His name is Bob.
Bob is the mood-swing-king.
Bob is all joking,
all teasing,
funny, ha, ha, ha...
and then BOOOM!
It all turns around.
And I am at fault.
Bob got mad at me because
I was speaking in the kitchen
while he was in the living room.
Bob got mad at me because
I like my water refrigerated and cold
even though "it doesn't say
on the instructions
that the new water dispenser
needs to go in the fridge".
Bob got mad at me because
I said "Brenda Murphy
won $10,000 on a scratch ticket"
because Bob didn't know
who Brenda Murphy is,
even though he does.
Nothing is good enough,
no one is fast enough
smart enough
enough enough
for Bob.
Bob is my father.
And if you ask me
why I had self-esteem issues
my whole life.
His name is Bob.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Horoscope, Interpreted
Try to make sure you get some quality time to yourself today, Scorpio. Your nature is one that thrives on intense thought, creativity, sexuality, and emotion. Without adequate time alone in a space that’s comfortable for you, you may begin to feel worn out. Such things as irritability or withdrawal can be strong indicators that it's high time you were alone with yourself. Make some plans for this today.
**********************************************************
I learned this about myself a few years ago. Now I take time for myself when I need it... generally anything that goes with singing fits the bill: driving, Sudoku puzzles, staring at the wall.
**********************************************************
I learned this about myself a few years ago. Now I take time for myself when I need it... generally anything that goes with singing fits the bill: driving, Sudoku puzzles, staring at the wall.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The problem with luck
My dad came home from the hospital today. Not many people have to be hospitalized for 8 days for a simple biopsy. I guess it wasn’t a simple biopsy, either. Nothing is simple around here anymore.
About 10 years ago, Dad had a heart valve replaced to repair a murmur caused by a childhood illness. He has been taking a blood thinning medication ever since.
Last year he started having severe leg pain for which no one could determine the cause. He was slated for surgery but, when they tested his blood - a red blood cell test which his regular doctor had neglected to perform since the heart surgery 10 years before - they said there was “a problem” and it was cancelled.
In the confusion, they fucked up his blood thinning meds and he had a stroke. When he was in the hospital recovering from the stroke, he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. The cancer was beyond operable and had already spread to his liver and lung.
He started chemotherapy but it makes you vomit and, when he would vomit, his esophagus would tear and bleed. Every time that happened he had to get blood transfusions and be hospitalized. They stopped the chemotherapy after determining it was causing more harm than good.
Dad was recently invited to take part in the study of a new medication combination. The biopsy that he had last week was sent for testing to see if his cancer is within their criteria. If he qualifies, there is a 50% chance that he’ll receive a placebo instead of the exciting breakthrough combination drug that is changing the face of cancer.
And, shock of all shocks, when performing the biopsy they found that the cancer has spread out of control.
Until last year, the only time anyone in my family had been in hospital was Dad’s heart valve surgery, my older sister’s back surgery in 1984 to correct her scoliosis (curvature of the spine) and to give birth. The people in my family don’t get sick. My relatives die from old age. We are all healthy and strong. It is true, we have been extremely lucky.
The problem with luck? It runs out.
But, messed up weirdos that we are, we’re all still smiling and hoping for the best.
About 10 years ago, Dad had a heart valve replaced to repair a murmur caused by a childhood illness. He has been taking a blood thinning medication ever since.
Last year he started having severe leg pain for which no one could determine the cause. He was slated for surgery but, when they tested his blood - a red blood cell test which his regular doctor had neglected to perform since the heart surgery 10 years before - they said there was “a problem” and it was cancelled.
In the confusion, they fucked up his blood thinning meds and he had a stroke. When he was in the hospital recovering from the stroke, he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. The cancer was beyond operable and had already spread to his liver and lung.
He started chemotherapy but it makes you vomit and, when he would vomit, his esophagus would tear and bleed. Every time that happened he had to get blood transfusions and be hospitalized. They stopped the chemotherapy after determining it was causing more harm than good.
Dad was recently invited to take part in the study of a new medication combination. The biopsy that he had last week was sent for testing to see if his cancer is within their criteria. If he qualifies, there is a 50% chance that he’ll receive a placebo instead of the exciting breakthrough combination drug that is changing the face of cancer.
And, shock of all shocks, when performing the biopsy they found that the cancer has spread out of control.
