heaven on earth, would it not? The only problem with the theory? When we get to that day, what will be the point of the next day? I guess we will have to answer that question when we get there. Then again, I could be completely wrong. And I'm okay with that.
  

And, that, my wonderful friends, is all I have to say in the matter. For now...

How Much For Your Wings? - The Black Crowes

Quotes

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"...if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough"
— Mae West

Msg from a fellow Twit

stevenshehori Lady -- you are Queen Shit of Funny Mountain. Where 'shit' = 'good,' as opposed to it being shitty.

*grins*

"Honey, your odds go up when you file an application"

Had lunch with Julie today. She told me a story about some of her friends and, I have to say, I've never been more impressed with her as a person. Not that I ever doubted her for a minute. I guess I have been confronted with so much hypocracy and been so overly bothered by it that it was almost a relief to know that it isn't everywhere, in everyone. I was starting to wonder if I was just going to have to accept that it's just the way things are. But it's not. We make choices. Those choices are what define us. And I'm proud to call Julie my friend and to know that she is such a good friend to others. Sounds a bit melodramatic, I know, but it's given me hope/faith back.

On a lighter note, Julie is considering joining me for my trip or even for part of it. Don't know if it will work out timing-wise so I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out. My only concern? Can she handle watching "Twilight" on an almost daily basis? ;-)

Starting to get a wee bit tense about hiring a moving company. Time is getting short - I hope I can find someone who can pick up by the end of the month. My computer is still broken and, in this electronic age of no phone books, I've fallen behind. Julie lent me her Yellow Pages so I'll have to get on the horn tomorrow. Want my dang 'puter back! I'm starting to feel disconnected. It's amazing how limited it makes you. Luckily, I have eternal faith that things will work out so I'm not losing sleep over it.

In other news, I ordered some winter tires today. The idea had crossed my mind a time or two but I saw a sign saying winter tires are required on the mountain passes. And, after all, I am moving back to winter!

"Live life abundantly"

Okay, while I'm in list making mode, I thought I'd make one about why. Why am I doing all of this? Complete life over-haul 2008-2009.

Generally, it's about living the life that I want to live, about being the person I want to be. Genuinely. Out loud. This stuff is what I want to do, this is the why. Mainly the getting in shape/eating better side of things. It's not about being chubby anymore. I can live with that, it no longer diminishes who I am. It's about:

* Running * Swimming * Dancing * Climbing * Acrobatics * Clothes * Skating * Comfort * Sexy Undies * Pictures * Hot men * Health * Money * Biking * Energy * Clear skin * Blood circulation * Digestion * Hiking * Skiing * THE OUTSIDE MATCHING THE INSIDE * PROVING THAT I CAN!!

"Manicured nails to set the pedicure off, she's fly effortlessly"

I wanna be fly effortlessly!

Okay, so apparently I've been slacking off. I do love the drama and it's time for the panic to begin. Woot! People to see, things to do. Many things I might have possibly left too late. Ah, life. What will be will be.

List time! TO DO:
- renew driver's licence
- get eyes checked
- boxes (from U-Haul?)
- get computer fixed
- call moving companies
- passport?
- go to dentist
- call lease company
- get car serviced
- get tire fixed
- call ICBC
- call Canada Post re address change
- haircut
- start packing
- plan
- plan
- plan!
- wash car

People I need to say goodbye to:
- Joe
- Sheena
- Jacquie & Debbie
- Ian
- Marg
- Jim
- Gayleen & Chris
- Julie
- Rebecca
- Dycks
- Fabe
- Jane & Harry
- Core Cluster Group
- Lisa

"It's no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking"

I'm not a big fan of goodbyes. I was thinking on the way home from having Thanksgiving at the Dyck's.

I'm all about the attention. I get a kick out of telling people my plans. I enjoy getting feedback and advice. I love get-togethers and I'm making a point to see everyone in BC who has been a part of my life here. I'm even glad I saw Karl and Jenny back in August. I like to remember, to think about the girl who drove into Richmond 13 years ago. I am awed by the experiences I have had here and the growth has been so difficult and so easy on this ever-curving path of mine. Every place I have been and everyone I have known are a part of me now. That is something that will never change.

Yet I don't like to say goodbye. The tears spring forth, I guess. Must avoid that. Thanks, Mom.

"Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood, and I..." went left

My computer broke/died on Wednesday. I have been oddly enjoying myself ever since so I didn't contact anyone to repair it yet. This is part of the weirdness that is me now, this go-with-the-flow-ness. Personally, I love it but it tends to frustrate everyone else.

This was the time for me to solidify my plans further. But I am not ready yet. Time is steadily passing but I have not totally made up my mind yet. And, as I always say, if the answer isn't yes, it has to be no. Perhaps it would be better to say that I will live with "maybe" until it becomes yes or no. But I do not act on it until then. The maybe right now is the eternal question of stuff or money. Obviously there are some things that I will take no matter what. My "things". My piano, TV, books, movies, artwork, knick-knacks. What I'm unsure about is taking the big stuff knowing how much extra it will cost. At this point I have $25-30,000 credit but that's it. After that is gone, I will not only have nothing left, I will also own nothing and owe $60,000+. As we all know, money is not a huge priority to me and this venture of self discovery can not be monetized. However, there is also the aversion to throwing away money unneccessarily.