Until last year, the only time anyone in my family had been in hospital was Dad’s heart valve surgery, my older sister’s back surgery in 1984 to correct her scoliosis (curvature of the spine) and to give birth. The people in my family don’t get sick. My relatives die from old age. We are all healthy and strong. It is true, we have been extremely lucky.
The problem with luck? It runs out.
But, messed up weirdos that we are, we’re all still smiling and hoping for the best.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
My baby's gone
Today I gave away my very last (substantial) possession in the world, my car. When I bought it in 2007 I was making about $120,000/year more than I am making now (which is $0), I was living with Ian and renting my condo. That was the end of want, the year of have. That was the year I realized I would never have enough to make me happy so I started looking for something new to want. Life's better now. But, damn, I loved that car.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Self fulfilling prophecy?
It's the same old story. He tells me how awesome I am. He tells me how much I make him laugh. He tells me all kinds of good things about me. And then he gets to know me. And disappears. All the #FF love is gone now. And it's because I let him see inside. And I don't want him or anyone to see any more. I just don't want anyone to know.
Random Thought
I had what very well could be the best dream of my life last night. I don't dream good dreams. I dream ordinary, every day, kinda sitting on the couch watching TV dreams. I wish I could put what I dreamt last night into a movie. It would be good.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
You know who you are
Dear You:
Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I know it might not seem like it but I really am okay, I have it together... it just gets stuck sometimes.
It is true: I have felt like an outsider my whole life and continue to feel that way most of the time but I have come to terms with it and, for the most part, I like it now. I like being different. I like that I will stay true to myself, even in the face of the pressure to do otherwise. I like that I won't say mean things just to go with the crowd. I like being strong in my convictions. I like it almost all of the time.
I know that, as I go forward with my life as I am right now, some of those old feelings of when I didn't like being different will come to the surface. Kind of like the whole microwave story: there were things that I believed to be true my whole life that I won't know are false until they start a fire. Apparently literally and figuratively. My initial experience with Twitter started it's own fire (did you know this is my second account?); the other day Tumbr did the same thing but to a lesser degree.
What I have learned from my time underground is that those bad feelings need to be dealt with right away. Until a few years ago, I kept them bottled up and they exploded to the surface in mass quantities. (Warning: clicking on that link will bring you to my old blog/journal from 2003-9... and it ain't pretty.) But exploding wasn't healthy for me or for anyone around me. Then, once I learned to stop the explosions and remain in control at all times, it turned out to be worse. My hair started falling out, I vomited almost daily, I even stopped having my period!
Now I know that when these bad feelings hit me, I need to say them out loud (okay, write them in my blog... same same) so I can look at them objectively and decide whether they are valid or just old scars that I forgot I had. That's what this blog/journal is about. I come here to say anything that I want to say. Then I can analyze it or kind of hear it with my new voice (hence, "The Friend Inside My Head" title). It's just me trying to purge the old bad stuff and move forward with the good stuff.
Does that make sense at all?
Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I know it might not seem like it but I really am okay, I have it together... it just gets stuck sometimes.
It is true: I have felt like an outsider my whole life and continue to feel that way most of the time but I have come to terms with it and, for the most part, I like it now. I like being different. I like that I will stay true to myself, even in the face of the pressure to do otherwise. I like that I won't say mean things just to go with the crowd. I like being strong in my convictions. I like it almost all of the time.
I know that, as I go forward with my life as I am right now, some of those old feelings of when I didn't like being different will come to the surface. Kind of like the whole microwave story: there were things that I believed to be true my whole life that I won't know are false until they start a fire. Apparently literally and figuratively. My initial experience with Twitter started it's own fire (did you know this is my second account?); the other day Tumbr did the same thing but to a lesser degree.
What I have learned from my time underground is that those bad feelings need to be dealt with right away. Until a few years ago, I kept them bottled up and they exploded to the surface in mass quantities. (Warning: clicking on that link will bring you to my old blog/journal from 2003-9... and it ain't pretty.) But exploding wasn't healthy for me or for anyone around me. Then, once I learned to stop the explosions and remain in control at all times, it turned out to be worse. My hair started falling out, I vomited almost daily, I even stopped having my period!
Now I know that when these bad feelings hit me, I need to say them out loud (okay, write them in my blog... same same) so I can look at them objectively and decide whether they are valid or just old scars that I forgot I had. That's what this blog/journal is about. I come here to say anything that I want to say. Then I can analyze it or kind of hear it with my new voice (hence, "The Friend Inside My Head" title). It's just me trying to purge the old bad stuff and move forward with the good stuff.
Does that make sense at all?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
25 Things (from Tumblr)
1. My very first thought when I considered doing 25 things was that I don’t have 25 interesting things to say. Let’s see…
2. I drink more water than anyone I have ever known. Totally unrelated: I pee more than anyone I have ever known.
3. I keep my fingernails cut down to the quick at all times.
4. I have never farted in front of a man. (Except probably when I was a kid.) (And in my sleep.)
5. I was living with my ex for 6 months before he heard me burp. He liked it. I didn’t.
6. I kept my mother on an extremely high pedestal for the first 35 years of my life. Then one day I pushed her to the ground and made her climb back up. She did.
7. My little sister (who thinks I shouldn’t call her my “little sister” anymore because she’s 27) is my absolute favourite person in the world and the only person I would die for without hesitation.
8. I hate eating. If there was a way that I could survive without food, I’d be all over it like a fat kid on a Smartie.
9. I don’t like going to bed… er, I should say to sleep. I’ve already missed too much of my life, I don’t want to miss another minute.
10. Being thrown from a horse was the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
11. I need to get a dog before I get a boyfriend. When I left my two ex’s, I also had to leave my dogs. Next time the dog is staying with me.
12. I declared 2005 the ‘International Year of Bev’ and changed my whole life.
13. I am embarrassed to tell you how many times I have seen Twilight. It’s a lot.
14. I miss being a work-aholic.
15. I have survived every car accident I have ever been in.
16. I see dead people. Then they close the casket and I can’t see them anymore.
17. I am obviously struggling with this now.
18. I love my car. It is the only thing I have left from the days when I had money. But the lease is up and I have to give it back on Saturday. Boo.
19. My favourite possession is a patch work quilt that my grandmother made in 1980. Now I only take it out when I am really sick because my grandmother’s hands aren’t strong enough to repair it anymore (I already wore it out twice).
20. I love music and will listen to anything anywhere anytime.
21. I like virtually every movie that I see. And if I don’t like it the first time, I will watch it again just in case my enjoyment was marred by outside influences the first time.
22. I can’t believe I thought of 21 things. Okay, 20. #17 was a cheat.
23. I can’t believe I thought of 22 things. Fuck off. This is my 25 Things.
24. I don’t regret. Anything. Ever. Any actions I take or words I say were based on the information and feelings I had at that moment. And I refuse to waste my time worrying about things I can’t change.
25. That being said, I do everything in my power to be true to myself and my beliefs, even if they go against everyone else.
26. I CANNOT believe that I am moving home!
27. I’m out of control and can’t stop at 25.
28. But I really don’t have anything left to say.
29. So I’ll just keep doing this for a while.
30. My brother is a dick.
31. That is all.
32. Good Day, sir.
32b. I said Good Day.
2. I drink more water than anyone I have ever known. Totally unrelated: I pee more than anyone I have ever known.
3. I keep my fingernails cut down to the quick at all times.
4. I have never farted in front of a man. (Except probably when I was a kid.) (And in my sleep.)
5. I was living with my ex for 6 months before he heard me burp. He liked it. I didn’t.
6. I kept my mother on an extremely high pedestal for the first 35 years of my life. Then one day I pushed her to the ground and made her climb back up. She did.
7. My little sister (who thinks I shouldn’t call her my “little sister” anymore because she’s 27) is my absolute favourite person in the world and the only person I would die for without hesitation.
8. I hate eating. If there was a way that I could survive without food, I’d be all over it like a fat kid on a Smartie.
9. I don’t like going to bed… er, I should say to sleep. I’ve already missed too much of my life, I don’t want to miss another minute.
10. Being thrown from a horse was the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me in my life.
11. I need to get a dog before I get a boyfriend. When I left my two ex’s, I also had to leave my dogs. Next time the dog is staying with me.
12. I declared 2005 the ‘International Year of Bev’ and changed my whole life.
13. I am embarrassed to tell you how many times I have seen Twilight. It’s a lot.
14. I miss being a work-aholic.
15. I have survived every car accident I have ever been in.
16. I see dead people. Then they close the casket and I can’t see them anymore.
17. I am obviously struggling with this now.
18. I love my car. It is the only thing I have left from the days when I had money. But the lease is up and I have to give it back on Saturday. Boo.