So, let's look at it this way. In a perfect world where money was no object, what would I do? Would I bring this sofa, which I hate? Would I - okay, wait. That's not going to help. If money were absolutely no object I would give it all to charity, hop on a plane and get everything new on the other side. Mmm. Yeah. But money is an object, although it is not everything. So let's think this through and put the money aspect on the back burner.

I could pack up everything I own and have it shipped - including the sofa bed and the bed - which I also basically hate. I could pack up all of the things, pay someone $3-4,000 to take it to Ontario for it to sit in storage for a few months at least. Then I would hop in my car and drive there myself with the things that I would need during that time. Keep in mind that the car is a lease which costs $675/mo, which I will need to get serviced and I will need extra insurance and special permission.

On the other hand, I could turn the car in, rent a U-Haul for about $2,000 and take only the things I really want to keep. However, that would entail driving a vehicle that I don't know over the Rocky Mountains by myself. And I would have to buy another vehicle when I get there - a shit box because, with no job, no one will give me a loan. I would also have to get a new bed and couch (and have no spare or sofa bed) when I get my new pad.

Putting aside the money issue, the answer is obvious to me. I love my car, it would be so much nicer and more comfortable to drive that than some crappy rented truck which could cause massive amounts of problems. And, with the exception of a few things, I like my stuff. Getting it shipped and stored until I need it would be a dream.

So, it seems like the decision has been made, doesn't it? Perhaps I am just wasting time. Is that so wrong? Perhaps I am absolutely dreading the thought of packing all this stuff up again. And I have until the end of the month. There is not great reason to leave on the 20th. I think I will sit back and continue to plan, continue to visualize, continue to read and sing and do puzzles to my heart's content. And remember that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. In this situation, the only opinion that matters is mine. And if I'm making a bad call, an error in judgement, I'm totally okay with that. Because every wrong step I take is still a step in the right direction. It's the way I live. And, being this happy, I gotta be doing something right.

"Self Knowledge is Like Lost Innocence"

Today I was watching a special on PBS called something like 'What is the right thing to do'. JusticeHarvard.org. I think it was actually a series of philosophy lectures from Harvard. It was really interesting. He spoke about morals and how we base our decision making on the perceived outcome of a situation sometimes and other times the outcome is based on the morality of the act itself. Very interesting.

I am bothered somewhat by the fact that I have already forgotten the terminology. The second was called categorical decision making, the other escapes me. Hmm.

Anyway, I was reminded of who great my urge to learn has become. I thirst for knowlege. About everything and anything. The problem is, so overwhelmed by choices, ideas and possibilities, I rarely settle for anything. Must work on my focus a bit.

"Shoot for the Moon... Even If You Miss, You'll Land Among the Stars"

This is my account of my journey to the moon. It's not a journey to the stars - the moon or bust, baby! Although my moon might be different than yours.

My life so far, geographically speaking:
Age 0-18 - Wabush, Newfoundland & Labrador
Age 18-24 - Kelligrews/St. John's, Newfoundland & Labrador
Age 24-37 - Richmond/Langley/Surrey, British Columbia
Age 37-?? - Buttfuck, Ontario

Okay, just "somewhere", Ontario. Finding out where is part of the journey.

I currently live in a small basement suite in Surrey (Cloverdale). I moved here in April after I sold my condo in Langley. This place is approximately 500sq ft. That's totally a guess, I know not of such things.

Everything I own in the world:
* Cream coloured sofa bed
* Red ottoman
* Tulip chair x2
* Shag area rug 10x18'
* Bookcase
* TV stand
* 40" JVC Flat screen TV
* DVD player/VCR
* Wii console w/Rock Bank & DDR
* Digital Piano
* Square kitchen table for 4
* 2 red chairs
* Two-door wardrobe
* Red bench
* Queen size bed w/frame & night stand
* 6 drawer dresser
* Desk w/shelves
* Computer
* Stationary bike
* Clothes
* A gazzillion things in storage
* Misc (dishes, etc)

I list these things because I am planning to move to Ontario and I have to decide what to take. Fabian, my former lover and fellow Newfoundlander, things I should sell it all and start from scratch. I disagree, for several reasons, including but not limited to:

1. I like my stuff. I bought it when I had money. I don't have money now, only credit.
2. There are some things which I could not part with, such as my piano, books, DVD's. Too much to fit in my car.
3. Other things would be too expensive to replace, even with a cheaper version.
4. I don't want to start from scratch, I want to continue. I want to evolve. I want to become. I want to land on the moon.

And so, I need to determine what gets packed, shipped and stored for a while on the other side as opposed to what will come with me. As I don't know where, when or how I will end up, this will be somewhat of a tricky endeavour.

Some of the things I NEED to do before I go:
- hire a moving company (after getting quotes)
- determine rules regarding taking my leased vehicle out of the province
- get a ton of boxes
- pack said boxes
- devise a way to safely transport my beloved art work

Because I am very obviously insane, this will be my fourth move in two years. However, the other moves were within 10 minutes of each other. This one is a wee bit further. About 4,400 kms further. A whole new ball of wax.

When I moved to BC 13 years ago, I packed my pillows, security blanket and miniscule wardrobe into my car and hit the road within two weeks of deciding to move. Again, wax, ball, different. Of course, I'm a little different now, too. More mature, more sane, more solid, more grounded, more fat and more wrinkled. More me.