19. My favourite possession is a patch work quilt that my grandmother made in 1980. Now I only take it out when I am really sick because my grandmother’s hands aren’t strong enough to repair it anymore (I already wore it out twice).
20. I love music and will listen to anything anywhere anytime.
21. I like virtually every movie that I see. And if I don’t like it the first time, I will watch it again just in case my enjoyment was marred by outside influences the first time.
22. I can’t believe I thought of 21 things. Okay, 20. #17 was a cheat.
23. I can’t believe I thought of 22 things. Fuck off. This is my 25 Things.
24. I don’t regret. Anything. Ever. Any actions I take or words I say were based on the information and feelings I had at that moment. And I refuse to waste my time worrying about things I can’t change.
25. That being said, I do everything in my power to be true to myself and my beliefs, even if they go against everyone else.
26. I CANNOT believe that I am moving home!
27. I’m out of control and can’t stop at 25.
28. But I really don’t have anything left to say.
29. So I’ll just keep doing this for a while.
30. My brother is a dick.
31. That is all.
32. Good Day, sir.
32b. I said Good Day.
Come to the edge
Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came.
He pushed them. And they flew.
~Guillaume Apollinaire~
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Home
I grew up in a small, isolated mining town called Wabush, Labrador (near Quebec). When I lived there, the town could only be accessed by plane or train. The population was about 3,000.
We had one hotel, one grocery store, one bar, one restaurant. One bank, one department store, one convenience store. One school for everyone, from kindergarten to graduation.
We didn’t have strangers and we didn’t have crime. I only knew one kid who’s parents split up but they moved away soon after. Every single person in my town was white - with the exception of one black guy (the product of an extramarital affair).
My parents were happily married. Dad was a mechanic in the mine and Mom was the bank manager. I have an older sister and brother; our younger sister was born when I was 11.
We lived in a yellow bungalow with a white picket fence and a dog named Patches - I shit you not.
I had no idea how sheltered I was. When I moved away at the age of 18, the world slapped me in the face and told me to stop being such an idiot. ;-)
We had one hotel, one grocery store, one bar, one restaurant. One bank, one department store, one convenience store. One school for everyone, from kindergarten to graduation.
We didn’t have strangers and we didn’t have crime. I only knew one kid who’s parents split up but they moved away soon after. Every single person in my town was white - with the exception of one black guy (the product of an extramarital affair).
My parents were happily married. Dad was a mechanic in the mine and Mom was the bank manager. I have an older sister and brother; our younger sister was born when I was 11.
We lived in a yellow bungalow with a white picket fence and a dog named Patches - I shit you not.
I had no idea how sheltered I was. When I moved away at the age of 18, the world slapped me in the face and told me to stop being such an idiot. ;-)
Intent
I wrote this for my Tumblr but I'm deleting it off of there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So someone wrote something extremely similar to something I wrote a long time ago and it ended up on the leaderboard.
All the way. Like top top leaderboard!
Was harm intended? I am reasonably certain she doesn’t even know I exist.
Did this person intentionally go through my old tweets and pick out one she liked because she wanted to steal from me? I highly doubt it.
I. Highly. Doubt. It.
Plagiarize –verb (used with object)
1. to take and use by plagiarism
2. to take and use ideas, passages, etc., from another’s work
To take and use. To TAKE. That would imply intent.
I commented on it because I thought it was cool. Something I once said is on the leaderboard. That means if I had more than 193 followers (which I do not) I might have gotten 90 stars in 7 hours (instead of 44 stars in two months) and would have probably ended up on the leaderboard, too.
I commented on it because plagiarism is basically the latest meme/scandal and I was making a joke! You know? Like on Twitter? Where we make jokes? All day long??
IT WAS A JOKE! NO HARM WAS DONE!!!!!
So, whatever, people! Chill out! You’re ruining my happy party!
Damn it!!!!!
Now I’m going to have to go get drunk and throw my body on top of the first man I see so I can celebrate. I might get pregnant with some stranger’s baby and end up homeless because… well, I’m already homeless. Or I might get a disease! Or I might… have an orgasm. Hmm… that migh- No, that’s not the point.
Look at all of this drama!
You couldn’t just let me have a little giggle?
Damn it.
Where’s my stupid wine glass? ;-)
(Just for clarification: this, too, is a joke. I kid. It’s what I do.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So someone wrote something extremely similar to something I wrote a long time ago and it ended up on the leaderboard.
All the way. Like top top leaderboard!
Was harm intended? I am reasonably certain she doesn’t even know I exist.
Did this person intentionally go through my old tweets and pick out one she liked because she wanted to steal from me? I highly doubt it.
I. Highly. Doubt. It.
Plagiarize –verb (used with object)
1. to take and use by plagiarism
2. to take and use ideas, passages, etc., from another’s work
To take and use. To TAKE. That would imply intent.
I commented on it because I thought it was cool. Something I once said is on the leaderboard. That means if I had more than 193 followers (which I do not) I might have gotten 90 stars in 7 hours (instead of 44 stars in two months) and would have probably ended up on the leaderboard, too.
I commented on it because plagiarism is basically the latest meme/scandal and I was making a joke! You know? Like on Twitter? Where we make jokes? All day long??
IT WAS A JOKE! NO HARM WAS DONE!!!!!
So, whatever, people! Chill out! You’re ruining my happy party!
Damn it!!!!!
Now I’m going to have to go get drunk and throw my body on top of the first man I see so I can celebrate. I might get pregnant with some stranger’s baby and end up homeless because… well, I’m already homeless. Or I might get a disease! Or I might… have an orgasm. Hmm… that migh- No, that’s not the point.
Look at all of this drama!
You couldn’t just let me have a little giggle?
Damn it.
Where’s my stupid wine glass? ;-)
(Just for clarification: this, too, is a joke. I kid. It’s what I do.)
Different
Have you ever felt different from everyone else you know?
Yes, I know, grand scheme of things... we are all different.
But different .
From everyone.
I have been told that I was different my whole life.
As a child, it was "special".
As a teenager, it was "wrong".
As an adult, it's "weird".
Most people think the ways I am different are good ways.
I'm different because I am who I am:
considerate of other people's thoughts and feelings,
an optimist who sees the grass on both sides of the fence,
enthusiastic about the future of the world.
But those years of self-discovery that I always talk about?
The first few years were me figuring out who I am,
The rest was me trying to be okay with being that person.
Normal people don't get excited about shovelling snow.
Normal people don't like every single type of music.
Normal people don't like that their parents have sex.
Normal people don't love with this intensity.
Normal people don't cry because they have so many people who love them but not a single person who "gets" them. And not a single person ever has.
Yeah, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm weird.
I even love me for it now.
I just don't believe that anyone else will ever feel the same.
Because, wherever I am,
there always has to be a side of me that stays hidden.
Yes, I know, grand scheme of things... we are all different.
But different .
From everyone.
I have been told that I was different my whole life.
As a child, it was "special".
As a teenager, it was "wrong".
As an adult, it's "weird".
Most people think the ways I am different are good ways.
I'm different because I am who I am:
considerate of other people's thoughts and feelings,
an optimist who sees the grass on both sides of the fence,
enthusiastic about the future of the world.
But those years of self-discovery that I always talk about?
The first few years were me figuring out who I am,
The rest was me trying to be okay with being that person.
Normal people don't get excited about shovelling snow.
Normal people don't like every single type of music.
Normal people don't like that their parents have sex.
Normal people don't love with this intensity.
Normal people don't cry because they have so many people who love them but not a single person who "gets" them. And not a single person ever has.
Yeah, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm weird.
I even love me for it now.
I just don't believe that anyone else will ever feel the same.
Because, wherever I am,
there always has to be a side of me that stays hidden.
Stoned. Not stoned. Here's the difference.
I don't feel like I fit in with the rest of the world. I never have. I'm just not one way or another, I'm every way. I like the wrong things. I say the wrong things. I feel the wrong things.
After reading a post called "Enthusiasm" on Tumblr, I decided to finally post my ways I'm weird list. It was up for less than 5 minutes. I don't want people to know. They don't get it. I'm a freak.
I know this to be true whether I'm sober or stoned. The difference is: when I'm stoned, I don't care.
After reading a post called "Enthusiasm" on Tumblr, I decided to finally post my ways I'm weird list. It was up for less than 5 minutes. I don't want people to know. They don't get it. I'm a freak.
I know this to be true whether I'm sober or stoned. The difference is: when I'm stoned, I don't care.
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